The Schros

7.24.11

2011-07-24T22:36:00.003-05:00

I live in Phoenix, Arizona. I am blessed to be a wife and a mom of two girls. I drive a minivan. I have amazing family and friends. I just unpacked all of my kitchen stuff from our home in Peoria. I put it all in a small kitchen in a thousand-square-foot apartment on a college campus.
My name is Katelyn Kieser.

It's been on year since Jordan Schroeder stopped walking alongside of me on this little stint of earth we have to live before the real living begins. It's been one year since my love got his promotion from mortal to immortal. From temporary to eternal. From decaying to more-alive-than-we've-ever-been. One year ago today, Jordan died.

I've been doing a lot of remembering lately.

I remember Jordan saying that I was one of his biggest spiritual influences. Shortly after he got redeemed, we met and the Holy Spirit in me encouraged him in his walk with the Lord. He told me that my scripture memory really challenged him and the discipline of hiding the Word in his heart stuck with him for the rest of his life. I remember him saying that's why he fell in love with me- my love for the Lord and my eternal perspective. You could maybe say, if you were wanting to measure things, that I was more spiritually mature than he. I was further along on the sanctification process. Somewhere along the way, that paradigm totally flip-flopped on me. I got slapped in the face with the love of God through Jesus in Jordan. I was his wife. I had the front seat to the Holy Spirit sanctifying him. I remember being in awe and at some point in our marriage verbalizing to him that God had him on the fast track and nobody had ever shown me Jesus like he did. He believed in the Spirit in me tirelessly. He unconditionally loved me despite my wicked, sinful heart. He encouraged me faithfully in the fight even when he was the one suffering the most from my sins. I was unbelievably humbled by his love that so uniquely modeled Christ's love for all of us. He had this tenacious hunger for the Bible, for Jesus, for the power of God in himself. It was like he was given this divine discontentment. He was always discontent with how much he had of Jesus- always wanting more. Even in the rough times, he'd be so honest about his discouragement but always end up reminding himself and me about how faithful God had been in the past and the promises of scripture. His gift of faith would come beaming forth and he'd speak so confidently and with hope oozing from his soul that God WOULD BE GLORIFIED in his life. He never wavered on his assurance of that fact. He never gave up hope. He had so many dreams. His natural vulnerability delighted and shocked me every time he'd start a conversation about our dreams. He loved to talk about it and I loved how ambitious he was about how much God was going to do in our lives. He really wanted to reach for the impossible and not sell ourselves short when our God was so huge! All these dreams- and yet, his biggest ream was God's glory in his life.

It's July 24, 2011. As I've journeyed through this day, remembering the early hours of Jordan revealing Jesus' desire for him to be in Heaven. Remembering the tenderness when we told each other how much we loved one another. Remembering the sweetness of Jordan speaking to our families. Remembering when Jordan prayed for me to love another man and released his exclusivity on my heart. Remembering how great was his desire for Jaycee and Arawen to have a daddy. Realizing the colossal amount of sacrificial love when he so willingly allowed us to receive the gift that Ty now is to us. Remembering how he anointed and blessed his two little girls. Remembering our fears and faith and our thoughts that we expressed in the blog. My dear fried Alison made our blog into a book for me. I took that book and Jordan's Bible and sat on a bench outside underneath a street light and a palm tree late last night and remembered. I've been remembering the tears. Remembering the tears brings more tears and I cry. Remembering the stabbing, searing, slicing pain in the middle of my chest for hours on end. The pain is piercingly memorable.

However, the most memorable and weighty thing that comes back to me is all the hope. The huge, ferocious, and tenacious hope we had. I wanted him to be healed so bad. I really, really, really, wanted that miracle. I ached and longed for and prayed and believed. I just really really wanted his body to be well. I wanted his pain to leave. I wanted his breathing to stop gurgling and rasping. I wanted his chest to stop being so heavy. I wanted his skin to stop being yellow and his ribs to stop showing through. I wanted It felt like there was a never-ending crescendo of an orchestra in the background of my heart. It was as if there was a buzzing tenor sound that kept getting louder, more intense, higher in its pitch. Seeming like it was going to peak at any instant, but just climbing ever higher in shrillness. We hoped hard. We hoped really hard! We hoped for a long, dark time. Even when he was in so much pain, it consumed us, we hoped. The hoping and the waiting continued to unrelentingly escalate.

Until that moment. He was lying on the hospital bed, laboring to breathe, peaceful, and he opened his eyes and spoke:
"I'm going to a better place."

And the hopes came shattering and disintegrating and falling down all around me. That fierce hope that had crescendoed louder and higher and faster over the last year got dashed. It was like this big, beautiful, and fragile crystal globe got flung against a cliff. And all of the million pieces, every last one, cut me on the way down. But inside that crystal globe was a diamond. Harder than the rock of the cliff, the gem remained undamaged. The diamond is God's glory. Beyond and above all of our beautiful and fragile crystal hope of marriage, and children, and ministry, and seeing God's miraculous power being displayed in us together, we had a bigger, and stronger Hope. We had Jesus. Go back and read his entries in the blog; Jordan hope and waited expectantly, nay even KNEW that God would be glorified in his life. And that was the diamond that never shattered. That diamond stayed intact and it remained beautiful.

Looking back, exactly one year from my hope-shattering, I see a sparkling and living and exquisite display of God's glory in Jordan Schroeder's life. The glory of God and the affect of Jesus in Jordan lives on in me. The Kingdom he sowed into my life will continue until my own promotion. I know deep in my soul that I will never be the same again and I will never forget. I will always remember Jordan and God's glory in him.

Jordan made a profound, impacting, and eternal stamp on my life. Now I want to hear about Jesus and God's glory in Jordan affecting your life. I want to see this beautiful diamond in a bigger scope and from different perspectives. I want a glimpse at the sparkles and the glittering rainbows that reflected glory to you. I want you to post a comment, tag me in a status update, or leave a guestbook entry with a few words describing God's glory in Jordan Schroeder's life in your own life. I just want to know. I want my girls to one day read all of your entries. I will collect them an put them in their photobook. I want them to have more than just my stories and their scant memories. I want them to have pages of testimony upon testimony of God's amazing glory in their Daddy in Heaven. I want the impact of Jordan's testimony to spur them on to fight the fight and run the race even when it's hard and hope runs dry. I want the glory of God in Jordan's life to do that for all of us. I want us all to remember together.

I found a note card in Jordan's Bible today. In his scratchy, all-caps writing it says:

Psalm 9:1-2
I will praise Thee, O Lord, with my whole heart: I will show forth all thy works. I will be glad and rejoice in Thee: I will sing praise to Thy name, O Thou Most High.

The top right corner has a date: 7-24-08

Three years ago today, Jordan wrote down a verse reflecting his own desire to make known God's works. Both Jordan and I have poured our hearts out here on this blog, and we all have had the privilege of witnessing God's works shown forth in Jordan's life. Please join me in praising the name of The Most High by posting a glimmer of Jordan's glory-diamond as we remember the amazing works of our God.

Thank you so, so, so much!

"God's Crazy Love Stories" As Told to My Girls

2011-04-30T12:15:00.006-05:00

Dear Jaycee and Arawen,

You are amazing, extravagant, beautiful, and undeserved blessings from God! Do you know what a blessing is?

Jayce, remember the little drill that Papa-Boy always does with you?

“Jaycee, do you know what a blessing is?” he asks knowingly.

“A present from God!” you exclaim, grinning up at him.

He points decidedly right at you and declares, “YOU are a blessing!”

It’s true! You are our presents from God. God gave both of you to Mommy and Daddy and we could never be thankful enough. We loved you so much from the moment we found out you were in Mommy’s tummy. We were so proud of you and so, so excited and happy to be your parents. God gave you to Mommy and Daddy because He first brought us together. Your daddy wrote our whole wonderful, crazy love story down, and one day we’ll read it together. But right now, I want to tell you another story. Another crazy love story of God bringing two people together to glorify His name and bless them with two wonderful little girlies. Actually, I want to tell you two crazy love stories. One of them is the craziest of all.

Girls, remember when I told you that Daddy was in Heaven and he wasn’t coming back? Do you remember on that Sunday morning in July? We went outside to the backyard, walking towards the swing, and I knelt down, took you both in my arms, and with a trembling voice and a breaking heart, I unveiled your shattered little worlds. Jaycee, you cried and cried and Arawen, you looked from my face to Jaycee’s and whimpered and sucked your pacifier as you leaned into me. Jaycee, you wanted to know when we could see him again and if he was better. It was so amazing to tell you that Daddy was all better and his back and his leg didn’t hurt him anymore but it deeply wounded me to have to tell you that we wouldn’t see him until we were in Heaven too. You tried to argue that he was coming back and you were grasping for hope and reassurance and wanting Mommy to make it all right. But it wasn’t. And I couldn’t. And the pain intensified as I watched you tilt your head up in the middle of that big backyard and let out a long drawn-out wail. “I want my Daddy!” I remember a cry similar to that from when I was a little girl and I had lost my mommy in a store. It was a lost cry. My soul bled as I watched your soul express the lost-ness you were feeling. We cried and hugged. And then I pushed you both on the swing for a long time.

Jaycee and Arawen, the heartache I saw in you, the light seeping out of your eyes, and the way the devastation descended and surrounded you was nearly paralyzing to me. You know how I always tell you it makes me sad when you get hurt? Well, this was the most hurt you’ve endured and it made Momma really, really, really sad. Jaycee, a day later, exhausted and reeling from the trauma, you and I were lying down for a nap in A. KaraLea’s room. (Arawen, you were already sleeping in the pack ’n’ play.) You crawled in bed with me and asked me to read the Bible and tell you a story about your daddy. I pulled you into my chest and we read together and then you asked the inevitable heartbreaking questions: Why did Daddy die? Why is he in Heaven? Why can’t he come see us? When can we go to Heaven? I want my Daddy! I propped up on one elbow and searched your hurting face. I desperately wanted to impart some hope and felt called to try. I remember wrenching at the words that were coming out of my mouth, but knew I needed to give you a glimmer of light into your distress. So the words scraped off my tongue, “Jaycee, maybe one day God will give you a new daddy” I said softly. You searched my eyes and found only sorrow. “I don’t want a new daddy! I want MY daddy!” was your responding lament. So much for imparting hope; I let my head plop onto the pillow and just held you. But yet I knew that God would work and God would heal and God had not since, nor would He ever forsake us. Jesus was going to take care of us -Jaycee, Arawen, and Mommy.

Jaycee, one night, God used the preciousness of the present that you are and all the awe in me at being your mother, to capture my attention and tell me about a godly man named Ty. God told me it was okay to love him and placed a love for him in Mommy's heart. As the weeks crept by, you continued to be resistant to any mention of a new daddy. And, although Momma’s heart was tenderly being unfurled to love another, I was not discouraged by your persistent negative responses. I knew we still needed a lot of healing time and I was steeling myself for much patience with the whole impossible situation. I knew in my Spirit that when you started to become okay with my intermittent proddings towards praying for a new daddy, that would be an indication of God’s moving and timing. I remember the first time your resistance turned to reception. I was giving you girls a bath and it was the first time I decided to be intentional about bringing up the issue --all other times stemmed from your memories that turned into questions. This is what I wrote down from that night in your “Daddy moments” journal I keep:

9.13 While giving them a bath, I told them we were going to talk about getting a new daddy. I told them that he would play with them and wrestle them and throw them in the air. “Do you want that?” I asked. Jaycee said “Yeah” and Arawen said “Nope.” Jaycee then told me that Arawen didn’t want a new daddy so we asked her again. “Arawen, do you want a new daddy?” “Nope.” I talked to them about praying for a new daddy and that Jesus was going to give them a new daddy because our daddy is in Heaven and we don’t get to see him until our lives end and we go to Heaven too. She told me that there were two of her daddy, one was in Heaven, and she wanted the other one. I said there was only one and he’s so, so happy to be with Jesus and we’ll get to see him again. But for now, we’re going to pray for a new daddy.

That night, when Dad was talking about prayer and things that were good to pray for Jaycee said, “Pray for a new daddy.” Everyone laughed and Mom was like “Whoa….Katelyn, have you been talking to them?” I didn’t say anything but I definitely didn’t act embarrassed. It was true.

From then on, you’d ask to pray for a new daddy at bedtime. Arawen, you especially never forgot. I’d begin praying for you, and you’d unfailingly interrupt saying, “New daddy!” So I’d smile bitter-sweetly down at you in your crib and plead with our Father, “And God, give Arawen a new daddy who loves, loves, loves her and who loves, loves, loves You the most. Give my girls a love, love, love for their new daddy.” It was so cute the first time you looked up at me from your crib and said around your paci, “New daddy luh, luh, luh me!”

Girls, I want you to know that through this whole thing, Mommy was praying and praying and praying. I was praying for you and I was praying for Ty and praying for Mommy to keep looking to Jesus. It was a colossal thing looming over us -these were prayers about who was going to love you, who was going to protect you, provide for you, influence you, and show you Jesus for the rest of your lives and I was passionate about our story being undeniably a God thing. When you’re given amazing presents, you’re also given an amazing responsibility to steward those gifts. And remember, you are our presents! After I came home with Uncle Josh, Ty and I continued our unique, intermittent text-and-email interactions and it amazed me the way God had placed on him a burden to pray for you two and also used him to speak Bible into my life. He texted me Philippians 3:7-8 and whetted my appetite for the entire epistle. I read Philippians over and over and over, letting the Truth sink into me that everything but Jesus is garbage and that He loved us with a love so crazy that he obeyed His Daddy and died on the cross for us. When my friend-circles were going through major remodel as I limped along without my other half and my pain spilled over onto anyone that was close, it was incredibly humbling for Mommy to be given a friend that pointed me to Jesus during the hardest time of my life. God was surprising me with the unexpected again. He was whispering a challenge through the clouds of pain and confusion: You don’t think I can’t blow you out of the water again? You don’t think I don’t want to bless you out of your mind? Try me, and see what I can do with your ashes. I will make them beautiful! Girls, our Heavenly Father was taking care of us in the middle of all of our brokenness. He loves us so much!

Remember that wonderful vacation to Phoenix we took with Aunt Jill and Uncle Joshy at the end of October? ‘Uncle’ Ducky and ‘Aunt’ Christine opened their home and their hearts and showered us with love and a time of refreshing. We had such a great time, didn‘t we? It was then that Mommy talked to Ty. My prayer before we left was “God, I want to expect good and amazing things from You and I’m confident that You will bless this vacation, but I’m not going to say anything. The Holy Spirit is in Ty; if we’re supposed to talk, then he can start the conversation.” God blessed our time and Ty and Mommy had a couple of great talks. One in particular in which Jesus in Ty amazed me. He let me hear his passions and dreams, I got a glimpse of his heart for ministry and people and the Kingdom. My belief in Jesus in Ty was more cemented, and his vulnerability blessed me immensely. The next morning, I woke up with God gently tapping me on the shoulder again, convicting me, “He was vulnerable with you; you need to be vulnerable with him.” I called Grandma, and told her that I thought I was supposed to tell him, and she calmly talked me through everything and guaranteed her continued prayers. God changed my prayer to “God, if you give me the opportunity, I’ll share what you’ve been doing in my heart.” Three days later, Ty was spending the weekend at the Buam’s, Uncle Joshy decided he needed an all-day nap and an opportunity was dropped in front of me. It was so hard to obey, I was a millisecond from backing out, but with an extra burst of Holy Spirit courage, I asked Ty if we could talk. We still laugh at my extreme nervousness and the way I stumbled all over myself trying to prepare him for what I was going to say and finally blurting out: “I love you a lot... the end. I can leave now if you want me to." It was a little surreal- laying my soul that bare before someone I had known for merely three months. I couldn’t believe I was doing it while I was doing it and after I did it, I couldn’t believe I had done it. But it was an act of obedience. And as you girls well know, obeying isn’t always fun. I truly could not have imagined a more noble response from Ty. He wanted to clarify everything, forcing me to be deeply vulnerable, he was honest and clueless, revealing the fact that he had never considered pursuing more than a friendship with me despite how attractive of a person I was to him, which pointed to the great respect he had for Mommy and where God had us. He told me that he had had a dream a few years ago about being in the exact spot we were sitting in while two little girls were downstairs. (That was you, Jaycee and Arawen!) Jesus in Ty came shining forth, because as taken-aback and caught off guard as he was, to end our conversation, he grabbed both of my hands and prayed. He just gave it all to God right then and there on the side of the mountain we had walked up.

I don’t know about you girls, but this story kind of reminds me of a Bible story we read. Following our modern day Ruth and Boaz threshing floor incident, it was surprisingly not awkward. I had put my heart out there, but more than it breaking for Daddy and loving Ty, it still belonged to Jesus and it was safe with Him. I didn’t know what Ty was thinking but I didn’t feel like he was obligated to tell me. I had released all of it. The logistics, the timing, the knowing, the very impossible-looking everything. God continued to just blow me out of the water though because Ty was so vigilant about guarding our hearts. Both mine and his own. A couple weeks later, when Ty came home for Thanksgiving, he was still seeking everything out with a lot of caution. He knew it would be hard, he knew it wasn’t logical, and yet he was discovering Holy Spirit confirmations all over the place. God had gone before this whole thing in speaking to Grandpa and Grandma Kieser, Aunt Maria, Uncle Jesse and Aunt Jill, and to Grandma. Back in August, they all had felt a heart prick as God moved their spirit to have a “Ty and Katelyn” thought. It didn’t make sense to any of them either but they were praying for us fervently! It was especially wonderful for Mommy to have Aunt Jill as my Naomi to talk with about everything God was doing. She was the one that gently suggested I would maybe need to be the one to bring the subject of ’us’ up because Ty would never cross that line of respect for me. She let my verbal thrashing bounce off of her as the Holy Spirit inside of her absorbed my doubt and questioning and ranting while ministering so much peace to me. She was faithfully right there with Mommy through it all the whole time. God had given me open palms and surrender to a timeline that looked longer than I would like, but as our Boaz worked things out, I had to open my hands to a timeline that was faster and sooner than I had ever imagined. Girls, when I kept giving to God, and He continued to give it back, I had nothing left to do but delight in Him and rejoice in His outpouring of blessings. After all of the daily surrender, all I needed to do was gaze up at my Daddy with adoration, trust, and delight. That’s what girls do with their daddies. Ty was also surrendering and so fervent in seeking it out and wanting to know his Father’s heart. He gave it to God and when God gave him back a huge and unavoidable love for the three of us and an abandonment to His will, he obeyed. And he obeyed quickly. Just like Jesus, he laid down his life and did what God asked. Through all of the heartache and the grief we’re still expressing and all of the questions and all of the difficulty and all of the skepticism and all of the craziness, Ty obeyed God! Praise God for a new daddy that loves, loves, loves you and loves, loves, loves God the most!

It was December 6th the first time I told you girls about what God was doing and the new daddy that He was giving us and the love that he had grown between us. Ty called me and, after a vulnerable, somewhat halting conversation he told Mommy that he loved me. My spirit thrilled inside of me and it was like a loosening of my protective heart straps. The love that was being poured into me for him had a little more elbow room to bloom. I was overflowing with excitement at being able to tell you! You had been praying for a new daddy for months and you didn’t know yet how God was answering your prayers that whole time. Arawen, you were already asleep, but Jaycee, you were up watching a movie with Aunt Susie, so I pulled you onto my lap, and with a rejoicing heart said,

“Guess what….? I love Ty.” I said with a gentle excitement, not knowing how you would respond, yet wanting to convey my happiness.

“And tell me the rest” you said as you smiled in response to my beaming.

“And Ty loves Mommy” I replied.

“And tell me the rest” you said, knowing there was more.

“And Ty loves you” I said excitedly.

Then you said again, smiling more, “And tell me the rest.”

“And Ty loves Arawen.”

“And tell me the other rest” you said persistently but with a big grin on your face.

“I really really love Ty and Ty really really loves Mommy.” I affirmed with more hugs and smiles.

Then you questioned me, “Do you love Ty?”

“I really love Ty!” I said.

“Then I love Ty!” was your priceless conclusion.

Arawen, the next morning, I was elated to relay the news of all of your answered prayers. "Arawen," I began, "You know Ty?" You replied in the affirmative, probably all those memories of him playing with you on vacation flitting through your head. I then told you with sparkling eyes, "Ty loves, loves Mommy and I love Ty! And Ty loves, loves, loves you!" You looked at me innocently, "Mommy," you said politely, "can I eat?" Arawen Joy, you bring your mother so much joy and laughter!

Ty called Papa to ask for his blessing in pursuing an official relationship with Mommy, and on December 17th, when he came home for Christmas break, Mommy had a boyfriend for the very first time! You girls loved having him around to play with you and read you Bible stories before bed and carry you into the house from your carseats. In February, Ty was home again for spring break and that’s when he surprised us by coming earlier than planned. That’s also when he got down on his knee and with you two looking on, said, "Kate, I love you. And I want to spend the rest of my life with you; will you marry me?" Remember how Mommy shouted yes and raised my hands to praise Jesus, then gleefully hugged you two and declared how amazing our Jesus is? And remember what happened next? He then brought out two more ring boxes, got down in front of you and said, “Jaycee, can I be your new daddy?” Jaycee, you smiled so sweetly -almost shyly- let him put the ring on your finger and give you a ring pop and said, “yeah.” Then he knelt in front of you, Arawen, and asked, “Arawen, can I be your new daddy?” “Yes.” was your sweet reply as you reached eagerly for the candy. He knew the way into your heart!

Girls, when we see Ty and the answer to so many prayers that he is, we see someone willing to lay down his life for us. Girls, when we see Ty and his crazy love for us, beyond him and bigger than him, and through him, we see Jesus and his even crazier love for us. We see the craziest love story that God has ever written. We see something so big and world changing that only God could have dreamed up a love story and a rescue plan that awesome and creative. And we call it 'crazy.' Oftentimes, in God’s kingdom, 'crazy' is amazingly valuable. In fact, this certain kind of crazy love is life-saving. Jaycee, one day, God will make the craziest love story in the world your very own and save your life. You’ll look at Jesus who died on the cross for your sins, and you'll hear his voice: “I love you, my sweet, precious Jaycee-girl!” and by grace, you’ll respond in repentance and belief and say, “I love you too, Jesus!” Arawen, one day you’ll see Jesus hanging on the cross with his arms stretched wide, saying "I love you this much!" and His vast and unsearchable love for you will become your greatest reality. In repentance, you’ll accept His gift of love, become his bride, and you’ll have a super crazy love story all your own. The craziest love story of all! I am praying expectantly for that day for both of you, my precious children. Until then, as imperfect as we are, Mommy and Daddy are going to show you Jesus as we reflect His love to you and point your gaze towards the cross- where the most important person in the world says, “I love you like crazy!”

With all my overflowing and thankful heart-

Love, Mommy

Hurting and Healing

2011-02-08T14:59:00.003-06:00

The girls of the house. They all bring me so much joy!

I would like to take a moment and in a few measly words and characters thrown together on the screen you’re reading try to sum up the gratefulness I have for all of you and the prayers that have been prayed for me and are continuing to the throne in my behalf. I am utterly convinced that God uses the power of prayer to sustain us and I have been sustained by Jesus in the last 6 months since Jordan died. In the last 18 months that my life was a cancer-fighting hurricane. And yes, in the last 24 years to this day of God’s hand being on my life. God did that and incomprehensibly, He allowed your prayers to make that sustenance and grace and divine hold very real in my life. I am also utterly convinced that we are still in need of that miraculous act called prayer. Thanks to each and every one of you that prayed for Jordan and me and Jaycee and Arawen and who continue to pray for us. Thank you from the bottom of my hurting and healing heart.

Heart hurting. I had something akin to déjà vu the other day. A conversation I had with Jordan about a dream I had and then being in the exact place I was in my dream. A memory of him telling me not to watch a movie because he knew I wouldn’t like it. The vividness of the memory showing up AFTER I watched said movie with my brother and absolutely hated it. The absence of being so well known like that is thick. A dream I woke up from the other day of a conversation with a lifelong best friend of Jordan’s. The hurt in his heart and the intensity & honesty of him missing Jordan and talking to me about it left me to wake up to utter sadness. Sobbing to my mom later; “I can’t believe it happened. I can’t believe he’s gone.” It really is nearly impossible to wrap my mind around the permanence of death. It’s painful to even try. The way when Jordan gets spoken of the very present awareness of the past tense stabs me in the chest. I entered 2011 without him; a year he’ll never know. I will make a year of memories, none of which will include Jordan. Five days later, Arawen turned 2 without her daddy. The memories begin and it all hurts. A lot.

Heart healing: I don’t know how to explain the strong confidence I had from the very beginning of my brutally wounded heart that God would heal me. I knew He would. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt. I knew I couldn’t and won’t ever understand an incomprehensible God, but I also knew that wasn’t my job. Really, the best way I can describe it is that I have been granted surrender. God picked me up, planted me at the cross, lifted my arms, took my balled up fists, stretched my fingers out, and turned them palms up. I held the pain at arm’s length as best I could. I exhausted myself to sleep every night for a long time. I didn’t want to fall to sleep, I just wanted to pass out from exhaustion. I stayed up reading until my eyes could no longer physically stay open. And it was in this heart-wrenching, reeling, pain-racked time period that God spoke to my hurting heart and a manifestation of the healing became real. I have a story to tell and it’s full of redemption and it has God‘s fingerprints all over it.

One night, I was up late reading a book after an unexpected but surprisingly enjoyable, rejuvenating, and very quick trip to Phoenix. My younger brother Josh had just punctured a lung and lacerated his liver in a bull-riding accident in Flagstaff, so after a week of recovering, I traveled out there to bring him home. His friend Ty, who attends school in Phoenix, had been at the rodeo and then at the hospital, blessing us greatly by being there for Josh when we could not. Ty had also graciously provided airport transit, picking me up and dropping the two of us off the next morning. This is my journal entry from the night I got back:

It was a moment that was born. It sparkled, then lived. It was so real and important it reached out, halted my book-reading, and turned my head to look over at it. It took my breath away and I reveled in it. I noticed it all intensely and repeatedly, devouring the entire picture with my eyes. The gorgeous, splayed lashes on the curvy, nearly spherical cheek. The unconscious beauty of the pink, perfectly joined lips. The chubby, suntanned arms and legs jutting out of the striped green pajamas and splayed all over her -and my- side of the bed. The arm curved in front of her face with the silly banz on her wrist. The blond tendrils gracing her forehead in a myriad of directions. The one braid in and the one braid out. The imperceptible up-and-down of her back and translucent softness and aliveness of my daughter sleeping next to me.

Ahhhh….. I drank deeply before I realized what was happening. Then, startled by the delight, exactly like the heartbroken girl in my recently abandoned book after she had a rare joyful moment, I asked, “It’s ok to be happy. Right?”

You’d-think-it-would-have-been-longer pause.

Then, I knew that the wise adult’s reply to the girl was true for me as well: “Right. Very ok.” Except the voice I heard wasn’t an uncannily understanding man. It was Father. I know that voice; it penetrates hospital ceilings. His understanding is not uncanny. His understanding is omniscient, empathetic, and very, very real. It is ok to be happy. And then I heard the same voice again:

“And it’s ok to love Ty Kieser.”

Twenty-nine days after my beloved husband looked me gently in the eyes, touched my chest and told me he was going to pray that God would make space in my heart to love someone else, I was freed to love Ty Kieser. I was profoundly astonished!

Ty Kieser. Tall, dark, disarmingly handsome, radiating Jesus in raw genuineness, soul-searching eyes, beyond athletic, hilarious, passionate man of God. I knew that it would be hard. I knew that being freed to love him did not include doing anything about it. Except pray. I knew the next weeks and months would nevertheless be piercingly painful with loneliness and excruciating surrender. And I knew I would have to lay this man on the altar too. I was not being freed to love him and keep him. I was being freed to love him and give him back to God. But, with all that knowledge, I also knew I loved him. And that God was in this.

Caught completely off-guard, awestruck in the moment, the above description and narrative began to tumble through my head. As I grabbed my laptop knowing I needed to write it all down and I couldn’t lose the words reading themselves to me in my brain, I questioned myself. I distrusted the terrified and excited butterflies in my stomach. The blatant obviousness of the fact that it would take a divine miracle loomed horribly and familiarly large.

I comforted and convinced myself that if it wasn’t, in fact, supposed to happen with the man newly dear to my heart, I would be more than happy to delete the above paragraphs forever. I knew that, with whomever God would bless me, he would be unthinkably right and wonderfully over-qualified for the huge job. I envisioned myself ruefully laughing and gesturing with a flick of my wrist at the immature coping mechanism of a crush.

The self-assuring, self-questioning, and self-protection walls were closing in on me, but I was kind of there: freedom to live in the moment. Unashamed of what that moment looked like even if, to all others it appeared unforgivably ludicrous. Freedom to allow an overwhelming spectrum of raw emotions into my heart and know that I wasn’t the One ultimately responsible for sorting it out. Freedom to put my computer down, shakily and probably temporarily give it all to God, and go to sleep. 8.23.10, 1:54 a.m.

Next post title: God’s Crazy Love Stories

God of storms

2010-12-13T04:57:00.003-06:00

In Phoenix. We were so blessed with an amazing vacation there in October.

“Look at me. Every time you look at me, you’re going to know that I believe in a miracle!” I smiled a big and real smile as I said that to Jordan after we had talked about some unbelief that was repressive and tangible to the two of us when certain people were in the room. Some people didn’t believe for us, and we could tell. It was imperative to me that he knew I absolutely believed! I hardly ever cried in front of him, not because there weren’t plenty of tears in me, and not because I was fabricating a façade for him, but because I believed in a miracle with him, and because he needed to know that. I wasn’t trying to hide from him the agony I experienced during his suffering. He knew. He knew it hurt me immensely to see him like that. I wasn’t pretending for him, I was choosing to be strong for him and I told him that. We’d have an honest conversation like, “Hey babe, how was last night for you?” “Last night was really hard; I cried a lot. And I gave you back to Jesus.” We had normal voices and neutral tones and we were discussing the most emotionally rending time of our lives. And then I’d smile genuinely and beautifully at him. He always told me I was three times prettier when I smiled. So I showered him with those real, beautiful smiles that he loved all that last week in the hospital. Every time our eyes met, even if I was crying, I smiled really big through my tears. I got as many hugs from him as possible too. As the amount of time he spent upright dwindled, I was missing them. So, whenever we’d help him stand up to get in or out of bed, I’d briefly lean into that familiar place in his chest, close my eyes, and just let myself feel. Feel him. His height and his strength. His fleeting presence.

But I didn’t know it was fleeting! I knew it looked fleeting. Oh yes! I was painfully aware of the reality of the appearance of vanishing life! To every logically thinking person on the planet, Jordan’s days were few. To all the doctors and nurses that read his plummeting oxygen saturation levels. To friends that were going above and beyond to help us and pray for us. To family that constantly stood by our side. To everyone, it looked like he was dying. To Jordan and me, and to countless others, it looked like God was setting the stage for the greatest miracle everyone in our sphere of acquaintances, our state, and our country had ever witnessed. He was just making it look harder to our reality-trapped minds, and our unbelieving hearts before He blew us out of the water with indisputably miraculous physical healing. Jordan had every intention of walking out of that hospital on his own and he wanted to bring the other patients with him! We believed in a miracle.

I’m so unashamed of that fact. I remember ‘reminding’ God that because we were believing in a physical miracle and proclaiming said belief as loudly as we could through every avenue possible, He’d have to show up. Boldly stepping out in our faith in a God who still heals physically, we had a prayerful and expectant world watching us. The blog got linked up to countless times, the link got shared on facebook by multiple people, strangers came to the prayer meetings, the CaringBridge site had thousands of visitors; God was in the spotlight. “Therefore, God, You have to heal this cancer,” we concluded. As I sat next to Jordan’s hospital bed, writing what would be my final plea for healing prayer, I hesitated. I had a fleeting thought of the millions of pieces that would come from the world-shattering if this didn’t end in the kind of miracle for which we were faithfully hoping. “How am I going to explain that?” God said gently over my shoulder, “I’m big enough to pick up those pieces. You don’t have to worry about making me look bad. I’ve been protecting my reputation and guarding my glory for a long time, child.” I hated that I had just had that thought of ‘might not’ because I wanted our miracle so vehemently, so I lunged forward with my typing and this is what I wrote: Again, please join in praying for a miracle tonight at 8. This is God's deal; but I have no problems as His child asking for what He does best.

So, here we are, on the other side of the millions of tiny pieces that came crashing down around myself and the girls, around our families, around our friends when Jordan’s miracle was unexpectedly eternal.

Today in church, the sermon was on Luke 8 where Jesus calms the storm. My family and I now attend Bethany Community Church and the Body of Christ there is a huge blessing. Pastor Daniel spoke on faith in a sovereign Lord in our storms. Follow God into the storm, trust Him in the middle of the storm, and understand that He ordains the storm. “Your storm is an opportunity to do what you were created to do; glorify God, worship Him, and say Hallelujah!”

The following is a piece of the story of my storm. The fiercest winds, highest waves, most catastrophically painful moments of my life. This is my storm’s peak. It’s been a long time coming maybe, but it was so devastating at the time, that to even think back was gut-wrenching. Picking up where we left off:

“I’m going to a better place.” “Is that ok with you, baby?” “Yeah, it’s what Jesus wants.” I knew it was true. I heard those indescribable, life-altering words and I didn’t panic. I just knew. To say I was okay with it, sounds appalling, but I knew Jesus was in Jordan. I knew the Spirit was pouring from him. I watched his sanctification process for the last 6 years, I got to see Jesus really up-close in Jordan for the last 4 years. I trusted Jesus in Jordan so much that I just sat there holding his hand and didn’t say anything. I had finally abandoned my husband to the Holy Spirit the last week of his life. I stopped trying to help God out in working in and through Jordan, and I just surrendered him to the only One that can truly change hearts. I was finally a good wife. All throughout that last week I told him over and over things like:
“You go where Jesus goes.”
“What’s Jesus saying? Let me know after He tells you.”
“Don’t worry about me and the girls. We have Jesus.”

Not right afterwards, but after a small silence, the very next thing he said as he looked peacefully into my eyes was: “I want my girls to have a daddy.” “I do too!” was my immediate reply, and “You!” was my silent scream. I didn’t know where he was going with that; I was still trying to process his previous statement, and was still instinctively in miracle mode. I had a millisecond of hope, that God had changed his mind, that the second realization of our precious daughters needing a father was usurping the first that Jesus wanted him Home. Then he said to me as he gently touched my chest with all five of his right-hand fingers, “I’m going to pray for you that God makes space in your heart to love somebody else. Because you have a big heart. And they need a daddy.” I was crying; not hard but steadily, and my soul went lurching and reeling from the blow of hearing the last words anyone wants to hear from the love of their life and the father of their children.

He told me “Thank you” for a thousand different things. “Thanks for the last 4 years. They’ve been the best years of my life. There were some hard times, but we made it through with Jesus. Thanks for loving me and loving our girls the way you do. Thanks for being my best friend. Thanks for your forgiveness. Thanks for encouraging me, believing in me...” (I’ve desperately tried to remember this word for word. But I can’t.) He looked down at his wedding ring, then looked at me and said “You want this?” I just tearfully nodded. He pulled it off his finger and placed it on my left thumb. Then, I got to tell him “Thank you” for a thousand different things. “Thanks for the best 4 years of my life, thanks for being Jesus to me more than any other person in my life, thanks for loving me, thanks for being an awesome daddy to Jaycee and Arawen and prophesying into their lives, thanks for loving the Word of God and seeking His kingdom first, thanks for leading our family, thanks for forgiving me all those times, thanks for singing to me in the car, holding my hand, writing me notes, telling me I’m beautiful, taking me on dates...” I whispered it all into his ear because I didn’t want the others to hear all of the personal things for which I specifically wanted to say thanks. Because that’s the way God made marriage: a beautiful, intimate secret between the two of you.

He went around the room and spoke to each of his siblings and their spouses. He thanked his parents. He got to sing with us and when we sang “It Is Well” he raised his hands to praise the God he loved and served so passionately. He was able to bless Jaycee and Arawen one last time. He placed his hands on their heads and anointed them with oil. He prayed over them like this frequently and loved to prophesy and speak scripture into their young lives. He released them to Jesus, and relinquished all of his plans to impart his loves to them. The outdoors, basketball, the Bible, music. He let go of being able to teach them how to ride a bike, hear them learn to read, watch them turn into beautiful young ladies, and walk them down the aisle. He dreamt of and talked eagerly of doing those things, and when that dream died, he gave them to Jesus.

I waited for him to die. He eventually lost consciousness. He was hallucinatory before that. I counted his breaths as they got slower and farther...and farther apart. “One...Jesus, Jesus, Jesus!” I cried out in my mind as I looked at the cross, “Two...Jesus, Jesus, Jesus!” And there was that cross. I waited for him to die. I lay there in that hospital bed, holding his hand, surrounded by family, and waited for my husband to die. My back was aching intensely from being in the same position for so long. My heart hurt so bad. It hurt physically. It literally felt like there was a small circular saw, cutting away at my sternum, in one long, thin, piercing, searing slice, right down the center of my chest, from the inside out. My heart was breaking and it was as if it was trying to get out of my body, detach itself from my soul, mind, and all the nerves that connected it to me and the other half right next to me, part of me yet separate, with the life seeping out of him. It didn’t last long, and yet, it seemed like forever. He kept breathing. And I kept counting. “...Fifty-two...Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.” And there was the cross again. And that horribly, crippling, incessant, real pain. It hurt to hear him try to breathe. The way his chest protruded with the sucking in, the sounds his throat made when the air came out. It hurts me to think about it now. It was agony. When the last breath sighed out of his body, I was rubbing his chest, my arm was around his neck, my forehead was against his, and then I kissed him. And then I left. I got up out of that bed, I stumbled out of that room, and when I got to that cold white, long hallway, I fell on my knees and I yelled as loud as I could: “God! I still believe in you!” I collapsed on the tile, my face on the floor, and the sobs wracking my body, as I cried and cried and cried. He was there. He was there the whole time. The whole time. All of Him. And all of His healing power. He was there and He is here. He simply is. My biggest pain was unthinkably, unimaginably, horribly painful. And my biggest reality was Jesus Christ; incomprehensibly, unfathomably, inconceivably real. My dad was next to me, on his knees with his arms around me, sobbing with me. “Of course you do! Of course you believe in Him. Of course you do, sweetheart! You love Him. Of course you still believe in Him!” The rest of my family came out then, surrounding me and crying, sharing that big, engulfing and colossal sea of our collective pain in which I was drowning.

And that’s my story. Excruciating, devastating, traumatizing, unbearable moments of my life. Turns out, I don’t have an explanation. God ordained this storm. He knew how much it would hurt, and He still numbered Jordan’s breaths so they ceased almost 5 months ago. And the pain just got worse after that. I had to tell my girls that Daddy wasn’t coming back. I had to plan a funeral. I had to keep on living. He’s fully in charge of the winds and the waves. And He doesn’t owe me an explanation. I have very real and present temptations to make a thousand accusatory queries of the God of the Universe. But because He is God, and I am man, it means He is far beyond our human comprehension. I also have a very real and present Savior. He never left me. He hurt me really bad, and I couldn’t feel Him sometimes but HE WAS THERE! He continues to be immovably right here in my pain and has given me the grace to praise Him in my storm. He’s also given me an indescribable and explicit trust that He will heal me. He will! And He will do it however and whenever He desires. So, I’m just doing what I was designed to do: praising my Creator. I raise my hands right now, to the God of the storms and say “Hallelujah!”

Please note: the website for Jordan's revival service and blessing videos is now http://www.11r.com/jordan_schroeder/

Isaiah 43:1-4 has been speaking volumes to me lately.
But now thus says the LORD,
he who created you, O Jacob,
he who formed you, O Israel:
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by name, you are mine.
When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;

and through the rivers,
they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire
you shall not be burned,
and the flame shall not consume you.
For I am the LORD your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.
I give Egypt as your ransom,
Cush and Seba in exchange for you.
Because you are precious in my eyes,
and honored, and I love you.

2010-11-07T19:33:00.005-06:00

Nov 7, 2006. Jordan's 22nd birthday. The first one we celebrated together.

A while ago, I began an email reply to a friend of mine that we had the privilege of getting to know while we were in Mexico. She and her husband fought the cancer battle ferociously for 4 long years. Earlier this year, her husband died. She has two little boys. In her e-mail update she talked about their would-have-been 8-year anniversary. Here's an excerpt: "Sometimes I wonder if this would be so much easier to bear if we had had a rotten marriage - then maybe this wouldn't hurt so bad. It's so hard for me to face the future without him and all alone." Please pray for her. Her name is Nicole.

The half-finished email got left for another day, but yesterday, I began again, and it turned into a revelation: A shout-out to my Savior, the Lover of my soul and Redeemer of the World. I wanted to share some of it with all of you.

As I'm sitting here crying and thinking about your e-mail and your anniversary and your breaking heart, please know that I'm bringing you to the Throne, where, like you said, we can come boldly to find grace to help in time of need. My heart hurts all the time and I think a lot about the awesome relationship with which Jordan and I were so blessed like you and Donny. I remember on several occasions having the enemy whisper over my shoulder to pull away, to resist growing closer to my husband and best friend because it would hurt more. My heart would be more entwined and therefore more shredded if something would happen to him. But I refused with my whole being, I fiercely fought that lie off and consciously made the effort to love him better and enjoy him more and bind my heart to his. Honestly, part of that was game-playing with God. I thought if He saw me resisting the devil and following him wholeheartedly, sacrificially loving my husband in the middle of trial He would spare me the loss and the hurt and the life-shattering. But I also knew it was the right thing to do and I did it with everything in me. Jesus in me chose to abandon my heart to the man I loved and who was dying of a terminal disease. And now, as I cling to the God that hurt me so deeply, I have been imparted a great thankfulness.

I'm so thankful our marriage was amazing. I know marriage is hard and flesh-denying, and takes great effort, and ours was all of that. But it was AMAZING! We were best friends and verbalized that to one another often. We anticipated greatly our just-us weekends and evenings together. We laughed and laughed and laughed, and cuddled all the time. Jordan would lay down on the couch or bed and yell "Family snuggle time!" So the girls and I would all pile on laughing and hugging and then just laying our heads on his chest. We hugged a lot! When he engulfed me in his arms, I'd look up at him and tell him, "This is my favorite spot in the whole world!" and I meant it. We'd fall asleep holding hands in the middle of the bed. We shared a lot of secret smiles and glances. Red lights were designed for kissing we had both concluded, so we'd kiss and then he'd put his arm around me, look over nodding his head all big and cocky, and shout to the person next to us: "Yeah, she's my wife!" I'd just laugh. He loved to make me laugh and was good at it. He was so proud of me and I just really, really liked him and believed in him. I never doubted that I was the love of his life and we knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that God brought us together. I remember leaning over to him at every wedding we went to and telling him, "I'm just so glad I'm not marrying THAT guy. I'm so glad I got you!" He'd always exclaim, "How did I land you!?" with surprise and triumph all at once. He claimed he reeled me in with his charm and good looks. It was true. He had charm, good looks, and a heart that sought God. I think he told all of his friends that he loved me way before our relationship went past friendship. He was always so vulnerable about where his heart was; it made me uncomfortable before we were married and then it challenged and amazed me after we were married. He was so okay with repenting in tears and baring his soul to me; all of his weaknesses, failures, desires, and dreams; he gave me all of him and entrusted his heart to me explicitly from the beginning. Some nights, we'd just talk forever, about everything. I was crazy about him. I completely melted and my head would spin when he'd stand right in front of me oozing manliness, and smirking down at me all mischievous and sexy, attracting every molecule in my body, completely aware of the fact that he was irresistible to me. He was; and I let him know it. We'd fake fight, and make huge deals out of little things because it was fun to yell and half-way insult the other while tempering it with a lot of humor. We'd get out the boxing gloves and go to town on each other; that may seem like an unfair advantage, but I'd get him giggling and then just whale on him, so it was pretty even. We claimed it was healthy for our marriage. He wanted me around for everything; so I learned and got a tiny bit better at basketball, fishing, hunting, baseball, golf, and watching sports. We loved having our girls along too; a lot of times, we'd have an opportunity to leave them or that would seem like the more logical thing to do, but we just wanted to enjoy them so we'd haul them out to eat or over to friends' houses and they'd just stay up all happy or go to sleep in a room somewhere. He sang songs to me. He'd put in a CD and perfectly imitate the country twang on all these cheesy love songs he liked and knew by heart, belting them with his amazing voice. He always tried to get me to harmonize with him and it never really worked, so we'd get a good laugh but he'd still encourage me with that gift of his; "One day, you'll be a worship leader!" he told me. He said things like that to the girls, too "You're going to be an awesome warrior for the Kingdom!" he'd tell Arawen, and to Jaycee, "You're going to love Jesus with your whole heart, because you have an amazing heart!" "You're both going to be incredible, godly, prophetic, Spirit-filled women of God. You're going to prophesy into people's lives and be used by Jesus to work miracles." He would say those things to them when they weren't even able to walk or talk. He saw God's fingerprints on them and was so visionary and vocal about his little world-changers. He took the responsibility of spiritual headship as a wonderful privilege and treated our Bible and prayer time as priority. He'd sing songs to Jaycee and Arawen when he put them in bed. Jaycee still won't let me sing "Jesus loves me" or "Trust and obey" because "only boys sing those songs." They're 'Daddy' songs to her. He loved us like crazy! He sacrificed for us; not only did he work so hard to provide, but he did tons of things around the house. He'd empty the dishwasher, put the groceries away, wash the dishes, sweep the carpet, make us breakfast, bathe the girls. He loved doing it too, and did it intentionally. He'd say, "That's because I love you!" He told me often that I blessed him, that I was an amazing wife and he never wanted to take me for granted. He also told me I was beautiful all the time and I felt beautiful around him. I told him he was "smokin' hot" and it became a catchphrase in our marriage because, according to him, I said 'smokin' with an 'l' sound in the middle. It just got exaggerated, and we'd call each other 'Smolkin!' It was awesome. He was the nickname master and we had a whole other language in our house. I don't know how many different nicknames we both went by and it became even more hilarious when the girls were born. His sense of humor was so prevalent in our everyday. I'd call him up and tell him all the funny things the girls did, knowing he was the only other one that would think it was that hysterical. We left each other love notes and Bible verses. On the kitchen table before he left for work and I got up. In his lunchbox. On the dashboard of the car. On the bathroom mirror. We text-messaged a lot and ended every phone conversation with "I love you" even if we were mad. Our marriage was a God thing! It was truly amazing!

Back to your inquiry about whether or not living would be easier if it hadn't been so wonderful; I don't think 'easy' is anywhere near our experience these days, and I am very aware that 'hard' is incredibly present. But I don't know how I could handle the guilt on top of the loss if I had been secretly hoping I could get out, if I had been harboring bitterness and resentment towards God for the husband He gave me, if I was distrusting Jordan's love for God and me. All of those things were beyond a shadow of a doubt in my mind. God was first and foremost. I was far and away his favorite woman on the planet and then our girls were next. I'm so humbled that I have an awesome legacy and story to tell Jaycee and Arawen. I'm so thankful I can talk so highly to them about the daddy of whom they are a piece. I'm so grateful we drank so deeply of the love with which God had so immensely blessed us and designed to be delightful, erotic, and soul-satisfying. I'm so so so very grateful!

There's a Sara Groves song I just heard that talks about getting to Heaven and asking Job how to be broken and faithful. It also talks about being broken and grateful and peaceful. That's what I am! I am horribly, painfully broken and yet grateful! I am broken and faithful. I am broken and still praising God! Not in spite of, but because of all the pain I'm in. I have hope and peace that passes understanding because God is so massively big in my life. You see that big, rambling paragraph up there that was so extremely bittersweet and tearful to remember and write all by myself? Do you know how many other things I could've put up there if Jordan would've been reading over my shoulder? I've only got me to remember now and only my perspective to think from and parent from and make decisions from. I'm half a person. The oneness that we had in Christ through the holiness of marriage just got severed. My heart got shredded. I lost all of ^ that ^ up there! I ran to my Daddy with a gaping wound and He didn't even put a bandaid on it. He watched me bleed all over that 7th floor hospital room, all over that hospital bed I shared with Jordan, all over that last year of cancer. He watched those cancer cells overtake those precious lungs. And now, beyond anything I can understand, He's holding me right here at the foot of the cross. I'm just camping out at the cross. Because at the cross, God shouts "I LOVE YOU!" And that's what I need to hear. Over and over. It's at the cross I realize it's not all about me. I'm not the only one. I know that He knows and understands this kind of pain. He knows what it's like to watch the one you love the most on earth suffer and then die. I know He knows, because what He endured for the blackness of my soul was worse than what I'm enduring because of the blackness of sin, suffering, disease, and a fallen world. I'm overcome with thankfulness when I think of Jordan's firm faith in the cross of Calvary. I'm this broken and I'm this sad, and yet I experience daily a joy unspeakable and a thankfulness indescribable. I still have hope! Miraculous joy and miraculous hope.

Today is Jordan's birthday. Twenty-six years ago, Rachel Sauder-Schroeder gave birth to Jordan Lee Schroeder. Duane and Rachel were blessed with their fourth child and second son on November 7, 1984. What a gift! What a miracle! I know; I've given birth twice and it's utterly life-changing. But do you know what birthday I'm unbelievably, far-and-away more grateful for? His real birthday.

March 28th, 2004. On THAT day, Jordan Lee Schroeder was truly born. Covered by the blood of Jesus, and delivered into the Kingdom of God, he became a new creature, dead to sin, ALIVE unto Christ. THAT day, Jesus overcame and satan lost, and a heavenly host rejoiced over a sinner's homecoming. Jordan got revived at the foot of the cross. He clung confidently to that new and supernatural life, being sanctified by the power of the Spirit and using His gifts to inspire faith and Bible hunger in so many people around him. He had real life to such a miraculous degree that not even death could quench it. So, on July 24, 2010 when that big heart stopped beating, he became even more alive than ever in the Presence of God!

Priceless! ABSOLUTELY PRICELESS! That gift of grace is unspeakably awe-inspiring to me right now. That knowledge I possess is beyond precious to me. It blesses me in the deepest depths of my soul! I'm speechless with how to express this gratitude. All I can say, is THANK YOU FOR THE CROSS JESUS!!! THANK YOU FOR THE CROSS!! THANK YOU JESUS! I am so in love with You and I'm humbled and overwhelmed by Your grace, Your mercy, Your provision, Your unsearchable love, Your unbelievable sacrifice, and Your miraculous, saving power! AMEN AND AMEN! AND HALLELUJAH! GOD,YOU ARE AWESOME!!

Today, I would love to be celebrating with Jordan and my brother Zachary. Zach turns 8 today. Jordan always told Zach they had the coolest birthday around. I can vividly imagine it; another joint party with home-made ice cream cake and the whole family gathered around my parents' big kitchen table. But today, I already got to celebrate with Jordan. Joining the Body of Christ at church and the heavenly throng at the Throne, I was privileged to raise my hands to the God of love, and sing "Glory to Your name" and "You rose and conquered the grave!" to The King. That praise reaches past the time-space continuum and my voice and Jordan's voice and countless others celebrated the only real thing worth celebrating: Jesus Christ.

Let's continue to praise Jesus. It's eternal.

Happy most-awesome-birthday ever, Baby!

2010-10-04T13:44:00.010-05:00

My heart hurts.

It aches all the time. I didn't know you could be in this much pain and still function. I didn't know that I could survive this long without him. I didn't know my girls could go without their daddy. I didn't know that I didn't need to tell him all of the funny things they do throughout the day. I didn't know that I could teach, instruct, and discipline Jaycee and Arawen without him. I didn't know I could make financial decisions on my own. I didn't know I could get dressed up and go somewhere without having him tell me I was beautiful. I didn't know my body could ache to be held. I didn't know eternity would ever be this real to me. I didn't know that praising God would make me cry every time. I didn't know that God would implant thankfulness into my heart. I didn't know that I'd trust Him explicitly to heal me in His time. I didn't know how solely sufficient Jesus is.

I did know, however, that I was immeasurably blessed with the husband God gave me. I'm so thankful -SO THANKFUL- we expressed our love and thankfulness for each other all throughout our marriage!

I found my last hand-written note to him while I was moving out of the home we had purchased in April. The girls and I have been so blessed to have my parents open up their home to us. We've been living here since mid August. This was written sometime mid June:

I LOVE YOU!

I LOVE OUR WEEKENDS TOGETHER!

I LOVE OUR NEW HOUSE!

I LOVE OUR FRIDGE

I LOVE YOUR FACIAL HAIR

I LOVE LAUGHING WITH YOU!

Randomly, I was in an old e-mail inbox today and I found one I had saved.

Four years ago tomorrow he wrote me this e-mail.

Hey Gorgeous-

Sometimes I just don't know how to show you how much you truly mean to me. I try to tell you when I can but words just aren't enough. I hope that my actions speak louder than my words. I thank God for you, babe. You are an amazing woman and God has given you an amazing heart. Let's keep giving everything to God because the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. So if He wants to take something from us then He can. I am so excited about having a baby with you. I love kids so much and I know you do too. I pray that God will give us wisdom and grace to teach and raise our kids the way He designed us to. I know you are not too excited about the newborn stage but I think God designed it so we can gradually learn. He works in different ways to refine us and make us holy. I keep praying that our love for each other will burn 7 times hotter, and that our love for God will be more than that. Thanks for everything, babe. Sorry when I sin against and don't treat you the way that I should. You truly mean the world to me. I look forward every day to my drive home because I know you are there. May God truly bless you and thanks for being a blessing to me.

The one who will always                                                                                                                                    be there for you,

Jordan

What else is there to say? My tears are streaming and my heart is hurting and my soul is yearning for Jesus.

2010-09-18T11:49:00.001-05:00

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 18, 2010 10:42 AM, CDT

But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ. Phil 3:7-8

Knowing Jesus is better than everything else. It surpasses all. It's worth infinitely more than any other imaginable blessing. Even having and holding my best friend? even being a part of a God-honoring, amazing marriage? even having a godly, sacrificial daddy for my girls? Even receiving a huge, physical healing miracle? All of that is garbage compared to knowing Jesus?

If that is true, then I am still abundantly blessed. I am incredibly rich.

What I once thought I knew, I now KNOW. I know that I know that I know that I KNOW Jesus. I know Him personally. I am His and He is in me. I am His sheep & I hear His voice. This is a powerful, seared-into-my-soul Truth. And sometimes, I feel like the gain of this invaluable knowledge came at too painfully high of a price. But that doesn't make it untrue. My feelings never eclipse Truth.

It's been 7 weeks. Today would've been our 51st wedding anniversary. Yes, we celebrated months. Sometimes with a date, often with a little love note, but mostly, it was just a race to see who could remember and say "Happy Anniversary!" first.

I know it's been a long time. (And yet, it seems so close.) I know there's more to the story. I know I'm called to write. I know I have a God-given gift. I know it has nothing to do with the recipient, but the Giver gets all the glory for what He bestows. I know I need to continue the blog & be willing to be a witness to grief, confusion, and the unchanging & redemptive nature of a really big God. But, it's hard right now. Please pray for that willingness & calling.

The following is something Jordan's brother Jesse wrote. Jesse & his lovely wife Jill are my friends and love me and the girls in a capacity that far exceeds what I was to their brother. They love us because we're us, they love us because Jesus is Jesus. Jill is my big sister and Jesse's my other big brother because of who we are in Christ. I am so thankful for them!

Revival Service for Jordan Lee Schroeder - Held July 28, 2010

Revival. It is a word that immediately conjures up images of tent meetings and circuit-riding preachers. And although revival is indeed marked by specific times and events where the Holy Spirit manifests Himself in a mighty, powerful way, revival is also much more than that. Revival means to make alive again. It is a work that God directs in the hearts of individuals, for only God can take something that is dead and make it alive again. Only God can renew the fire in a soul for the things that are eternal.

Revival begins one person at a time - it begins with you and it begins with me. We will experience the revival that Jordan prayed for and lived for when we, by God's transforming power and grace, seek to live out His Word. When each of us hears Jesus' voice, comes and follows Him, and obeys Him, revival will come. When we love Him with all of our heart, soul, mind, and strength, revival will come. When we step out of our comfort zones and into the path of obedience, revival will come. It will flow through our lives. We will experience firsthand, in this life and the next, the abundant life that Jesus Christ offers...regardless of what may come our way.

John 10:10 - I (Jesus) have come that they (you & me) may have life and have it more abundantly.

On July 28, 2010 a revival service for Jordan Lee Schroeder was held. The purpose was simple, "In memory of Jordan Schroeder. In honor of Jesus Christ." God graciously answered this prayer in numerous ways. The service was documented and we have created a website that makes the audio and video available for listening, viewing, and downloading. A transcript of the service is also available on the website in both .doc and .pdf formats.

As a heart-touching bonus, we have included the audio and video of Jordan's final blessings of Jaycee and Arawen. Jordan loved to bless his two girls and pray over them since before they were born. The Holy Spirit empowered him to make final blessings that will have eternal ramifications for God's Kingdom for both Jaycee and Arawen.

The website address is www.11r.com We pray and trust that you will be blessed and encouraged to follow Jesus, obey Him, and experience revival in your life and the lives of those around you.

Should you prefer to receive a copy of the DVD or CD that includes the Revival Service and Jordan's Final Blessings of Jaycee & Arawen, please email schro98@sbcglobal.net with your name, address, format choice (DVD and/or CD), and number of copies and they will be sent to you.

Below is a listing of the artists and songs that have ministered to us throughout the past year. You may want to create your own playlist based upon these songs. We entitled ours, "Jordan's Journey."

Matt Redman - Blessed Be Your Name
Laura Story - Mighty to Save
Keith & Kristyn Getty - By Faith
Christy Nockels - Healing is in Your Hands, Hosanna, You are Able, A Mighty Fortress, Marvelous Light
The Kry - I Believe in You, You're All I Need, I Keep on Running, Take My Hand, He Won't Let You Go
Wayne Watson - A Beautiful Place, Walk in the Dark, Hard Times
Chris Tomlin - Our God
Selah - Timeless, Press On, Through it All

Thank you again for your faithful prayers and support for Jordan, Katelyn, Jaycee, Arawen, and the Schroeder and Thames families. You have been a true testimony of the love and unity that is present in the Body of Christ. May God bless you abundantly according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus.

God bless you all, Jesse Schroeder (Jordan's brother), on behalf of Katelyn, Jaycee, & Arawen, the Schroeder family, and the Thames family

note: I (Katelyn) have not seen any of the videos. Yet. I tried, I collapsed, I wept, & now I'm waiting for God to bless me with the ability to see it in His time.

2010-07-26T15:10:00.002-05:00

-I'm going to a better place.

-Is that okay with you, Baby?

-Yeah; it's what Jesus wants.

I want this to be a revival. And not just for the people in this room. For everyone.

-Jordan, 7.24.10

Revival Service.

In memory of Jordan Schroeder.

In honor of Jesus Christ.

Northwoods Community Church
Peoria, IL
Officiating: Jeff Thames and Jesse Schroeder

Wednesday, July 28th, 2010,
10:00 a.m.

Visitation:
Roanoke Apostolic Christian Fellowship Hall
Roanoke, IL
Tuesday, July 27th, 2010,
2-4 p.m. & 6-8 p.m.

Graveside service at Roanoke A.C. Church Cemetary

To God be the glory!

2010-07-22T19:40:00.001-05:00

Thursday, July 22, 2010 7:33 PM, CDT

I'm just gonna say it, cause I was convicted about my own prayers for them: praying for peace and comfort can wait. pray for healing, and if u can't, pray for faith. we're the ones who want peace and comfort, cause watching our friends suffer is making us uncomfortable. jordan and katelyn haven't asked for peace and comfort yet-they want the miracle God has for them. press on.

This was the Facebook status of one of our tireless prayer warriors, Angie Luginbuhl.

All I have to say is, Amen.

The struggle is great, but the grace is greater. My heavenly Father keeps peering over this huge mountain down at me and says, "Look up, I'm bigger than this."

Jordan's a warrior and I am so, so thankful for this faithful man of God. He is expectantly waiting for God to show up. He will!

Again, please join in praying for a miracle tonight at 8. This is God's deal; but I have no problems as His child asking for what He does best.

We love you all!

2010-07-22T10:03:00.001-05:00

Tonight! Healing prayer for Jordan Schroeder. Northwoods Community Church. Room G, in the basement. 8 - 9 p.m. EVERYONE WELCOME!!

2010-07-22T09:25:00.001-05:00

Thursday, July 22, 2010 9:08 AM, CDT

Dear Everybody,

Please keep believing in a miracle from God for us. We believe it. Jordan's body is racked by a ferocious disease. His breathing is labored, his oxygen is intensive-care-unit worthy. We're getting do-not-resuscitate decisions shoved down our throat.

We just got done crying out to God together. Jordan huffed his way through "God, You get all the glory from my body right now!" We are binding in the name of Jesus Christ this disease and releasing his power and life over Jordan's body today.

Please join us today!

Love, Jordan & Katelyn, Jaycee & Arawen

2010-07-20T14:11:00.001-05:00

Tuesday, July 20, 2010 1:58 PM, CDT

To all of our warriors in the Army of Christ, thank you for fighting with us, for lifting our arms when we couldn't keep them raised ourselves. Thank you for continuing in prayer.

Although our mountain looms large, the face of Jesus is that on which we're fixing our gaze. HE is bigger than all of this!

Taped on the bathroom door wall in this hospital room is a to-do list. I crossed all the mundane things off and what remained I taped to the door:
-Look @ Jesus
-Desire glory
-Do not fear
-Sing

Dad's hospital church service on Jehoshaphat's story is the inspiration.

Also, we had Jordan's prayer ministry course teacher in here on Sunday afternoon and part of her prayer over him is coming to mind and bringing comfort.
"Thank You Father that the prayers of your saints for Jordan are sweet fragrance before You and that they MATTER to you!"

We are hoping to come home from the hospital tonight. These past 4 days have basically been a trial period to see what Jordan needs for pain control. They've been brutal, but sustained by grace.

Please pray for complete, miraculous healing and that we would be able to come home!!

2010-07-18T07:20:00.000-05:00

A Battle Cry Call to Fasting and Prayer

Attention! All Christian Soldiers and Prayer Warriors of Jesus Christ

The time has come the time is now!

Jordan & Katelyn have considered their medical treatment options with no hope of improvement or a cure against this enemy and agent of death, this ever growing cancer; and they have decided to move Jordan home and cry out to God, the only source of Miraculous Hope.

As you read on their last post, they have laid all their hopes and dreams on God’s altar. They also know that the only one who can stay the knife has already died so they can live forever in Him.
He that spared not his own Son, but delivered him up for us all, how will he not also along with him also freely give us all things. Romans 8:32

They are begging all God’s people to fast and pray to God for them beginning Monday July 19, 2010. Please pray that God would be merciful to Jordan and Katelyn as he was merciful to nearly dead Epaphroditus and Paul in Phillipians 2:27.

In preparation, please consider what God did in the Bible and his amazing responses to fasting and prayer when his people were facing enemy, danger or death like Jehoshaphat in 2Chronicles
20:1-30, Hezekiah (2 Kings 20:1-11), Ezra (ch. 8:21-23), & Esther (ch.4:14-17); and even his response to some wicked men who fasted and prayed like the King of Ninevah (Jonah:3:5-10), & Ahab (1 Kings 21:20-29). See Isaiah 58 & Matthew 6:6-18 for further instructions.

Lastly remember the importance of fasting and prayer in healing the boy in Matthew 17:14-21 and don’t forget the words of Jesus,
This kind can come forth by nothing, but by prayer and fasting Mark 9:29

David therefore besought God for the child; and David fasted, and went in, and lay all night upon the earth. . . And he said, . . . I fasted and wept: for I said, Who can tell whether GOD will be gracious to me, that the child may live? 2 Samuel 12:16,22

Thanking you in advance for your prayers!
Jordan and Katelyn’s Family & Friends

2010-07-17T10:52:00.001-05:00

Saturday, July 17, 2010 9:56 AM, CDT

When I am weak, then am I strong.
2 Cor 12:10

How do you operate in a Truth when everything you feel screams "False!" at you?

How do you know Jesus is here when he feels nonexistent?

I have run out of prayers. The doctors have run out of hope.

Medically, Jordan has been in an intense amount of pain for an extended amount of time. His body has been screaming at him for over a month. He's lost over 30 pounds in the last 2 months. We went straight to the ER from the airport. Not the original plan! We did get an epidural placed last night, and he's on high-dose pain meds, so there was a reprieve from the agony last night. This morning, he's still not entirely comfortable. We're at Methodist. On the oncology floor.
His cancer is "very advanced." His prognosis is "very poor."

I'm always on the verge of tears. I'm exhausted and can't think straight. I keep finding myself at the Throne of Jehovah. I don't really pray a whole lot, I just claim the blood of Jesus, stand before my God as redeemed, and make known my need for mercy.

For indeed he was sick nigh unto death: but God had mercy on him... Phil 2:27'

Just before we came home from Mexico, we were talking about dreams and the Giver of dreams. Promises and the PromiseKeeper. Jordan prayed then, and he gave everything back to God. I watched my 25-year-old husband, father of 2, place his dreams on the altar. He laid them all down.

Watching his girls grow up. Teaching them about Jesus. Walking them down the aisle. Growing old with his wife. Having a little boy. Growing a business with his buddy. Preaching the Word of God. Hunting. Building a house in the country one day...

He gave them all back to Jesus.

This morning, I was up early, and sobbing on the living room floor, I gave my dreams to Jesus. Being married to a better-than-I-deserve man of God. Having my baby girls grow up with their daddy. Living in our new home. Having a little boy. Tropical family vacations. I gave Jordan to his Father. I left him at the altar.

And you know what? Through all the heartwrenching tears and heartache, we both left the Throneroom still extravagantly rich.

We still have Jesus. At that day ye shall know that I am in my Father, and ye in me, and I in you. (John 14:20)

"When your hope is running dry
When your dreams have waved goodbye
Hold on
Hold on to Me"
(Stellar Kart- our favorite cd right now. I listened to this song over and over last night)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_QI77bSj43o

While we're learning a lot about surrendering to God, we are still fighting a battle with the enemy. Coming soon: a battle cry call to fasting and prayer.

2010-07-15T10:54:00.002-05:00

It's been another one of those crazy weeks. After finding out the news from the CT scan of the lungs we started praying about and researching other clinics. With that many metastases on the lungs we know that my condition is extremely serious. Back in August they counted at least 16 spots on each lung but stopped counting because we were getting depressed. This time the pictures showed the same thing, if not more spots. They were all over. It has been extremely difficult dealing with that news but we have not lost hope.

Looking back over this past year we have so blessed. I have been able to work, play, we bought a new house, I got a new job. MY quality of life up until recently has been pretty amazing. Thinking of what it would have been like with the original chemo regimen they had me on, I can't imagine what this past year would have been like. I probably would not have been able to work and probably would weigh about 140 pounds. We have been thankful for this past year. God has really blessed it.

We feel like we are in the same boat as a year ago but they said I may not even live 6 months. We are going to continue to fight and trust that God will still bring complete healing even though things seem to be getting worse. l have lost quite a bit of weight over the last few months. Please pray that I will get my appetite back and that I can stay nourished. Right now, I really need to concentrate on my diet and not feed the cancer. It is difficult, but I believe God can bless it and give me the discipline to eat the foods that will help my body the most. Katelyn has been great at supporting me in this and I am thankful for that. Pray for her perseverance as well and that she could continue to encourage me in what I eat.

She has been absolutely amazing. If I had to sum it up I would say she has been a rock. The many times I would break into tears of severe pain she would always be there to comfort me and pray for me. She has been so willing to get me whatever I need and I am so in awe of the way she loves me. I keep telling her there is a giant mansion in Heaven waiting there just for what she has done on my behalf. Continue to lift her up in your prayers. It is very difficult for her to see me this way and I know she grows very weary at times. All I can say is thank you so much Jesus for the amazing wife of 4 years. I hope she will be my wife for another 70 years.

We have been looking into clinics in Atlanta, New York, and Texas. They all kind of have different approaches and each one sounds better when you are talking to someone over the phone about it. We talked to a doctor from Atlanta today and he said that sarcomas are very difficult to treat. They can respond very well to treatment and then mutate and find a way around it. We have been doing lots of thinking and praying and trying to decide where we should go next. We just feel like we are at the end of the road here at Rubio's and it's time for a change. No hard feelings. They have been so accommodating and we are thankful for the treatment and the help they provided this past year.

We decided tonight that we are going to fly out of San Diego tomorrrow and head home for the weekend to be with family and friends. We will then decide where we will go from there. We may even stay home if we feel God leading us to trust in complete healing around home. We don't know for sure. We do look forward to being home, though.

They ended up doing a nerve block in my back tonight. They stuck a needle in my spine and gave me morphine and another med. They will send a pump or two home with us then so we can continue the doses. Each dose lasts about 30 hours. I feel better already. All week I have had nerve sensations that cause my left leg to be tight all the time. It is very uncomfortable and has made it very difficult to walk and sleep. It feels great to get some relief but we know that it is just a band aid right now, and is not fixing the underlying problem of the tumor in the pelvis. Hopefully, it will help the flight home be a little more enjoyable than the flight out.

So how can you pray for us? Pray for a safe trip home tomorrow. Pray for strength for me and recovery for me. Pray that we can be a light to those that we come into contact with this weekend. Pray that we can be re-energized with supernatural joy and hope this weekend as we have missed our family and friends so much. Pray for wisdom and discernment as we decide where to take the next step. Pray for God to be glorified no matter what the outcome is. Thanks for all your prayers.

We have had many dreams and visions as a family for our future. We have had people pray and prophesy incredible things into our lives. God has given us confirmation that we will get through this. Katelyn made a great point this morning and said maybe we are putting all our hope in those dreams and not in the Dream Giver. I thought about that a lot today and I think she hit the nail on the head. God wants us to want Him and Him only. He wants our total focus and attention. He says we will find him when we seek for Him with our whole hearts. Joseph had a dream. Things didn't quite go the way I think he thought they might after receiving the dream. Between the pit, Potiphar, prison, and the palace it says the Lord was with him. In the end, he was able to tell his brothers that the Lord meant it for good. It says the word of the Lord tried Joseph. Did he cling to his Lord, or to his dream? We want to cling to Jesus and trust that whatever his will is we are willing to do it. Thank you Lord for bringing that word through Katelyn. She is so right. Pray that we can forsake everything else and just cling to our Savior and in what he has in store for us.

2010-07-09T23:08:00.002-05:00

Then Job arose, and rent his mantle, and shaved his head, and fell down upon the ground, and worshipped, ... the LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD.
...What? shall we receive good at the hand of God, and shall we not receive evil?

I was by the pool with my Bible. There's been a lot of talk about Job recently around here. I figured it was a good thing to go back and re-read the book. I had just got to chapter 4, with the above passages having really spoken to me when Dr. Rubio approached me.

It was the last thing I wanted to hear. It was the worst news possible. The only remarkable thing was that I didn't dissolve into tears- then.

The cancer has taken over Jordan's lungs again. It's really bad.

I know I'm risking 'too personal' here, but I don't have the stamina to write an original post tonight. This is a portion of an e-mail to our family sent yesterday. It is our heart right now.
Blessed be the name of the Lord.

On Tuesday, we got to be ministered to by a brother in Christ that occasionally comes down to this clinic from Los Angeles. He's a minister/PhD in integrated medicine, very passionate about the Word and Spirit. It was truly a divine appointment; he prayed for us, prophesied into our lives and we had amazing fellowship in the Spirit! As we were praying, I remembered Jill's prayer request for breakthrough and it was a breakthrough into our discouragement and doubt. He spoke to us about unforgiveness and told us to ask God to reveal anything in the way of His throne, he challenged us to give our firstfruits to the Lord, including our time. He mentioned how coming into his presence with praise and thanksgiving is so key. We've been blessed to have had amazing, anointed prayer & worship time these past 2 mornings together. Confessing and forsaking sin, releasing those who have wronged us, thanking God for everything, even the hard things. Claiming promises in the name of Jesus, binding demonic influence and releasing hope, strength, life, peace, & miraculous healing. (Mat 16:19)

We're really learning a whole lot more than we ever wanted to about the truth of Ephesians 6, how we don't wrestle against flesh and blood but against principalities, powers, rulers of darkness, & spiritual wickedness. The battle down here has been intense, but, (also in Eph 6), we're well equipped for it. After that incredibly uplifting time of prayer with Mr. Warren, that night, Jordan was in so much pain, it hurt him when I crawled up on the bed. He could feel it in his leg and he was rocking back and forth on all fours crying out. Can anyone think of anything more discouraging and disheartening? That was the night he was supposed to go down to 2 fentanyl patches, but quite obviously, couldn't. I knew it was a satanic counterattack & we needed to pray, and we did.

God's really been changing our prayer language. Our spiritual eyes are slowly being opened and we're being given more confidence in the power & authority of the Spirit that indwells us. Jordan ended up having a fairly marginal night that night but he will testify that it was infused with something miraculous: a peace that passes understanding, a knowledge of the fact the God in him was enabling him to get through the discomfort. He was aware of his body's groanings, but he was MORE aware of the divine peace that rested on him throughout the entire night, getting him through. Praise God!

We also got to talk on the phone with both Mom & Dad and my parents last night, (actually only my dad talked, but I'm pretty sure we were on speaker with my mom right there- again, typical or what? :) ) Anyways, a while later when we were in bed, Jordan mentioned to me that our families are under attack from the enemy just like we are. We want you to know that we are praying for you. Fear is the antithesis of love (1 John 4). We know fear is a struggle. We know discouragement can yank our eternal perspective from beneath us. We know! And we are praying. We want you to know that we love you, we feel your love and prayers and we're all in the fight together because we're all part of the body of Christ, engaged in the apocalyptic warfare of the universe.

It sounds so dramatic and scary and yet! read Revelation. The end of the story- we're already on the winning side! Guaranteed victory. Actually victory ALREADY won, there, at the cross and the empty tomb! One of my ABSOLUTE favorite verses: "These shall make war against the Lamb, and the Lamb shall overcome them because He is Lord of lords and King of kings. And they that are with Him are called and chosen and faithful!" (Rev. 17:14) Yeah!!! It makes my blood pump! It's like there's no other possible option for the simple reason of WHO Jesus is. The Lord of lords and King of kings lose a battle? it's entirely ludicrous! And then I love the part about who we are. Called and chosen and faithful. Not because of anything we did or do, not because we're so lovable, amazing, & worthy. But because Jesus called. Jesus chose us. And Jesus makes us faithful. Awesome! Be encouraged in who your Savior is, be encouraged in the fact that He is also our Savior and is in us. He will continue to lead us, direct us, impart His wisdom as we make decisions about which we know you all care deeply. Thank you for trusting the Spirit in us. It's what we need.

Love, Jordan, Katelyn, & Jaycee

2010-07-06T01:06:00.001-05:00

Monday, July 5, 2010 11:26 PM, CDT

We celebrated our 4th anniversary last month. Yay God!

Jordan slept on Thursday night. A request we'd been making for many nights was granted. I came in to check on him later in the morning. He pulled me into his arms and just prayed a prayer of thanksgiving to our merciful Father. He prayed for other things too, but mostly he just held me and told God that he loved Him. I wept; because even though I was in a too-small bed in an unfamiliar room in a cancer hospital in Mexico, I felt like the luckiest girl in the world.

And I don't even believe in luck. I believe in being blessed. And I am so so blessed to have been given a husband willing to be refined by a sanctifying process that is divinely orchestrated and often confusing. That God would place in his heart the desire to lift His name, to thank Him first. To come into His courts with praise. For the small things, which, turns out, are big things.

Right now, Jordan's on the verge of sleep. He's been napping on and off all day. He's slightly out of it because of the morphine that now has the pain under control. He is unable to walk. He can, however, do something resembling a hobble-lurch hybrid. The tumor pressure on his nerve is his biggest complaint. It's not that it's painful, "sharp-or-achy-painful", it's just incredibly uncomfortable. He described it as the feeling of having 40 pounds of dead-weight on his left leg, being unable to feel if his foot is on the ground or not, and as if his whole leg is asleep all of the time, with minimal relief.

We got our MRI results back today. The doctor concurred with the U.S. doctors that the cancer had come back sometime between January and May. The small, but horrible spots that are in his right pelvis, are, in fact that big and horrible word: "metastases." (For those who aren't keeping track, his large tumor is in his left pelvis.) Because of the treatment he has had since June, those spots are now less than half of what they were. Good news. The loss of sensation and ability to walk is blamed on the large tumor sort of flattening and becoming elongated due to the radiation therapy. Good and bad news. The tumor is, essentially being split in two because they are radiating its center. Good news. The half nearest his spine is being pushed into his nerves. Bad news.

We're getting a CT scan of his lungs on Friday.

Obviously, this is a pretty hard time right now. We need a lot of things. Discernment. Hope. Joy. Peace. Patience. Strength. But mostly, we need Jesus. Less of ourselves and more of Jesus.

Before I end, let me try to practice the humbling lesson I learned on Friday: (I wish this didn't feel like such a big sacrifice.)
Thank You, Jehovah for being Who You Are! Thank You for Your provision of faith. Thank You for Your sovereignty and love. Thank You for Your abundant blessings. Thank You for the psalms and for prayer. Thank You for being so much bigger than everything.

And let them sacrifice the sacrifices of thanksgiving, and declare his works with rejoicing. (Psalm 107:22)

2010-06-30T23:06:00.000-05:00

Wednesday, June 30, 2010 6:36 PM, CDT

By God's grace and the help of family we made it safely down to Mexico. I was originally booked for a Sunday flight so I could start getting radiation. 15 minutes before we were supposed to leave for the airport we got a call saying the flight was cancelled. We didn't get on anything for Monday either. The storms made all the Monday flights fill up quickly. We thought a good friend might be able to get us a good deal heading out on Tuesday but that would mean us flying standby. Because of the storms there was no longer room on that flight either. He told us that Milwaukee has a very reasonably one way direct flight to San Diego. We called Katelyn's family to see if someone would be willing to drive us there in the morning to catch an 8:30 flight.

Josh and Hannah were picked for the task. My wonderful father-in-law took several seats out of their big van and put a mattress in there for Katelyn and I to sleep in on the way up. We met them at 3:20 and were on our way to Wisconsin. The bumpy ride caused some discomfort in my back, but I slept pretty well on the 4 hour drive. It sure beat being crammed in a seat on a connecting flight. We made to the airport in great time. We checked in and the lady ended up bumping me up to first class free of charge. What an enormous blessing, thank you Jesus!

We made it to our gate and I got drugged up for the flight. Vicodin plus Morphine still didn't take away the pain I had. The back wasn't as bad, it was the pain radiating down my whole left leg from pressure on a nerve. The flight started off smoothly. I was pretty comfortable, and thought I would be able to get some sleep. Wrongo! I had had a hard time driving to Dr. Schock's office in the week and that was just sitting for 10 minutes. How would a 4 hr flight go? One minute at a time it felt like. Luckily I had enough room to kneel down in front of my seat and put my arms on my seat and get some relief. The people around me probably didn't know what was going on. We finally arrived in San Diego around 11 am. We were picked up and I was able to lay down in the back of the van for some much needed relief.

We crossed the border and headed straight to radiation. By this point my left leg is extremely numb from sitting on that long flight. It had not gotten near that bad at home. Radiation went fine and we came back to the clinic for some more treatment. They gave me some detox and I tried to rest. The back pain has been slowly getting some relief but the sensation in the leg is getting worse. When I try to sleep in any position pressure gets put on the leg and I can't sleep. I probably got about 3 hours of sleep last night. Still far from ideal.

Dr. Rubio talked to us about the previous culture and said that it was mainly dead cells that were causing the inflammation. He said it doesn't help either that you are skinny because you don't have any fat to cushion the swelling. We are planning an MRI for sometime in the next few days to see what we can find. He also is going to call his physical therapist to see if she can help relax my leg and bring me some relief. All I want to do is sleep. No pain med I have taken in the past month has been able to allow that to happen. No number of times during the night spent crying out in pain to God has allowed that to happen.

That has been the hardest part. We know we have so many people praying for us, our friends, families, church families, complete strangers. Katelyn and I cry out to God every night. We put on our spiritual armor. We pray in the name of Jesus, we cast off, we declare death on the cancer cells, we come against anything standing in the way of the healing, and `all we get is a dial tone coming from the other end. That has been so very difficult. I know God has been there and is with me at all times, but during the hardest times I want to be able to feel him the closest.

We know that He has a purpose for all this. We trust and cling to His promises. We know that He will never leave us or forsake us. We know that all power is given to him in heaven and earth, and lo he is with us always. We just don't always feel it. I know someday I will look back and see His hand throughout the whole journey, but for some reason in the midst of the suffering you just don't see it. Jesus endured it. Job felt it. God didn't give him answers, just more questions. Like Job I know that my Redeemer lives, and that is what keeps us going. Through all the tears, sleepless night, pain meds, IVs, flights, everything. He is with us. In Him we live and move and have our being, so I'm not going to give up now. He has a mighty plan and purpose for our lives, and I'm not going to let some disease of the enemy keep my family from doing what we are supposed to do. We have all been purchased with a price, not of something incorruptible, but the precious blood of Jesus. A lamb without blemish. Let us all live knowing that we are His!!!

2010-06-25T01:22:00.000-05:00

Thursday, June 24, 2010 9:05 PM, CDT

Well, it's been a pretty rough past few weeks. Last week I fought fevers on and off. By the fourth night we decided we should probably get it looked at. We drew blood the next morning to check counts and look for infections. The counts came back pretty normal and they never found any growth on the culture. Once the fevers passed the tumor site started to become painful again. The inflammation is causing lots of discomfort, to the point of not being able to sleep again. Apparently my body started to get used to the Vicodin I was taking, and it was no longer as effective at controlling the pain. We hesitated to go back down to Mexico because chemo and radiation can cause swelling. We were very thankful that there were no infections as well.

I went into work on Monday a little bit, but other than that I spend my days trying to catch up on the sleep I lost at night. It is very disheartening. A typical night includes me going to bed at 9, rolling around til about 11. Getting up and either using a heat pad or icing the tumor. Maybe taking a hot bath. Four or 5 times a night crying out to God on the living room floor asking for some relief. Sounds like fun, huh?

Today we went into Dr. Schock to get some more blood drawn so that Rubio can test it and see what he thinks. Schock upped my meds to Vicodin along with time-released Morphine. I had my first tablet today and I am still in lots of pain. My left leg is tingling quite a bit from the inflammation and it makes it hard to sleep.

I try to play with my girls but even that is painful at times. They can't jump and climb on me like they used to. It is very difficult. Thankfully Katelyn has been wonderful at keeping my hopes up, but being in pain for that long is exhausting. We hope to hear good news from the blood culture in Mexico. We will probably get the results back on Monday. We will be getting another MRI in July to see what's going on.

Please pray for supernatural grace, wisdom, and discernment as we battle this ugly disease. I am tired of what it is taking from me. Pray for hope and that God would clearly speak to us and manifest His presence each step of the way. Katelyn had a dream a while back that she was writing my temperature down and fighting fevers. She remembers that it was a big spiritual battle that was going on. Pray for us. We need it. We thank you all for your faithfulness and may God richly bless you in this life and the life to come!

2010-06-15T16:00:00.001-05:00

Tuesday, June 15, 2010 3:54 PM, CDT

We're back!

We had an amazingly refreshing time in San Diego. Pretty sure Jordan's favorite part was the very superior mattress he got to sleep on. Yes, sleep! Praise the Lord! And mine was the highly superior toilet paper. :) It was so good to see my man re-energized. We frequented an organic market & deli, the beach, a few little seaside restaurants, & thoroughly enjoyed reading and relaxing at our hotel. We also were so blessed to go to church and worship and be renewed in the proclamation of the Word!

We arrived home on Thursday night. Arawen was an amazing traveler, our flights were all on-time and our final stop before home was in Goodfield to reunite with Jaycee! She enjoyed her time with both sets of grandparents, but today she queried "Where am I?" when looking through our San Diego pictures. It's so completing to be all together again, and we're thankful to be getting back into a routine.

Jordan's doing ok. He's not bouncing back like I think we both assumed he would. We wanted the quick fix. In this case, the 10-day fix. But, the disease is serious and healing takes time. However, we're more than willing to persevere in helping his body heal!

His energy level is still fairly low, but he's not dragging himself around. He still feels what he calls "sensations" in his tumor site, but the painfulness is nearly nonexistent. He's struggling with some pain in his shoulder muscles, but the blame is on a horribly uncomfortable plane ride, not a mass of multiplying cells. He's also experiencing some fevers, but they break and depart quickly. We're counting our blessings and are so thankful for how much better he is doing!

We've both had scriptures laid on our hearts to give this battle against cancer to the Lord. Jordan shared 2 Chronicles 20 with me yesterday. Great story! Amazing example of how God wins the battles and how non-dependent He is on us! You should read it. Maybe Jordan will feel so moved to expound upon it later.

We're learning to release it to Him and let Jehovah set the ambush for us. Thanks for joining us in the fight, or rather, the surrender. :)

...For the battle is the LORD's, and he will give you into our hands. -David to Goliath (1 Sam 17:47)

2010-06-04T12:47:00.003-05:00

Arawen saying "Cheese!" and playing with her daddy in our hospital room.

We talked with Dr. Rubio at length yesterday after the blood results came back and just wanted to update all of our pray-ers.

The blood cultures did reveal some "abnormal cells." (This means cancer cells- it just doesn't sound as bad.) There is also a significant amount of inflammation and necrosis. Inflammation meaning swelling of body tissue mostly due to the biological warfare of good cells and bad cells. Necrosis meaning death; in Jordan's case a bunch of dead bad cells are still floating around in his body. Thankfully, it's mostly the bad (cancer) cells that are dying!

On the whole, we were greatly encouraged, so Praise Jesus for His divine design of our immune system! Jordan's is still putting up a valiant fight.

Why the pain? Yeah, I'm still struggling with this one. This was the first time Jordan's Mexico followups had been stretched out to 3 months. In order for the healing process to progress smoothly, the body needs a lot help in getting rid of the large amounts of cells that are being attacked and killed by the immune system. Detox. Detox. Detox. His treatment in Mexico includes a lot of detox (chelation, rife therapy, oxygen, etc.) We hit a speed bump. Besides the cleansing vegetable juices we were doing daily, he went the longest his body's been without heavy-duty detoxification. We have already discussed ways we can step up his home detox program which will allow his 'sewer system' to work efficiently and keep us on track to continue lengthening his checkups. Taking into consideration that Jordan's tumor site is uncomfortably close to major nerves, & all of the activity & build up going on right there, his body began protesting.

Although Jordan's pain has drastically decreased since we arrived, his energy and appetite are nearly nonexistent and his body continues to defy sleep. He wrestles with stiffness & his pillow all night. He does sleep, he just doesn't sleep for very long at a time, waking nearly every hour.

In classic Jordanian humor, when asked by another patient how he felt, my husband replied: "Oh... like I need a 6-day nap." Even at his worst, he's tossing out some chuckles. It's so hard to see him sapped of strength and to have his responsiveness chopped in half. But, he really is a champion! Never once have I had to fear he would give up. He has buoyed my spirits and pointed my gaze to eternity more times than I can count, and I'm not even the sick one. He has embraced the promises and actively pursued the good that we know God will bring from this. Last Thursday, after we got the MRI results back, he came home at lunchtime to be with me. One of the first things out of his mouth was something about how God was going to use this in our lives. He has truly surrendered to God's purification process and has become better, not bitter. It's been amazing and humbling to see Jesus so up-close in him. He is my best friend, my lover, and, next to the promise of eternity, my greatest earthly blessing!

In the toilet paper aisle of life, I never would've chosen the scratchy, one-ply, nauseatingly scented Mexican brand with which I've been re-acquainted. Nope, I'm headed for the upper-class end of the aisle; 3-ply, quilted, UNscented, uber soft, practically a disposable egyptian cotton would be lovingly placed in my cart. Give me comfort, and give it to me all day, every day. But I don't get to pick. After all of my coaxing, protesting, and temper tantrums, God re-stocks the toilet paper, not I. He's the one on the throne, knows what's best, knows how much comfort I really can do without. I've slowly taken advantage of the grace to be thankful for the glory-factor of our circumstances. Not what I would've picked, but thankful to illuminate a little bit of His glory. I'm dwelling in a strange paradox: praying the suffering ends and rejoicing at being counted worthy to suffer shame for his name. (Acts 5:41) In the end, when all that really matters is God's magnificent glory, this promise blows my mind:
the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us. (Rom 8:18) Be blessed!

2010-06-02T22:40:00.005-05:00

Pic taken at Texas Roadhouse for Jaycee's 3rd birthday two days before we left.

Well, we made it to Mexico safely. I was in quite a bit of pain for the first flight to Chicago because I wanted to wait for the longer flight to take my medication. When we got to Chicago I popped some Vicodin & that helped a little bit. There was a very nice Indian man that gave up his aisle seat for a middle one so we could have all three seats to ourselves. What a blessing! We were able to lay Arawen down on the floor and then I could stretch out by lying on Katelyn's lap.

Dr. Rubio Jr. looked at my scans and talked with us on Monday afternoon. He believes that the fingers affecting the nerves in my spine which are only about 1cm long could be due to inflammation and necrosis. We will not know for sure if it's new cancer growth 'til tomorrow when my blood cultures come back. I will be getting 6 rounds of radiation and 4 bags. The last 2 days of treatment will be cleansing my body to diminish the side effects of the radiation.

Katelyn and Arawen are doing great. I'm so happy to have them here. It's so fun to watch Arawen lift everyone's spirits. She's learning so many new words and makes us laugh all the time. Katelyn's been there for me every step of the way and she is such a wonderful wife.

Last night we had a special time of laughing, crying, remembering, and joking around. We talked about how amazing it is to have a faithful God through all of this. We talked about being so thankful to have my wife and daughters that mean the world to me. These past couple of weeks, Jaycee would just randomly come up to me and give me kisses on the cheek and lips. Everyday when I get home, I'm bombarded with 2 screaming, running girls. What a welcome! I'm so thankful to have 3 girls that love me so much. I want to take the time to treasure what’s really important in my life. Over 2 years ago I had a brother with the gift of prophecy pray over me. He prophesied that there would be a turning, something that seemed bad, but that God was going to use to bring Himself glory and fulfill His purposes for me. Now that word that he gave is starting to make sense. We strengthened each other with God's promises. Everywhere we go in the Word confirms to us that we are going to get through this. We've been reading through Acts and have been so inspired by the power of the Holy Spirit in that book. I love how Paul is so bold and faithful when he says that no matter what trials will come, he will press through without fear because of the Holy Spirit. We talked about the dream my dad had about my scans coming back clear. This has encouraged me so much because he doesn’t usually remember his dreams. It was great to reflect on the past few years.

We are planning on getting away for the weekend in San Diego. We rented a car and Pricelined a hotel for really cheap. Pray that it will be a good time of relaxing and refreshing.
We thank you for all your prayers. Please pray for good rest. I think it’s been over 2 weeks since I slept through the night. Not sleeping at night affects my energy levels and appetite. I just want to sleep soundly like I used to. Pray that God would grant that request.

Thursday, May 27, 2010 9:47 PM, CDT

2010-05-27T22:39:00.000-05:00

Hello brand new computer & internet provider, you two were out of my life for over a month thanks to two little girls who cooperated together to prove that computers can be banged to death. However, my forced separation from you was truly purging and priority-realigning for me. So, hello again, you are a blessing in moderation.

Hello brand new house that we are so thankful for! The longer I'm here, the more I like you! What a praise of divine intervention and provision.

Hello "How do I fix this and how much does it cost?" mindset. Goodbye "Where's my phone so I can call maintenance?" mindset.

Hello countertop space!

Hello laundry room!

Hello wonderful amazing backyard!

Hello yardwork.

Hello summer! How did we survive without you for so long? What did we do all day inside?? We are all so happy to see you!

Hello cancer, you are most unwelcome in our season of 'new'.

Hello opportunity to glorify God and point others to Jesus. I am trying to rejoice at your appearance.

Jordan began feeling discomfort about two weeks ago. The pain continued to increase, but a couple times at the driving range and a golf tournament on Monday were suspected of having irritated his tumor site. It became so bad, and he was so sleep deprived from painful nights that he went to the doctor yesterday. They were able to get him in for an MRI in the afternoon. He called me this morning letting me know that the doctor had called with the results and the tumor has begun to grow and has two small new nodules that are invading his spine. These are most likely causing the intense pain.

We spoke with our doctors in Mexico. Jordan, Arawen, and myself have plane tickets for Monday, the 31st with a return date of June 10th. The seriousness of this hit home when we were told they wanted us for at least a week. After further details were given and a rough draft of the treatment plan discussed, we decided on a 10-day trip.

We have gratefully received healing prayer and the Truth of God's word spoken into our lives already. However, everybody that reads this knows that I write as a plea for more prayer. I hesitate to give medical details because they can suck the faith out of our prayers if we dwell on them. Please pray believing that God is bigger than a horribly invasive, tenacious, and hateful disease! We believe that He is; we've seen and testify to how much bigger God is than cancer. We will continue to lift up the name of Jehovah-Rapha (The God who Heals) and we will keep all of you updated.
To Him be the glory!

2010-03-28T23:49:00.002-05:00

I selected this photo because it's one of my favorites and lately, I've been reminded of how thankful I am that my girls have a daddy! This is one of his very first daddy-daughter moments ever minutes after Jaycee was born.

We are all doing well! Jordan's followup to Mexico the second week of March came back with good reports. He got his next followup extended; he won't have to returntil June! Wonderful news! Wonderful Lord!

God is abundantly blessing Jordan's work at his new job and we are so thankful to a creative, orchestrative God who does all things well and in perfect timing. We're also still on the house hunt here in Peoria, hoping to get one soon.

The next section of this post is something that was written a while ago. I wrote it the day we got the report from his most recent CAT scan revealing that his lungs were now completely clear. I sat down in awe and thankfulness with my Jesus and about a fourth of the way into my journal entry, the beginnings of thought crept up: I wasn't supposed to keep this private. The Spirit was nudging me to eventually post what was coming from my heart to the page. The delay is due to letting Jordan read it, praying about it, a lot of procrastination, and some insecurities on my part.

Please know that this is a snapshot of a very tender, vulnerable, uninhibited, awe-struck moment with my Father. I'm letting you in on it because I've been given the grace to obey. The scripture is Psalm 63. This is verbatim:

To My Awesome Abba

I have looked upon You in the sanctuary, beholding Your power and glory
-at Bethel when we praised You til we were worn out
-at BethelValpo when Jaycee & I went to the front and danced before You
-at Washington when dad glorified Your name with his full-of-faith sermon
-at Northwoods when You imparted miraculous joy & hope & a vision of how You delight in overturning Satan's plans
-at RockChurch where we praised You in the storm & were fed Your Word
Because Your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise You
Your steadfast love is even better than Jordan's life & I give him to You
So I will bless You as long as I live; in Your name I will lift up my hands
You are giving us boldness in our miraculous story & against-the-grain praise
My soul shall be satisfied as with fat and rich foods, and my mouth will praise You with joyful lips when I rmember you upon my bed and meditate on you in the watches of the night; for You have been my help
So many sleepless nights, Father. Give me a passion to meditate on you with joyful lips!
In the shadow of Your wings I will sing for joy
I am so elated right now & full of delight in You! Thank You for the miraculous test results we got back just now! "TOTAL RESOLUTION" as per the pathologist :) I am in awe of You & overwhelmed with Your lovingkindness, endless grace & incredible outpouring of blessing! I love You Father! Thank You, Thank You, Thank you!
My soul clings to You; Your right hand upholds me
You have taught me this even when it feels like I'm not learning. It truly is all about You. About no one -no thing -no organization -no presumptuous man-made idea -just You! I'm holding on tight.
But those who seek to destroy my life
Satan, his demons, my flesh, cancer
Shall all go down into the depths of the earth!
Yay God! You make us triumph over our enemies!
They shall be given over to the power of the sword; they shall be a portion for jackals!
Oh yeah! Thank You Jesus; this is because of You & Your work of redemption on the cross. Without You, we'd be dead.
But the King shall rejoice in God
David wrote this when he was king. As I re-write this in my journal i say: Katelyn will rejoice in God. Right now, I feel like it. But when I don't, I WILL rejoice in God.
All who swear by Him shall exult, for the mouths of liars will be stopped
like the people that said "incurable, & 6-24 months!" God is truth & right now God is saying: "I still have more for you" HALLELUJAH!
O God, You are my God; earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for You; my flesh faints for You; as in a dry & weary land where there is no water.
This is at the end because after going through verses 2 through 11, You have made verse 1 true for me. You did it, are doing it, & I now believe less in myself & more in You.
You alone I praise & worship & thank & give all the Glory. JESUS! I shout Your name!

2010-02-23T22:59:00.001-06:00

Thursday, February 18, 2010 9:24 PM, CST

Well, it's been a few weeks since we've updated so I thought I would bring things up to date. Katelyn just picked up a copy of the medical reports from my MRI and CT scan. I love reading through the report from the CT scan. There is no pulmonary nodule. There is no infiltrate. There is no pleural effusion. There is no mediastinal adenopathy. There is no pericardial effusion or pleural effusion. Impression: Complete resolution of the nodules in the lungs! I don't really understand most of it, but the last sentence tells me all I need to know.

Before we went down to Mexico the first time we went down to St. Louis to Barnes Jewish Hospital. We met with three specialists and the last one was a cardiothoracic surgeon. When he looked at the cd of my medical records he counted at least 16 spots on each lung. And now, a complete resolution of the nodules in the lungs. What an amazing miracle!

Each time I think about it I just thank God. I command the rest of the cancer in my pelvis to leave my body. God has given us authority and I want to be faithful to what He has given. Jesus told his disciples that it was needful for him to go because he could then send the Holy Spirit. He also said that the same works that He did we shall do, and greater works than these. That is so exciting to me.

Corinthians tells us we are new creatures, ambassadors for Christ, and ministers of reconciliation. Ephesians tells us we are joint heirs with Christ, blessed with all spiritual blessings, and seated in heavenly places with Christ. What an amazing identity and authority he has given us. We are not to trust in man's wisdom, but in the power of God. I am learning that the Holy Spirit was not just sent to convict of our sin, but to quicken us as HE quickened Christ. To guide us into all truth, to help us, to comfort us, to bring all things to remembrance. I want the Holy Spirit to be the ruler of my heart.

A verse I think of often is John 3:8, the wind blows where it wishes, and you hear its sound, but you don't know where it comes from or where it is going. So is every one that is born of the Spirit. A life in the Spirit is unpredictable and exciting. Life in the Spirit is full of joy. If we are attentive to Him he will probably ask us to get out of our comfort zone, but that is where we find God a lot of times. If you want to walk on water, you have to get out of the boat. I pray that we all would get out of the boat and learn to live life in the Spirit.

My new job is going well. I have some great co-workers and the transition has been pretty smooth. I still have a lot to learn but I am so thankful for the opportunity. It's nice only having a 15 minute drive to and from work. Thank you Jesus for the new job.

Katelyn and I have been asked to speak on different occasions. We could use your prayers that God would continue to use our situation to glorify His name and draw people to Himself. Thanks for your prayers.

I am scheduled to go back to Mexico the middle of March for a few days. I have been a little under the weather with a sore throat and a cough, but I think I am through the worst of it. Other than that I have been feeling pretty well. I want to continue to fight what's left in my pelvis so I can be completely cancer-free. Please join me in prayer. May God richly bless all of you for your faithful intercession.

2010-01-29T10:46:00.000-06:00

Friday, January 29, 2010 9:12 AM, CST

Two days ago I was spread out waiting to get my MRI. The same lady that did my last MRI was there to do this follow-up. I thought back to the last time I was in that same room. My pelvis was pulsating in intense pain. It's hard to lay motionless when you are not in pain, nearly impossible when you are in pain. IT took every ounce of my will and the grace of God for me to stay still through it all. The pictures they take take several minutes, and if you move they start over. You want to move to get some sort of relief, but you know that if you do, you will just have to lay there longer.

The machine is pretty loud so they give you headphones so that you can listen to the radio. I wanted to listen to WCIC. I don't know the name of the song that first played but the words were " this is the chorus of the saints, singing aleluia, OUR GOD IS FAITHFUL. That pretty much hit it on the head. I went into the tests hoping for the best and not knowing what to expect. I knew the tumor in my pelvis was shrinking because I could feel it. The lungs is harder to tell. Really the only time I can notice a tight chest is after chemo when the dead cells are being flushed out of the body. So I knew the pelvis was feeling a lot better but wasn't for sure about the lungs.

I got a call yesterday from Dr. Schock saying the MRI results were in. THere were no new spots. The last test showed a radius of 9 cm and now it was 3 cm. He also said that the bone was fusing back together nicely. So the tumor had shrunk by 2/3 in size and was not spreading. I even played basketball twice this week with no pain.

The results from the CT of the lungs hadn't come in yesterday. Dr. Schock called this morning with the results. They couldn't find anything on the scans. No spots, no swollen lymph nodes. Nothing. What an amazing God we serve? He is so faithful. I just bent over where I was and thanked him.

At the start of this new year we as a family just started declaring "all things new." Jesus makes all things new. I mainly starting saying it because Jaycee had bumped her tooth when one of her aunts was playing around with her. The tooth was starting to turn gray and we thought it looked like it was starting to rot. I just started prophesying all things new. When you verbalize something it seems to align your heart to truly believe what you are saying. Now when I say "all things new" Jaycee says "all things new, my tooth." Last night I checked it and her tooth is coming back to life. It is no longer that gray color but is almost as white as her other front tooth. Another amazing miracle.

Through all those declarations God decided to be the one who answers exceeding abundantly and give me a new job as well. Monday I will be starting a job at Plattner Orthopedic in Peoria. I will be working in the back on various things and eventually could help with some of the management. It was an answer to many prayers and I am excited to start. I have enjoyed my years farming and have learned many things over the past few years.

Also, we have been praying about buying a house in the Peoria area. He is continuing to make all things new so we will trust that he will do the same and provide a place we can call our own.

No matter what happens, God is faithful. He makes all things new. Thanks again for your continued prayers. I pray that each of you would trust in an almighty God. He is worthy of all of our praise. We need your continued prayers so that last little bit of tumor in the pelvis will be destroyed and flushed out. May each of you be encouraged to give God your all.

2010-01-26T13:06:00.001-06:00

Arawen's 1-year Birthday. This picture makes me smile.

She went from the huge pink spica cast to a diminutive little leg brace last Friday and is delighting in her liberation! She crawls proficiently, pulls herself up, and even attempts to stand alone.

Jordan goes into Methodist hospital tomorrow at 11:45. He is getting his port wound checked. Then an MRI and a CT scan of his lungs. Since his diagnostic tests back in July, this will be the most comprehensive follow-up tests we've pursued.

I'm dreading the waiting period. Brings back memories.

The "What if?" demons are always poised to strike...

By God's grace, I'm choosing to dwell on Truth.

"I am the Way and the Truth and the Life" -Jesus

Once again, thanks for praying. We will let you know the continuation of our Glory Story!

Please pray for Mark and Carolyn Hoerr. She also has cancer and was with us in Mexico. They are in extreme need of a miracle.

2010-01-13T15:16:00.002-06:00

While lugging my coat-laden girls out of the van, hefting the diaper bag, jostling my keys, heisting everything into one arm so I can shut the van door, side-stepping the ice, and hauling ourselves inside, I had this thought: "I hate winter." But, since I'm trying not to complain, I simply stated out loud into the frosty, sub-zero air: "I love summer!"

The other night I went to sleep thinking of some other things I love. I'm now recommending it as an excellent anti-complaint exercise.

I love that Jordan is back safe from Mexico, his reports all came back well and his energy levels stayed up.

I love that his port removal on Monday went well, and today when he returned to the hospital for a bandage re-dressing, he was told it's healing excellently. I'm also thankful he can continue his treatments intravenously and doesn't need a re-insertion.

I love that Arawen's followup x-rays last week revealed her bone is healing normally and that she gets her bodycast off in just 2 more weeks. She then goes to a full leg brace for another couple weeks. Thanks for all of your prayers.

I love the Body of Christ and knowing that people are praying for us. I now take greater pleasure in lifting others up to the Throne of Grace.

I love how well our baby is handling everything and that just recently, has become fairly proficient in moving her body along on the floor. It's pretty hilarious and when the cast comes off, her arms are going to be bigger than her legs!

I love the way Jaycee crawls in bed with me in the morning and makes me warm her feet up.

I love the way Arawen grabs her blanket and buries her face in it.

I love 'it's-so-good-to-see-you-after-four-long-days' hugs.

I love how Arawen goes crazy when she sees her daddy.

I love that my girls have a healthy daddy to be crazy about! I love our miracle story and the boldness we've been given to proclaim God's power.

I love Roots Photography and Design! I love all of the gorgeous pictures they took, the Christmas card they designed, the prayers they solicited for us on their blog, and the inclusion of my family in the shoot. I love how they glorify God with their incredible talent and how amazingly they work with you. I love looking at our pictures hanging on our walls and thanking God every time. I love the Ebenezer benchmark they are and how we'll always be able to tell our girls about the miracle and generosity behind them. I love Tater and Haley and the huge blessing they are to us! Kiesers- again, thank you from the bottom of our hearts!

I love how our household name for ketchup is "chep-it-uh," underwear "wonder," and pizza "peezzee." I'm not changing this until I have to.

I love the way Arawen wakes up so super happy every single time. It blesses me every single time.

I love having a husband that prays with me as we seek God for direction in our future. I love the confidence that our Father God will direct our steps even though the waiting is hard.

I love this recipe I found. Of course, we use organic ground venison that my hunter-gatherer, bow-hunter husband brings home. :) Try it out! (If you want to tone the spice down- use stewed tomatoes instead of fire roasted.)

I love how Jaycee says hilarious new things every day like, "Mom, it's darking outside."

I love how she throws her hands up and says "Praise Jesus" and "Ha-lay-lu-lee-a!"

I love my newest sibling that we haven't even met yet. Can't wait for July!

I love all of your encouraging comments.

I love Jesus!

We love Him because He first loved us. 1 John 4:19

2010-01-04T11:02:00.004-06:00

Here are our girls on Christmas. (Yes, that is the best one.)

We hope all of you had a blessed holiday season! We were so thankful to get to be with all of our family who were so instrumental and supportive and prayerful in helping us through last year. Contrasted against the dark times we endured, the blessings of sacrificial family and prayerful friends shine bright!

I'm trying to memorize this verse:
Through Him then, let us continually offer up a sacrifice of praise to God, that is, the fruit of lips that give thanks to His name. Heb 13:15.

My sweet husband gave this verse to me last week. It wasn't a subtle hint. It was direct acknowledgement to my complaint that all I had been doing lately was listen to myself whine and complain.

So, trying not to transfer my whine through the keys, I'll commence with our update.

Jordan is feeling well. Even after our diet went from occasionallyy making exceptions to the exception being the rule over the festive feasting season, his energy levels continue to be excellent and his pain level nearly non-existent. But, we're continuing with the gradual process of replacing our cupboards with good-for-you-anticancer foods.

The Monday before Christmas we went to the hospital because Jordan's mediport (the implant used to access his bloodstream with medications) is essentially causing his skin to tear from the inside out. The obvious big concern here is infection, which is why they wanted us to come in right away. The doctor that implanted the port saw us, told us to keep it very, very clean and to come back if the hole gets bigger. He said this isn't a common occurrence, but happens more often in thin people because the layer of fat is almost non-existent so the mediport stretches the skin to the point of tearing. We were in and out in an unexpectedly short amount of time. The poor girls spent over an hour solid in the back of Uncle Josh's car. He was so gracious as to come and get them for the day with the reasoning that the doctor most likely would adjust or remove the port. I called him when we were walking out, he turned around in his driveway, drove them back to our home, and patiently waited for us in the parking lot. After we discovered (the hard way) that our gas gauge is very faulty, pushed our van down War Memorial, and refueled, we were able to relieve him of his charges.

On Christmas day we went to the hospital after Arawen took a tumble onto the tile floor in my parents' kitchen during our Christmas party. After x-rays in the ER confirmed a spiral fracture of the femur (read: broken in 2 pieces), they admitted us for the night. The next day, she was sedated and got all decked out in a bright pink body cast. Why a body cast for just one broken leg? The nature of the break and where it is required both legs to be immobile for the healing to be optimal. Originally, we were told that she'd likely require surgery. We were so thankful to discover that because the fracture didn't enter her growth plate, surgery wasn't necessary. After an exhausting and emotional day, we were finally discharged around 8 p.m. We were in and out in an excruciatingly longer-than-expected amount of time.

The girls fought off a cough at the beginning of December, but Arawen's has stuck around, so a doctor's visit the following Thursday sent us home with a diagnosis of excessive mucous production in her upper respiratory tract. The constant reclining position that her cast places her in is probably aggravating her cough. We were thankful that her lungs are very clear!

Arawen turns 1 tomorrow! We'll celebrate with our families in a cupcake sweater and a huge pair of pink pants.
Jordan leaves for Mexico on Wednesday for his third followup since we've been home.
My parents are generously opening their home to the girls and myself for the remaining of the week. While taking care of in immobile and significantly heavier one-year-old and a very active 2 1/2 year old by myself is probably not entirely impossible, having my family around to help will be extremely helpful in my fast from complaining.

Please pray for the travels to and from Mexico for Jordan. He will hopefully be bringing lab results back to show to the doctors here and pursue getting more scans in the upcoming weeks. Unfortunately, his mediport wound is enlarging. While it's not ideal, we're thinking of just having it removed and continuing his treatments through temporary IVs when he's in Mexico. Pray for wisdom in our decisions about his healthcare. Pray for the next 5 weeks of Arawen being in her cast and for "only-God" healing of her bone.

Thanks for keeping up with us. May the fruit of your lips be continual thankfulness and joyful praise! This is my prayer.

My soul shall be satisfied as with marrow and fatness; and my mouth shall praise thee with joyful lips. Psalm 63:5

Here's sweet little Arawen in her new get-up. She really is being a trooper about the whole thing and has retained her joy and easy-going nature.

2009-11-13T16:51:00.003-06:00

Friday, November 13, 2009 7:52 AM, CST

This picture was taken the day we got back. I posted one of all of us (plus Timmy) taken right before we left. There were tears after that was taken when we had to leave Jaycee. There were tears before this one was taken when we got to hold her in our arms again at the airport. Funny how tears go with happy and sad.

We're all doing well. We're delighting in the Lord and the pain-free, energy-recovering health that Jordan's experiencing! Thanks for all of your prayers during his followup. He is back to being hard at work for his girls during the busy harvest season. The girls and I are slowly adjusting to the pool-less weather. I'm also getting my toes wet with the new diet change and wading through recipes and a plethora of information. Jaycee and I have a new "carrot juice" routine- prepared daily for Jordan's (and our) consumption. We're enjoying it with only tiny little panic attacks at the grocery store when it seems like EVERYTHING has high fructose corn syrup.

I pray for a little boy named Stellan because I read his mom's blog. Stellan has a rare heart condition that makes his heart go into super fast rhythm. This past week he had a heart surgery that went far and beyond what all of his doctors and specialists hoped. Post surgery, they actually tried to make his heart go back into tachycardia by going through his esophagus and sending electrical pulses and guess what, after the doctor "tried very aggressively," Stellan's heart did NOT begin to beat fast. That means he's fixed. It means God heard all those people praying in faith and blew the doctors out of the water with how well their attempt to fix a 10-month-old's heart went. Praise God!!!

But, the day before Stellan's surgery, his heart relapsed into the dangerous rhythm and gave out. He flatlined, lost oxygen to his brain, and had to be electrocuted back to life. They thought he was dying right there on the ER table.

My thoughts while vacuuming yesterday: Why did God have to put his parents through that? Why did they have to go through all of the wrenching emotions of thinking they were going to lose their son? Why did they have to worry about brain damage and his ability to even get through a surgery? Why didn't God heal him right when the prayers started when they found out about his heart condition in the womb? God knew He was going to heal him- why did He have to put his family through that horrible day before they got to the wonderful outcome? It's like God was just flexing His muscles. Like he wanted to show off, to put on display His power by contrasting it against how bad it could be. Is God theatrical, have a flair for drama?

And then I remembered that verse in Isaiah: The LORD will lay bare his holy arm in the sight of all the nations, and all the ends of the earth will see the salvation of our God. Isaiah 52:10
Can't you just see it? That divine sleeve being rolled up revealing the huge, divine arm and the declaration of strength that doesn't even require speech- it's simply seen- by all nations. God does flex His muscles. He does show off. God is God. He gets all the glory and He knows it. He designed it that way.

He's also sovereign.

He's also the Master Teacher and I know that even though Stellan's folks are still reeling from the tidal wave of emotion and the speed with which they're going through it, they're learning things. God is teaching them and has taught them a lot through this trial. Stellan's parents still have questions and are confused, thankful, relieved, jittery, worn out, and are wondering what's next for their family.

It sounds so familiar. What an epiphany I'm having.

I got to be you- all of our amazing blog readers and prayer warriors. I got to sit on the sidelines, look at it objectively, sympathetically, pray for someone that I don't know but care for and with whom I only have a cyberspace relationship. Ok, some of you (a lot of you) have much more than a cyberspace relationship with us, but I enjoy the parallelism.

I am giving God the glory and magnifying His name because a little boy in Boston no longer has to have a permanent central line and receive medication 8 times a day. I am praising Him. I am in awe of Him. Is this how you all feel? I'm so happy for you!

I love this feeling. I love answered prayer. All I can say is "Hallelujah!" and "Praise Jesus!" and "Yay God!"

I don't have to deal with that reeling feeling, the disorienting vertigo, the "what just happened?" sensation. I'm not feeling my way through a labryinth of guilt and confusion for still questioning a Heavenly Father that just did what I was begging Him to do. I'm not shaking off lies from the enemy that God just went "Psych!" and then set us right back down where we were. I'm not being tempted to tiptoe around an omniscient Savior because I don't want Him to notice how little I've progressed and trigger another, more colossal test of faith. I'm not ashamed of my pleas for wanting to know the "why" and the "what now?" I'm not disappointed in myself for having gone through a transforming miracle and seeing the same old ugly inside.

Nope. I'm just praising God and relieved and excited for my brother and sister in Christ. I count it a priviledge to be a part of the prayer task force, the Body, and a wisp of sweet aroma in God's nostrils. I learned a lesson. And it was fairly pain free. Sure, I spent a little emotional energy on this family, but at the end of the teary blog posts, I shut the laptop and went to bed.

It was like I was in Calculus class and then went down the hall to Spanish. I love learning to speak Spanish. I could live in Spanish class. I'll take 20 credit hours of Spanish, please. Math, Science, Social Studies, History? No, thank you. I'm not good at those. Those do not come easily to me. I don't enjoy those subjects. But, at some point, God calls us to learn how to calculate equations and where to put punctuation marks. Before I get lost in an analogy with which I'm not even that familiar, (homeschools don't have halls or classrooms- my Mom learned me at the kitchen table- Thank you Mom, you're the best! please notice that I have not ended any of my sentences with a preposition as of yet), I will digress.

Something else I've been pondering lately; If I really believe God is who He says He is, will the striving to do things in my own strength cease? I believe it will. If I believe that God is Savior and He saved me, -not myself, or the Sunday School teachers, or even the godly parents that brought me up in the knowledge of the Word- not even a sliver of a portion of my salvation credits to anyone else, then the sanctification and the teaching, and the instructing is also all of God's doing. God saves. God sanctifies. Period. I have been trying to rest in the fact that God is Rabboni- Master- Teacher. If God's the Master Teacher and He's got me in Calculus class in the Fall of 2009 -as horrifying and terribly hard as derivatives and integrals are- then God knows thats what I'm supposed to be learning. I also have to believe, that if God is who He says He is- my Father- then He's not wasting breath. He's not getting up in front of the class for no reason. His lessons aren't poorly planned, or timed. They're exactly what His student needs, and if anybody can get His student to learn anything, it's the Master, the Designer, and the Father of that selfsame student. It's indisputable.

So, I am learning. I am sanctified. I am being made holy. I've got to be. If God is who He says He is- and I believe it- there's no way God's plan for me is not working. Even though it feels that way sometimes.

I know whom I have believed, and am persuaded that He is able to keep that which I have committed unto Him against that day. -Me (2 Timothy 1:12)

I will instruct thee and teach thee in the way which thou shalt go: I will guide thee with mine eye. -God (Ps 32:8)

2009-11-13T16:45:00.001-06:00

Thursday, October 29, 2009 12:54 PM, CDT

I can't believe that it has been so long since we updated but I guess time has been flying. Things have been going pretty well. I am getting a lot of my strength and energy back, especially in the last week or two. I have been working 3/4 days and have been doing lots of bowhunting.

Our talk at the high school retreat went well. God really blessed it. It was neat going back through all we had been through and seeing how faithful He was each step of the way. We have learned so much and have seen God's miraculous power through it all.

I got back down here to Mexico on Tuesday afternoon. They did all my detox, gave me some chemo, and did the vaccines. I think they will do chemo each day until I leave. I do not have to go to radiation, though. It has been going pretty well. I have been staying in a hotel the past two nights because the clinic has been full. Tonight there is a room open here so I will get to stay here at the cancer center, and then I come back home tomorrow.

The doctor said my blood levels look really good and when he examined my pelvis he thinks the tumor has gone down in size by 90%. He said to keep doing what I'm doing and come back in a month. If things continue this way he said that I won't have to come down as often which would be great.

It has been neat to come back and see how some of the patients are doing that we met when we were down here. Most are doing really well. It has also been neat to meet the new patients. We have a great time and have lots of laughs together during meal time.

Thanks again for your continued prayers and intercession. Thanks also for all of the support and nice things that have been done on our behalf. Katelyn and I have really been praying that God would reveal to us where He wants to use us. To whom much is given, much is required and we just Him to have His way with us. Pray for wisdom and revelation for us. Please pray for the other patients down here as some of them are in pretty rough shape.

Thank you God for manifesting your goodness and love to us. We are forever grateful and are excited to share what He has done in our lives with others. May we declare His works and the glorious majesty of His kingdom to all those we encounter.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009 7:34 PM, CDT

It's great to be home. Things have been going pretty well and we are so grateful to be back home and be together as a family again. God is continuing to bless us and we are constantly amazed as we look back and see what he has done. At the time when certain things happen you don't always understand, but you can look back and see God's hand each step of the way.

My energy level has come back quite a bit in the past few days. I started back to work on Wednesday and have been working about 3/4 days. I realized that I lost a fair amount of strength in the past 4 weeks but I am trusting that it will come back quickly. Deer archery season also opened last week and I have been thankful to get back out in the stand and spend some more alone time with God. There's nothing like watching the sun rise on those cool October mornings. I haven't gotten one yet but I am excited for some organic venison!

We continue to be overwhelmed by love and support, and we thank God for each one of you. We called down to the cancer center today and it sounds like I will go down for 3 days of treatment the last week of October. I will probably just go down by myself since it is just for a short trip.

On Saturday Katelyn and I are supposed to speak to a group of high school kids about our journey. We would greatly appreciate your prayers. Pray that God would give us boldness and that he would use our experience and testimony to encourage others to trust in an almighty God. Thanks so much for your prayers.

2009-10-01T11:36:00.001-05:00

We made it home safely. The trip was uneventful and exhausting. We were so ready to get back to our little girl! It was overwhelming to get to see her at the airport and hold her again. Their were tears of joy and thankfulness and relief. For the sister's reunion though, there was just giggles. It was the cutest thing ever.

Jordan went back to work yesterday with doctor's orders to not overdo it. Overall, he feels really well, just a little lower energy, some fatigue, and occasionally some slight nausea. We're learning the ropes of his treatment regimen he is supposed to follow at home. I was taught at the hospital how to administer his injections he receives four times a week. He has a pill organizer very full of medications. Mostly, it's natural supplements that build up the immune system and contain cancer-fighting substances.

The recovery from cancer also requires a significant diet change. Much more fresh, raw, and natural. Less meat and dairy. And very limited sugar, processed, and refined. We're easing into it, as it gets a little overwhelming to try to switch abruptly. We keep reminding ourselves that Jordan has much more to live for than the food he's been living off of up til now. Pray for wisdom, perseverance, and creativity as we pursue these changes. We're going to need it.

As far as "getting back to normal" goes, we're not.

I feel all strteched, strung, and wrung out. But at the same time, totally sustained. We're back to the same people, places, and things, but we're different. Inarguably, irrevocably, searingly different. I don't know how all the pices fit back together. I do know that unto whom much is given, of him shall be much required. We've been abundantly blessed, we've had prayers miraculously answered. I get to live my life (albeit fragile & unpredictable) with the love of my life. Jordan gets to train his girls up, teach them all the things he thought, just two months ago, was slipping from his reality. Jaycee and Arawen get to keep their daddy. We are painfully aware of this huge blessing. We prayed for a miracle, knowing that with it would come great responsibility.

I remember the weekend we found out Jordan's cancer was way worse than originally thought. Some dear friends invited us out to their lake on a beautiful summer day. A lady there asked me if I was just looking for some normalcy. I quietly answered in the affirmative. It was the expected answer and I was far from being conversive. But as I stood there swinging Jaycee in the baby swing with my roving thoughts, I knew it wasn't true. I wasn't looking for "normal." After Jesus redeemed me, I had never sought after "normal." The prayers I prayed, the desires I had, the gifts I'd been given, the God I served; all of that was far from normal. I never wanted normal. I wanted Amazing. I wanted Supernatural.

For the last three years of our marriage, Jordan and I have been praying that no matter where God sent us or what we did, He would receive all the glory from our lives. We prayed that with something like going to Mexico in mind. But we prayed it consistently. Maybe it took three years of seeking direction, and wondering what we were supposed to do for us to really mean it. Because, when we got plummeted into the missionfield "Cancer," God's glory remained our desire.

To God be the glory for the remarkable u-turn in Jordan's health. He did this and no one else. Our awesome, all-powerful, un-normal God. He not only worked a miracle in Jordan's body, He purified us, He taught us how to pray, He is still using this in our lives in some very formative ways.
It's Amazing.
It's Supernatural.
It's what I've always wanted.
How ironic.
Actually, maybe the better way to put is how unexpected.

God answered our prayers in an entirely out-of-the-box kind of way. It's not what we would have chosen. Going to a Mexican orphange would have been selected far and above the Mexican hospital. (Again, Mexican orphange or hospital- irony, or divine creativity?) In a way though, it is what we chose. God gets all the glory. And, that's what we wanted when we started our marriage with "extraordinary" in mind.

But what about now? To be real honest, this scattered and stretched feeling isn't all that pleasant. I feel a little lost. I feel like I'm still trying to figure out what happened. Where does fulfilling this huge responsibility come into play? What if I do get "back to normal" and I miss the whole point?

Quite obviously, we're still in need of the Body of Christ and the power of your prayers. We also would ask for prayers for an upcoming high school event at which we've been asked to speak. We've accepted. What we're actually going to say is still in question.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009 6:17 PM, CDT

2009-09-24T13:15:00.002-05:00

What a great God we serve? I am so thankful for all the news we have heard in the last week. God has been faithful through this whole journey. We have never felt alone. He has continued to give us supernatural joy and hope. He has blessed us with amazing friends and family. We also have met some great people down here.

Last week we went to a party at one of the nurse's churches to celebrate Mexico's Independence Day. There was good food and Christian music. It was a lot of fun. We also went to a basketball gameat the stadium in Tijuana with Kiko, the maintenance man down here. It was a blast. We also had two singings at the Cancer Center. We had Mennonites, Amish, and AC's. It was a lot of fun. We sang traditional hymns that most of us know. It was just need to worship with people of different backgrounds but that serve the same great God. It was a good week.

Our weekend was great. We stayed with the Duggers and had an amazing time. We biked around Coronado Island on Saturday afternoon and then went to downtown San Diego for a delicous meal and then for ice cream at Ghirardelli's. Sunday we went to two different church services, went to the beach, and hang out with a couple that Mark and Laura know really well. They were great. We just all sat around and talked about how God is working in our lives.

Now it is back to treatment. My last full week. I have been feeling pretty well overall. I don't have a lot of energy but I haven't had much nausea or other side effects. I got chemo last night and I will get it tonight just as a precaution. I had no side effects from the chemo last night. They just give about 10% of the dosage than in the states. I will keep getting detoxed and my vaccines up until Friday. I also will do radiation until Friday. Friday night we will head to Mark and Laura's and then catch our plane early Saturday morning. They will give me a home program with supplements, vaccines, etc. They said I will need to come back in a month for 2-3 days just for a check up.

We are so excited to get back home. I have been so thankful for all the time I have been able to spend with Katelyn and Arawen, but we miss Jaycee so much. Her vocabulary had been growing so fast and we feel like we missed out on a lot being away from her. We know that it was worth it and it has given us a new perspective to make the most of the time we have with her. Arawen said momma and daddy for the first time last week. She growls a lot and is a climbing machine. Every one loves her down here. She is such a happy baby and lifts the spirits of the staff and the patients. It's has been great to have her down here.

Thanks so much for all of the prayers and emails and cards and finances that you all have blessed us with. We can never thank you enough. I think of what would happen if we all prayed with this same fervency all the time. I believe God has used our situation to stir a lot of different people up and for that we give God all the glory. I talked to someone who was starting to fast with his wife, something they really never did much before. God truly is amazing and so much bigger than our situation, and we just want His name to be magnified.

Please pray that the treatment the rest of the week would do what it was intended to do and that we could make it home safely. To God be the glory great things He has done. We look forward to seeing you all when we get home. God bless.

2009-09-16T17:39:00.003-05:00

We just spoke with Dr. Rubio. Jordan still has cancer. In fact, he thinks that his cancer has been going on for 5 or 6 years. Five or six years of a deadly, bad-cell-producing, body-overtaking disease. But, Thanks be unto God for his unspeakable gift, the cancer in Jordan's body is dying. The mother tumor (in his pelvis) is losing the battle to the disease-fighting cells, and the baby tumors (in his lungs) are consequently being cut off from their life source and dying as well.

It's a little process oncologists like to call REMISSION. Yes, folks, you heard it here:

REMISSION!

Thirty-nine days since the launch of this CaringBridge site and I get to write the word Remission? I am undone and overwhelmed by the love of our Father. We give all Glory to Him who alone is worthy!

There's still an internal wrestling match over numerous questions. But right now, all I can be is grateful and all I can say is "Thank You, Father!"

Thank You for being a miraculous God.

Thank You for giving us Your son.

Thank You for manifesting Your love to us through our brothers and sisters in Christ.

Thank You for being the Master Teacher and purifying and growing us through this.

Thank You Father, for this fire.

Thank You Father, for allowing us to glorify You in some small way.

Thanks for amazing parents.

Thanks for amazing family.

Thanks for two beautiful girls.

Thank You for bringing us together.

We love You. In all our imperfection, we still cling to our Abba and give You praise and thanks.

Miraculously grateful,

Jordan and Katelyn

Friday, September 11, 2009 3:27 PM, CDT

2009-09-12T13:45:00.000-05:00

Hello from Tijuana. Not too much has changed over the past couple days. Things have gone pretty normally. I usually have to take a nap in the afternoons becuase the radiation wears me out a little. Early next week they are going to do a scan of my pelvis to see hopefully that the tumor is completely gone or has shrunk substantially. I am really not in any pain I just get a little nauseous once in a while from the treatments.

Wednesday afternoon I felt good and was even able to get in the pool and swim a few laps. It felt good to get some exercise. Katelyn and I usually go for a walk at night, so that is something we look forward to.

There are some amazing stories of things that take place down here. Yesterday a man left that 19 years ago had been down here with stage 4 cancer. He was healed and now his wife is down here getting treated for cancer. A lady named Karen left the other day who after two weeks was told that her cancer was in remission. A man is down here now that was healed of leukemia. Another lady down here has cancer in her mouth and had so many infections that she had be on a feeding tube. Now she is looking great and each day eats more and more through her mouth. What an awesome God we serve.

Those are just a few stories. It gives us so much hope seeing these survivors come back and hearing their stories. Thanks for all the prayers. Through the power of prayer and the Holy Spirit we trust that we too will be long time survivors.

This weekend my cousin Joanne is coming down and we are going to hang out in San Diego. I get done about noon tomorrow and then we will be able to get out of here. The weekends are so refreshing just to get out and hang out with friends and family. Pray that my energy level reamains high and that I can thoroughly enjoy the weekend.

Continue to pray for my sweet little wife. She has been nothing short of amazing. She has taken such good care of me and I feel so blessed to be married to her. She has a huge heart and loves me more than anyone else ever has. Pray that God would sustain her, bless her thoughts, give her hope, and use her in any way He sees fit down here. Thanks to all and God bless you. I love you, babe!

09-09-09

2009-09-09T14:28:00.002-05:00

We had an amazing past weekend with Mark and Laura (Leman) Duggar! They blessed us in an incredible way by opening their home up to us. We were so refreshed and got some much needed good relaxation and delightful fellowship. This is all of us on Coronado beach.

But onto the update about Jordan. Aunt Marge says "Write!" and I say "Yes, ma'am."

Jordan began IPT therapy last Monday, the day we got here. IPT is low-dose chemo drugs given through an IV along with glucose. The cancer cells are attracted to the sugar and open up, allowing the chemo to be more effective in its demolition. He also started low-dose, localized radiation on Tuesday. The week of chemo and radiation was full of ups and downs and he had several normal- albeit unpleasant- reactions to it. Fatigue, chills, sweats, and slight nausea. The doctor hopes for the first week of chemo that he did to be his last.

This past Monday he started what they call his "vaccine." It literally is a customized vaccine where they inject back into his body his own blood. These disease-fighting blood cells have been isolated and introduced to the de-camoflouged cancer cells so they recognize it. They told him he will start to feel achy because the 'trained' cells that are re-entering his body are going into his bone marrow to get billions and billions of copies made so they can attack the cancer en masse. But that's a good sign- it means his bone marrow is busy.

A normal day for Jordan:

--Before breakfast- get hooked up with chelation. It's basically enzymes and electrolytes designed to flush out the bad stuff while building up his immune system.
--Breakfast.
--After Breakfast- de-tox, rife therapy, magnets, twice a week- foot bath.
--Sometime in the morning- radiation. They get in a van and go somewhere for this - I've never been along. It's called "Radio Terapia de Baja California" and all of the patients receiving radiation take turns getting radiated. It's basically a party.
--More stuff in his IV, and a nap.
--Lunch
--Cabbage- this is placed on his radiation site and is a natural radiation de-toxer. It is boiled and hot and very smelly. It takes 30 minutes.
--Ginger and spice soak. They give us premeasured bags of this spice mixture that we put in the tub and he soaks in it. This also takes 30 minutes.
--Shower.
--Nap, computer, reading, etc.
--Dinner.
--Social time with other patients.
--Vaccine.
--Bed.

It really is a full day for him. Morning 'til evening. He has not reacted adversely to his vaccines yet and loves not being hooked up to something during the night. He sleeps much better that way.

And now for the huge praise: Jordan had lung x-rays taken yesterday and the report shows that the cancer has stopped spreading and the spots are becoming more translucent and smaller. We and the doctors are full of hope! Thank you Jesus! Thank you prayer warriors! We are giving God all the glory.

I will extol thee, my God, O king; and I will bless thy name for ever and ever. Ps. 145:1

Saturday, September 5, 2009 12:33 PM, CDT

2009-09-05T14:14:00.002-05:00

This is one of the last pictures of our family all together, taken when we dropped Jaycee off at my parent's home. Somehow, a straggler got in there.

Let the redeemed of the Lord say so... Ps. 107:2

"How are you doing?"

"Okay."

"How are you really doing?"

Well, since you asked... you now get the long version.

I am blessed. This is a statment that is always true regardless of circumstances. A good one to fall back on when you don't want to be dishonest and the desire to elaborate has long since left you.

I am often in disbelief, or a fog, or a haze of some sort when at times I cannot believe that medical records/reports/bills/statistics/information and the necessity of keeping them straight is now suddenly a large part of my life.

I am sometimes overwhelmed. I am sometimes an emotional train wreck. I am sometimes in denial.

I was on the verge of wallowing in self pity. No, I was wallowing in self pity; I was on the verge of doing it all the time. Until our Father stepped in with his miraculous blessing of joy. And hope. Praise Jesus!

I am not talking about a "I'm plastering a smile on my face because I'm a Christian and Christians are supposed to always be happy" joy. I'm talking about a real joy. Imparted from my Father. It is nothing I'm sustaining, or conjuring up on my own. It's a gift.

A week after the meeting with the doctor, the one that left us with the devastating "terminal" stamp, we had another meeting. A prayer meeting. Prayer meetings are miraculous in and of themselves- For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them. One of our friends who is a pastor at Northwoods Community Church gathered some believers together to pray for us, over us, and with us. It was a Spirit-filled evening. Spirit-filled Christians coming together to the Throne in one accord. We were so blessed. As the time went on, and the believing prayers went up, I began to be excited. I was filled with hope and joy. I caught a vision of how God loves to flip Satan's plans over on him. I realized how, at the time of Satan's greatest triumph, it really was his point of defeat. He worked so hard to see the Son of Man hang on that cross and with Jesus's final breath, he sealed his doom. It was actually God's plan all along to thwart the devils conniving schemes and make his point of 'victory' his undoing by redeeming mankind through the blood of The Lamb. AWESOME! It just makes me want to exalt the LORD, in His own strength: to sing and praise His power. Ps. 21:13. I left rejoicing in the Salvation of the Lord, in the might of His power, in the unsearchable depths of His love. I believe God is using these terrible circumstances to springboard us into the breakthrough and outpouring for which we have been asking Him. I left filled with miraculous joy and hope. I do not use the term 'miraculous' lightly. It sounds cliche, but I mean it sincerely. This is one of the most precious blessings God has provided us with since this all started. No longer does Jordan have the burden of a disease, a fight to fight, a Godly perspective to maintain, Glory to seek, prayers to pray, and a wife to try to make smile. God took care of the last one for us in a supernatural, sustaining, abudant way.

Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us, Unto him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus throughout all ages, world without end. Amen. Eph. 3:20

And that's how I'm doing...since you asked.

2009-09-03T14:03:00.002-05:00

Thanks again for all of the prayers. The further we go we see God perfectly planning and answering them. When we arrived down here we felt a mighty rushing of God's peace that He had sent us down here. That first meeting with Dr. Rubio was so refreshing. Each appointment in the states the reports would get worse with little talk of hope and long life. Dr. Rubio said we would form a team with me, Katelyn, the medical staff, and God. He and his staff has encouraged us to pray often down here. Finally, a doctor realizing where the real healing power comes from.

I thought of the story of the twelve spies. God had told them that the land was already theirs. There were just supposed to go and check it out see what was there. 10 of them got back and said that we are not ably to go up against the people for they are much stronger. I feel like the doctors we have met with in the states have had this same attitude. They feel like there is not much hope. The staff down here seems like they have the Joshua and Caleb spirit. Let us go up at once for we are well able to overtake it.

The staff down here does not diminish the fact that I have a very aggressive cancer. They feel that God has given them wisdom to develop these alternative methods of treatments. Each time we have met with Dr. Rubio and his son they continue to stress the power of prayer and forgetting what the American doctors have told us. They have been really encouraging.

The treatment plan is diet, low dose chemo, radiation, detox, and vaccines. The food here is pretty good and most of it organic. The chemo is low dose so that they can control the side effects. I had some yesterday and I am hooked up right now as I type. For detox they do foot baths and they hook me up to a rife machine that sends out electronic pulses. They also use other methods for cleaning me out that I won't go into detail about. Yesterday they drew blood to test my levels and start prepaing my vaccines. They said all of blood levels looked really well, especially after having that big dose of American chemo. My vaccines will be ready the first part of next week.

I have been feeling pretty well. Yesterday I didn't have much of an appetite. Today it is much better and I feel like my energy level is already increasing. I can sense the prayers and can feel the treatments are already healing. The pain in my back is down to just a sensation once in a while. What an amazing God we serve!

Katelyn said she would post some pictures of my bald head so I will tell you the whole story. The early part of last week I was on my way to work and I ran my fingers through my hair, and more hairs than normal came out. Then I grabbed a clump of about 10 hairs and they came out with ease. I brought my mom's clippers home and had Katelyn give me a buzz. Then I scuffed my head putting my girls into the van and realized that it left about a quarter-sized bald spot. Then I put a hat on and took it off and took several hairs with it. So on Saturday afternoon we finally decided to just shave it all off. It was kind of sad at first but we ended up having a lot of fun with it. We did not know if I would have a good head for it but we found out that its not too bad. She used the clippers with no attachment and then shaved the rest a few times with a razor. It's starting to get tan down in the 85 degree weather and I think it will end up looking pretty good.

Once again, thanks for all the prayers. Pray that each treatment will work the way it is intended and that my body will fight the disease the way it was intended to. We love each one of you and are daily overwhelmed by love and blessings from friends and family.

2009-08-31T21:18:00.002-05:00

Hola from Mexico!

We made it. Arawen was a trooper, and is finally getting to sleep for a period longer than 30 minutes. We've had a consultation, a tour, supper, and his first medications are dripping into his mediport already.

Thanks for praying for safe travels. We're one bag short, but it's being delivered -hopefully. :) Hope seems to be the theme around here and we are trusting in our "God of hope." (Rom. 15:13)

Love to all of our fellow hopefuls- Jordan, Katelyn, and Arawen

P.S. More to follow- including pictures of Jordan's new 'do.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009 2:51 AM, CDT

2009-08-25T04:02:00.002-05:00

We had a wonderful, time in the Ozarks. We were blessed to be Mom and Dad Schroeder's timeshare guest, blessed to be with Jay and Jackie, and blessed to have Kent and Jan's boat to enjoy. Thank you Jesus for vacation! The weather was nice. The place was excellent. The girls were good. The food was amazing. The company was exceptional. It was a blast.

Again, we cannot say thank you enough for all of the prayers you all have prayed, do pray, and will pray for us. It's an eternal gift and a blessing bigger than we realize. So, thanks for lifting us up while we were gone and continuing to be who you are- the Body of Christ.

We are so thankful for all of the prayers, notes of encouragement, material blessings, and hugs (cyberspace and in-real-life) we've received from our brothers and sisters in Christ.To all who prayed for direction and guidance in regards to treatment options- God answered in amazing ways (does He ever do it differently?)

We knew we needed the week to be away, but we also had a lot of praying to do and decisions to make. It took until about Thursday before we stopped pretending nothing was wrong and really buckled down; making phone calls, following different leads we had gotten and calling numbers people had given. On the trip home we spent a lot of time on the phone and God opened a lot of doors, confirmed, and allowed a lot of things to just fall into place. It was like dominoes.

Jordan called me when I was running errands a while back; I think it was the 3rd day after his first gut-wrenching chemo treatment. He told me he was done with chemo. He wasn't bitter, he was just matter-of-fact. I supported.

It's going to take a miracle of God for Jordan to live past 24 months. Does he really want to spend that time throwing up, losing weight, losing hair, and feeling incredibly ill? But are we really okay with not using any of the God-given resources available and not fighting this? I should say I hesitantly supported when he told me he wasn't doing any more chemo. I am not okay with doing nothing. But we aren't doing nothing. We're praying our hearts out; and prayer is huge.

Long story short, and many prayers later- we are traveling to Mexico next Monday for alternative cancer treatment. We're still learning the scientific technicalities but, basically this treatment regimen uses the pre-programmed disease-fighting cells in your blood to create a customized 'cancer vaccine'. They'll change his diet drasticallly, boost his immune system in every way possible, and create a climate in his body best suited for fighting cancer. And he'll still do chemo. But on a much lesser, body-destroying scale. He'll be getting it in doses that are about 10% of what his treatment would be here.

For those of you interested in more information, click here for the website. For those of you who like to look at pictures, click here for pictures of where we will be staying for the next 4 weeks. For those of you who pray, please continue!

2009-08-16T21:25:00.002-05:00

That he would grant you, according to the riches of his glory, to be strengthened with might by his Spirit in the inner man; That Christ may dwell in your hearts by faith; that ye, being rooted and grounded in love, May be able to comprehend with all saints what is the breadth, and length, and depth, and height; And to know the love of Christ, which passeth knowledge, that ye might be filled with all the fulness of God. Eph 3:16-19

We're on vacation! Praise God!

I've been thinking of this prayer in Ephesians that Paul prays for his brothers and sisters in Christ.

We went to the cancer center on Friday to have Jordan's blood drawn to see what his levels looked like and if the medical personnel would give him the go ahead for being gone. The concern was that he would be away during the period of time that cancer patient's blood levels usually dip dangerously. All of the counts were fantastic and his white blood cells were up from last time! His pain level has gone down and his appetite is back. With thankfulness, we're giving God all the glory and thanking our "Aarons" and faithful prayer warriors for lifting us up.

But that doesn't mean you can stop. We need prayers for wisdom and discernment as we seek God about what treatment to pursue and how best to help Jordan's body fight this disease.

We're in the Ozarks so if we don't update for awhile it's because we're relaxing, boating, swimming, having a blast, and thinking about how much our Father loves us.

2009-08-13T22:05:00.000-05:00

Thursday, August 13, 2009 5:33 PM, CDT

First off I just want to say thank you for all the love and support that I have gotten. I am constantly overwhelmed by the number of people lifting my name and my girls up to the throne room. As I opened the various cards today that I received in the mail, I reflected on how much God loves me. He spared no expense when He chose to redeem me. He who gave us His son why would he also not freely give us all things. I have thought often of John 6 since I found out about my situation. Jesus had given a number of "hard sayings" and from that point a number of his "disciples" stopped following him from that point on. Jesus then turns to his disciples and asks them if they too are going to abandon him when times get tough. Peter, never lacking a quick response replied with with the right answer. Lord, to whom would we go?

As I encounter each day and am tempted to complain and be defeated, and give up, I think of what Peter said. Lord, where else could we go. You have the words of eternal life. Never in my life have i relied so much on the promises of God and His love for me. People tell me often how they are thinking and praying for me. I then think of the Father and how his thoughts towards me are innumerable. They are more than the sands of the sea. Ephesians tells us that we are God's masterpiece, his poema, created in Christ Jesus unto good works. No matter what happens I know that God is working this for His glory. That has been the prayer on my heart and Katelyn's heart from the beginning.

I trust that as you visit this site you will be encouraged and your love for the Father will continue to grow. There is no other name under Heaven, whereby we must be saved. He is the way, the truth, and the life. One of Katelyn and I's favorite verses about the Father is Romans 15:13 Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you will abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. I will cling to these exceeding great and precious promises as I seek to glorify his name. Who else could we turn to? I trust that I will be healed and that God will touch lives along the way. Jesus came that we might have life and have it more abundantly. I pray that each one of you will seek for that abundant life and that your joy may be full in Jesus.

2009-08-12T00:54:00.003-05:00

Ninety-seven hours since launch date and the number up by the orange heart reads "2237." That's about 2.6 0.4 visits per minute. (edited with the correct number because I know my dad reads this and he'll notice. my math skills are very fallible.) If this wasn't about my husband with a terminal disease, I'd feel like a celebrity.
It's actually not that accurate. By the time I was done setting this up, adding the first entry, and editing the guestbook, the number was 6. But hey, it errs on the generous side, and if it makes us feel good, I'm not going to complain.

Thank you dearly for all of your entries in the guestbook. We read them all. I especially especially love it when people say they are praying; preferably along with words like "often" and "constantly." I was just advised by a dear friend to be patient with the people that say things, but don't say the right thing. Not everybody will say what I need or want to hear, so I am to be aware, be prepared, and purpose in my heart to handle the situation in a Christ-like manner. I was thankful for the advice. It sounds so easy.

To you, my readers, here are my thoughts on words of encouragement- and please do not let this in any way hinder you from signing the guestbook. As stated, we read them all. We appreciate them all. I'm somewhat of a pragmatist. I also firmly believe in the power of prayer. If I hear that you're thinking of me- that's nice, but if the thought doesn't turn into a petition at the Throne, it doesn't accomplish anything for me. Nonproductive. It doesn't even encourage me. Because the last thing I need is more thoughts about me. I have plenty of those all on my own.

We need prayer. I know this like I know the ache in the back of my heart. And that's the most you can do for us. It might be the least you can do in your mind, but in my mind, it's the most. Spending your valuable time standing in the gap for us and petitioning for a miracle of healing at the feet of our Heavenly Father is an awesome gift. From the bottom of our hearts, Thank you.

I struggled with starting this site. It seemed somewhat sappy and morbid and sad. CaringBridge is for people that are curious about people that are dying. The only people I've heard of associated with CaringBridge are now dead. I had a conversation with my mom when I was wrestling with the idea. Why? Is it because they want to know all the details? Isn't it enough to know that it's horrible and crippling and deadly? Is it because everybody dies, and seeing how someone they know (or kind of know) approaches death is intriguing? We'll all be there someday, so we want to ponder the journey of someone else? Sad events are big news. Everybody likes a good news story. Solomon said it is better to enter the house of mourning than the house of mirth, but I always thought people would choose SixFlags over a funeral any day. Is it cleansing, good for the soul, therapeutic to enter into the grief of another? Maybe it takes our attention off of ourselves. Maybe it helps add perspective to the day-to-day annoyances, irritations, and big decisions that really aren't that critical when the eternity of souls and the realness of pain are a little more forefront in our thinking. I'm probably biased, but when it's someone as young, handsome, strong, and amazing as Jordan, it just makes it that much more tragic. He's 24. He has a young wife and 2 beautiful girls to provide for; he has so much life to live. What is it that makes that orange number leap up every time I check? I don't know. I do know, however, that I used to go to Tyson Aschliman's blog. I'd cry every time, and then I'd pray for him and Leslie and TJ. ...and sometimes I wouldn't.

So, I write. Because if we stay on your minds, we may stay in your prayers. I update not because you need to know, but because we want you to know how to pray. If you care enough to come, you're more likely to care enough to pray. I've surprised myself with how often I've updated already. But that number is so beckoning. If i've got an audience, I've got a piece of your attention, and I just may get a piece of your intercession. I also put the photo in the entry every time because I appreciate the entertainment value of looking at pictures and I'm trying to take advantage of the advertisement factor of putting a picture into your head. More memorable.

It's all very selfish, really. But nobody blames a drowning man for scrambling for the lifejacket.

2009-08-11T12:00:00.003-05:00

Tuesday, August 11, 2009 11:55 AM, CDT

So, I'm not going to lie; "Yesterday was hard" is an understatement.

Nothing they didn't warn us about beforehand happened. Nothing we hadn't heard and nodded our heads to in response. Nothing we didn't 'know' about already became our reality yesterday.

But there's a big difference between 'knowing' - "I understand the context, syntax, and meaning of the sentences being spoken to me" and 'KNOWING' - "I'm spending the seconds and minutes of my day in completely foreign territory- unfriendly, rocky, emotional, watching-my-husband-puke-his-guts-out territory."

My thoughts are pretty jerky. My prayers even more so. Everybody in that treatment room was old. I watched those clear bags hanging from a pole on wheels slowly drip down into those clear tubes that ran down and around and up into Jordan's chest. "There go the rest of our children." "There goes a normal marriage." "There goes all of our happy plans."

And yet, still I hope. As if I can't help it. For the creature was made subject to vanity, not willingly, but by reason of him who hath subjected the same in hope, Because the creature itself also shall be delivered from the bondage of corruption into the glorious liberty of the children of God. Rom. 8:20-21
We are designed to hope. Subjected to it. I hope in the "God of hope." I hope in the God of the Old Testament, win-a-battle-with-just-two-guys God. I hope in the God of the New Testament, "Lazarus, come forth!" God.

I have so many more thoughts. I'm learning a lot. I think.

When Lexi came by with her amazing gift there was a journal included. Jordan and I both decided to write in it through all of this. I have prayed about sharing what goes from our pen to that paper on this site. It scares me, but God asks a lot of his children to do scary things. Joshua comes to mind and I receive God's assurance along with him; "Be strong and of good courage."

This is the first entry. It's Jordan writing. His entries will be in blue. I just decided that right now.

7-25-09 According to my earnest expectation and my hope, that in nothing I shall be ashamed, but that with all boldness, as always, so now also Christ shall be magnified in my body, whether it be by life, or by death. For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain. For I am in a strait betwixt two, having a desire to depart, and to be with Christ, which is far better: Nevertheless to abide in the flesh is more needful for you. And having this confidence I know that I shall abide and continue with you all for your furtherance and joy of faith. Philippians 2:20-21, 23-25. I obviously look forward to heaven but I feel it is more needful for me to be there for my girls. I believe God has a life-long of Kingdom work for me. He has given me the gift of faith and more than anything I desire His name to be glorified- not to me, but to Your name be the glory, whatever the circumstances. I love You Lord and am full of hope.

2009-08-09T08:59:00.001-05:00

July 15- I remember just in time to call Dr. Schock's office in the afternoon to make an appointment for Jordan. They had an opening for the first slot the next morning but I scheduled it for the morning of the 17th because he had forgotten his phone and I couldn't double check with him.

July 16- As soon as the office opens I call to try to get him in for the appointment that morning. We're there within the hour. Blood samples drawn and an MRI scheduled for the 24th.July 20- Dr. S. calls Jordan saying the blood test for rheumatory arthritis came back clear. Methodist calls saying they have a cancellation and we can come in for the last slot that night for the MRI.

July 21- Jordan gets a call in the morning saying that the MRI showed a growth in his back. Biopsy scheduled for the 23rd. My phone isn't working except to text. I get to my neighbor's phone to hear from Jordan. This was hard. Jill came over to give me Jesse's cell for the day and take Jaycee for me. I got out of the house later and just stayed with Jill for the day.

July 23- We find out that the spot is about 4x3x2 inches, it's on the back of his left sacroiliac wing. Biopsy goes well. Dr. Chee took 12 samples; he usually takes 4, making sure we wouldn't have to come back for another biopsy. Jordan reacts to the sedation medication with a fainting spell and vomiting. He's a little out of it also. We're told one of the samples looked like lymphoma. Another one didn't. Good news: lymphoma is very treatable. Lymphoma is cancer. I can't wait to get out of the car and into Jill's so I can cry.

July 24-27. Terrible horrible waiting. I call the doctor's office every day. The fact that I'm annoying does not bother me at all. Dr. Schock finally personally calls my cell phone to assure me that everybody is doing their job as quickly as possible. The tests they're running the laboratory take several steps and a lot of time. He is calling to the lab every day. My cousin Lexi comes over to bring an amazing gift and chat about nothing.

July 28. Call from Dr. S. calls. Preliminary findings: malignant small round cell tumor. It's definitively cancer. What kind? What to do? We don't know. Oncologist appointment scheduled for the 30th.

More horrible waiting.

July 30. Dr. S. calls. They think it's Ewing sarcoma. Oncology appointment. I interrogate the doctor. We don't get to go on vacation. Jordan's mom and my grandma take notes. Nothing is very definitive because he doesn't treat sarcomas. EKG, mediport, and PET scan ordered.July 31. We see the sarcoma specialist at Illinois CancerCare. I am encouraged by her hopefulness and the fact that she won't go ahead with anything until she gets a definitive second opinion fromt he experts at Harvard. She's had a few adult Ewing sarcoma patients in her practice that she's treated. She wants us to go on vacation. An appointment scheduled for the 7th with her nurse practitioner to go over all the results and the treatment plan.

July 31-Aug 2. Will & Lexi, Matt & Kirsten and U.Rick & A. Carol send us on a weekend to the Indiana Dunes. We relax, have fun try not to think, and are super blessed.

Aug 3. EKG

Aug 4. PET scan.

Aug 5. Mediport placed. More blood samples drawn.

Aug 6. Call Illinois CancerCare in the morning for PET scan results. "They don't have anything." But they need Jordan to come in for more bloodwork. Nevermind, they don't need bloodwork but the Dr. wants to see him. He calls to let me know and says I can come, but if it doesn't work don't worry about it. Nevermind, they want me to be there. I keep getting sick to my stomach in waves. Jenny Schick has almost left the pool when I run over to ask her to watch the girls. Everything is fragmented. "We're waiting for the blood results." "They agree with the diagnosis." "PET scan results very abnormal." "Multiple metastases to both lungs." "Stage 4." "Noncurable." "Worse than we thought." "Some patients live 2 years." I can't think right. I can't even walk out of there right. It's all jilty and stiff. We hug in the parking lot but don't really cry. We have to get back to the girls. I only cry after I try calling both my parents on the way home and can't get a hold of them. And then I sob.

Aug 7. Teaching appointment with the CNP about chemotherapy. Scheduled for Monday. It'll take about 5 hours. Next treatment is in 3 weeks in the hospital. It'll take 5 days. We may not get to go on vacation.

2009-08-08T10:25:00.005-05:00

As some of you may or may not know, Jordan has recently been diagnosed with a rare form of cancer known as Ewing sarcoma. I just created a CaringBridge website. I'm updating both the blog and the web page at the same time. Here is my very first entry over at http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/jordanschroeder copied and pasted into our blog:

I can't believe I'm doing this. We actually have a blog. This reminds me of our blog. Just this one is for sick people.

I hope to update this site and our blog simultaneously (thank you copy-and-paste). Some people know of our blog, some don't, some people know of Jordan's illness, some don't.

Selfishly, I'm trying to rally as many prayers as possible because I believe in the power of prayer and we are in need of a miracle.To clarify and make sure that there's no misinformation going around I should start out with a brief timeline of what's been going on with us of late. It shouldn't take that long; after all, it's been less than a month since I called the doctor's office to make an appoint for Jordan per request because his activity level had been decreasing as his pain increased. But it all seems like one very long nightmare and I don't want to right now.

Suffice it to say, it will take a miracle of God if Jordan lives longer than 24 months. So, that's what we're asking people to pray for. We're claiming the promises of the "peace that passes understanding" and the "joy of the Lord as our strength." I'm very willing to forgo feelings of peace, rest, hope, etc. I actually don't want a feeling, I want a miracle.

Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. Phil 4:6

As you lift us to the Throne, let your request on our behalf be for a miracle of healing in Jordan's body. Thank you.

Not Me! -Summer edition

2009-07-06T14:44:00.007-05:00

Wow! It's July 6th! And since the last time I posted many things did not happen that are very noteworthy and also chuckleworthy that I would like to tell you about. But I did not forget all of those things and so I am not trying desperately to remember anything funny from the last 3 months that I can share with you. I am not trying to do this simply because I love the new "Not Me" logo...

I did not get all the way through the check out lane and loaded back into the cart at WalMart with all of my prospective purchases and then realize that my wallet was at home. No, no, no- that was not me- because I might be in denial about how many previous times this has happened.
This does not happen on a semi-regular basis.
I also did not let my child lick peanut butter off of the table knife before, during, and after making PBJs. Sticking even un-sharp knives in children's mouths is not exemplary, therefore I do not do this-
on a regular basis.
My child was not found out on the balcony fully to partially naked riding her scooter, eating her lunch, shooting the squirt gun, or just yelling "HI" to everyone who happnes by. I am a mother who believes in decency and therefore I do not let, endorse, or encourage this behavior-
on a regular basis. No, Not Me!
I am not loving summer simply because it's warm, the pool is close, and the exceedingly delightful discovery that swim diapers can be rinsed, rung out, and reused. I do not pull off, rinse off, ring out, and put back on my delicate-skinned babies chlorine and urine soaked swim diapers!
No, especially not as the usual course of action! Not me.
Finally, I am not totally procrastinating absolutely all of my household chores as I write. This absolutely never happens on a semi-regular, regular, or dare I write-
daily basis. Nope. That is not me! Definitely not.

So, what aren't your habits?

And just for fun- some photo love- nevermind- it is NOT I who can never quite figure out how to upload pics to Blogger without wasting a bunch of time. ARgh! Not Me!

Not Me! Monday

2009-04-13T09:43:00.003-05:00

So, things that did not happen... at all.

We did not ride an elevator as a family, exit the elevator, and then turn around to see the elevator doors already closed & an uncertain wail coming from behind them. At least our younger daughter (in the stroller) made it out.
In the same spirit, I did not walk into a store ahead of Jaycee, begin to grab a cart, and look back just in time to see the automatic doors slam into her bewildered-looking face. At least Arawen was safely in the cart. Also, a 2-year-old's body is enough mass to make automatic swinging doors open back up again. Just so you know. NOT because I would know anything about it.
We did not enter a restaurant, the door did not close behind us, and yep, you guessed it, Jaycee was NOT staring at us through the glass on the other side. Hey, Arawen made it. All 3 of these incidences did not occur within the span of 2 weeks.

I did not only 'let' but invited & prepared the opportunity for my child to 'wash dishes' in the kitchen by herself. I did not have full & complete knowledge that this most certainly would end in a huge wet (but clean) mess. This did not keep her very delightedly occupied for a long time. That was NOT my intent.

While at Panera (this time Jaycee made it into the building), Arawen was not placed on her back on the (very slippery) leather bench we were sitting on. She also did not squirm herself right off said bench onto the floor & under the table. This of course did not happen because she was lying right next to me. She did not cry profusely. When I went to dive after her, my shoulders did not get wedged between the table & the leather bench. I, therefore, did not find myself in a very awkward position, bent over, butt kind of sideways & up, comforting my baby under the table, only able to lift her about 12 inches off the floor. Jordan was not very bewildered at why I couldn't just end all of the embarrassment & surface with my quieted child. He did not eventually have to bend over & under on the opposite side of the table & take her from me. At this point, both of our butts were not facing directly towards everybody else in the restaurant. I did not consciously avoid making any sort of eye contact with all other patrons from then on, because of course, NONE of this happened. Nope. That was not me!

There were other things that I recall not happening... diaperless children...making dessert on the floor...trying very hard to convince myself that crying children go back to sleep on their own...forgetting coats at church.... but all of that cannot be expounded on right now. It is high time to be off the computer, considering that Jaycee did not use her stacking toys (the kind with HOLES in the bottom) as cups...for milk, try to feed her little sister raisins, and Arawen did NOT just puke all over me.

"Not Me" Monday

2009-03-30T11:13:00.004-05:00

For all of those who are about to read this post- before you do, please pray for MckMama's baby Stellan. His 5-month old heart is failing.

Monday! This is becoming my favorite day of the week. I get to remind myself of what a good mom I am & revel in this upcoming week that hasn't yet been harried, dirtied, disheveled, clumsied, or generally lived in. Yet. On the other hand, LAST week, well, that week got lived in & many things did not happen.

I did not call my brother and ask him where he was only to hear my husband's voice telling me he was right next to me. That was not me.

My daughter did not wake up in the 8:30-9 a.m. range every single day this week except the morning after I had irresponsibly stayed up 'til midnight. I did NOT drag myself out of bed, put a bowl of grapes & a granola bar in the living room & then go back to bed. Um, yeah, whoever that groggy-eyed zombie was, it certainly wasn't me!

Throughout the week, my nearly-two-year-old-rapidly-vocabulary-expanding daughter did not refer to me as "Babe." She did protest impatiently "Babe! Babe!" when I wasn't paying attention to her (which never happens). She did not call expectantly to me from the bathroom when she was done "BA-ABE!" I did not find myself yelling back: "I AM YOUR MOM! YOU CAN CALL ME 'MOMMY'!"

I did not throw all of the couch cusions onto the floor for an indoor jungle gym for Jaycee to play on. Jaycee was not half dressed. It was not super fun & I did not take a video of it. While videoing, I did not ask her what was on her bottom because I wanted her to talk about 'wonder' (underwear). She did not proceed to go through the rest of her bathroom vocabulary & I was not trying to keep my heaving laughter quiet so it wouldn't ruin the video.

I did not find myself explaining to my husband the difference between 'clean' & neat' when he came home from work one day & the house was a wreck but all of my carpet & furniture (including the cushions laid out on the floor) had been cleaned with a carpet cleaner. I am not very grateful to my good friend Jackie for letting me borrow it. After 3 days of going over every room in our apartment, I do not hope to be a proud owner of that thing one day! It also did not do wonders to a certain ketchup stain that did NOT happen.

I positively, absolutely did not become so engrossed in a radio program & my task of slicing oranges that I failed to notice my daughter trying to crawl up the front her highchair. She had not already placed her bowl of scrambled eggs & ketchup on the tray. The result was NOT a crying child with a highchair on top of her in the middle of a huge eggs & ketchup mess. I was not just 3 feet away! AND, I did NOT proceed to scrape up the eggs & put them back in Jaycee's bowl! AND I did not take pictures while she tearfully explained to me "faaaall." And there is most certainly NOT incriminating evidence against me!

We did not get to go see 2 babies yesterday. I did not forget to bring fresh batteries. Who does that when there are adorable, beautiful, gorgeous brand new babies to photograph? Not me! I did not have to take pictures with my phone and/or borrow some batteries so I could capture these awesome shots. I am NOT super excited to feature on my blog:

Adelai Aever Guingrich

(She & Arawen are 3 months apart & they are already best friends. They don't have a choice because I am NOT the kind of mom that picks her children's friends for them.)

The other amazing miracle we went to see AND I am not an incredibly proud aunt to is:

Jonah Ray Getz
I am NOT biased & I do not love this picture. This is not Arawen's favorite cousin because I am also not the kind of mom that chooses favorite cousins for her children. There also is NO reason that the babies featured here are photographed with my children. I do NOT think that a picture of a baby is awesome, but a picture of a baby & one of my children pretty much doubles the cuteness. I am NOT proud like that, and as said before, I am not biased. There is also no reason that only Jordan's arms made it into these photographs. That was NOT on purpose.

2009-03-23T12:58:00.002-05:00

MckMama, the originator of "Not Me!" Monday has a very sick baby in the hospital right now with a racing heart beat. You don't have to go over there & read her blog, just say a quick prayer lifting baby Stellan & his family up to a God who heals.

Feel free to enjoy the "Not Me!" below & have a blessed week.

Not Me! Monday

2009-03-23T12:01:00.004-05:00

Ahh... Monday! I just love this brand new hassel-free week looming before me. Last week, on the other hand, the one I've already lived through, yeah that one... that one had a lot of things that did not happen in it. (But, I am in good company.)

First & foremost; at this present moment, I do not have an open wound on the inside of my lip. It most certainly did not come from leaving the toothbrush in my mouth while reaching up to do my hair which led to my hand shanking the toothbrush into my lip which got a hole in it from my very sharp tooth. Secondly, I absolutely do not have an identical open wound right next to the other one! I did not inflict this wound upon myself in THE EXACT SAME MANNER! This FOR SURE did not happen THE VERY NEXT DAY! This did NOT happen because I would not tell such humiliating stories on my very own blog. Nope. Not me!

While at Cold Stone buying a gift card, I did not ask the check out lady for a gummy bear for my daughter because there was a tub of them right next to the register. I also did not make sure I asked her for this tiny piece of free merchandise AFTER I had already paid and had my credit card safely back in my wallet just so she wouldn't try to charge me. Who thinks of that!? Not me! I was not very confused when she walked all the way down the counter to the OTHER tub of gummy bears & came back with an ice cream dish mounded with those tiny pieces of free merchandise. I also most certainly did not thank her profusely & hand all of them to Jaycee. Jaycee did not devour all of the gummy bears that I did not feed her in her carseat (minus 3 which she did not sweetly hand up to me) in about 5 minutes.

I did not get stopped in the parking lot of the grocery store by a nice man wondering if I was Katelyn Schroeder because he had just given the service desk a credit card with that name on it. No. Not me!
I did not lock the keys in my car after church on Wednesday night. No way. Not me!
I did not get all loaded up & over to Sam's Club with the express purpose of printing out pictures there & discover that the CD of prints was still in my computer. It also did not follow that my recently retrieved CD did not work & we came home from 2 trips to Sam's utterly defeated. Nope. Not me!

I did not put too-small shoes on my child knowing full well that her heels were already red from them just to keep her happy. That would be giving in to the demands of a toddler & I do not do that. No, no, definitely not me! The next time we went out, I did not put too-large shoes on my child knowing full well that she might have a little harder time walking in them. I also did not laugh out loud at her when she had to stop & stand with her legs wobbling back & forth while her toes were in, but her heels were out. The look on her face was not absolutely hilarious & the way she confusedly looked up at me and said "shoes? shoes?" did not make me about lose it. That would be laughing at my child's struggles & I do not do that. Absolutely Not Me!

So, what did you NOT do last week?

Profoundly Seth

2009-03-21T09:10:00.002-05:00

Profoundly Seth is one of the blogs I stalk. It really has touched me & spoken into my life as a mom in a lot of ways. This amazing Christ-centered family is raising money for their deaf son's surgery to receive cochlear implants via an organization called "Rhyan's Hope" so that he will be able to hear. They are also raising money for an organization called "Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep" which offers captured memories to families whose newborns die. Their son before Seth died tragically right before he was born for reasons still unknown. Their fundraiser is called "Profound Pictures" because they will also be giving away a camera package. The day it ends would have been his second birthday. I would like to use up a tiny little space on my blog (not read my many, I know, but still) to get the word out about this family.

Have a great day everybody, I may be back for another "Not Me! Monday"

Not Me Monday

2009-03-16T07:02:00.005-05:00

This is a blog carnival I am participating in because it's fun. Here, on Mondays we get to divulge all of the things we did not do in the past week. We rejoice in our clean slate & the brand new mistake-less week ahead of us & get to entertain our blog readers. Head on over to MckMama's site for some more UNconfessions.

I did not spend an inordinate amount of time last week looking for Arawen's one and only pacifier. I am not a one-pacifier mom because my child's attachment to that little plug is growing & I would not risk the hours of distress this could cause her if I happened to not be able to find it. I did not, knowing full well the growing attachment, totally procrastinate going to Target & buying more. Target is definitely NOT just 2 miles from my house.

I did not let Jaycee get into 3 decks of cards at once. Our floor was not covered in playing cards after she was done. This most certainly did not happen almost every day this past week with my full knowledge. It also is NOT happening right now, as I type my "Not Me Monday."

I did not get out to run errands with my 2 girls in tow for the first time since Arawen was born. Arawen is definitely not 10 weeks old today. The errands I ran did NOT take me all day and I did NOT forget to bring A's one-and-only pacifier! I did not feed Jaycee solely granola bars and a free cookie from Schnucks for lunch that day. Jaycee did not drop said cookie on the ground. While we were getting everything together, out of the van, and into a cart, a fellow shopper did not sit in the parking lot waiting for us to get out of the adjacent parking space. I did NOT stand there & wait for her to park, watching to make sure she didn't run over the cookie. I also most certainly did NOT wait for her to get out & walk into the store, look surreptitiously around, & proceed to quickly pick up the cookie, blow it off & give it back to Jaycee!!! THAT would be gross.

At our last stop to Target, I did not discover that, although visiting public restrooms is one of J's favorite things to do, she had pooped her pants. I did not, after like a second of deliberation, decide she could live with it. We did NOT spend our whole Target trip with a putrid aroma hanging over us. THAT also would be gross.

While giving Jaycee a bath, I did not leave her there to play with the bathroom door open so I could still hear her. After playing for a little bit, my child did not get herself out of the tub & walk up to me dripping wet with blood pouring from her finger. When I ran over and asked what had happened, she did not stare at me sweetly & repeat perfectly, "Happen." I did NOT discover to my horror that I had left my razor within her reach!! I absolutely, positively did NOT promptly receive the "Worst Mom of the Year" award!!! Jaycee did not walk around proudly displaying her bandaid without so much as a whimper. I am not kind of afraid at how hard we are going to have to discipline a child with such a high pain tolerance.

Well, this has not been super fun, & maybe even slightly therapeutic for me. I did not read over this and laugh really hard. I also did not update my blog last week just so I could do this today. I am not done already.

My annual post :)

2009-03-13T21:09:00.014-05:00

Ok, playing 8-month catch-up: After we announced that we were having a second baby like this:

(Look close, it says "BIG SISTER.")

at Jaycee & Timmy's first birthday party,

we went on vacation to beautiful California.
At the end of the trip, our daughter ended up in the ditch of "Scenic Route 1" along the Pacific coast. Yeah, we'll probably always call it "Carsick Route 1." If I ever lack for post inspiration I'll tell this story. It's a good one.
In August Jaycee had her surgery: she recovered like a champ and we give God all the glory for her big belly! :) She gained 7 pounds in 4 months and is now in the 60th percentile for weight instead of not even being on the charts! Praise God!
Jaycee learned to drive a big rig with her daddy this fall.

We dressed up as Whos from Dr. Seuss for Halloween.

Then we went & helped Jordan celebrate his huge kill! Jaycee warmed up to him pretty fast. Good thing, because his head now graces our living room wall. (the deer's, not Jordan's)

After she touched him,

she clapped for herself. We're really into cheering yourself on in this family.

All THREE of us girls continued to grow...

Then Christmas came around... it didn't take long for Jaycee to catch on to the whole tearing off the paper as fast as you can thing.

Eleven days later Arawen Joy Schroeder was born. January 5, 2009. Thank You Jesus for our second healthy little girl! Welcome to the world, baby girl. You are loved!

This is the very first picture of Arawen ever... very very cropped.

She weighed 7 lb. 12 oz. (as you can see)So happy to have her out!

Grandma T. enjoying her minutes old granddaughter.

Jaycee & Arawen meet. You better get used to each other, girlies!Now, we're a family of 4! I can hardly believe it.

As you can see, this is a very general overview of the last 8 months. We did other things in between. But we spent a LOT of time here

and here!

!Surprise!

2008-05-31T19:00:00.001-05:00

Coming soon in January '09, another little Schro baby.

Jaycee is a big sister! kind of.

Jaycee is most excited about not being the only one that gets called random things, and having someone she can tell what to do, also known as bossing, also know as- being a big sister :)
Jordan and Katelyn are most excited about welcoming another brand new baby into our home to love, smother with kisses, and bring up for the glory of God.

"Crinkler"

2008-05-28T17:49:00.000-05:00

"Come here, Crinkler, time to get you cleaned up."

While this may seem like an odd phrase, it is frequently heard in our household. Yes, our daughter has incurred several nicknames during her short lifetime, one of the first and more appropriately dubbed being 'Crinkler'. This began way back when she was a newborn and while I would nurse her and read my Bible, she'd habitually reach back with her hand and methodically squeeze and unsqueeze the pages. Jordan recognized the trait and said, "Jaycee, you're just a Crinkler." She's been 'Crinkler' ever since. She literally has to be messing around with something all the time, if she happens to be found toyless in her carseat (inevitably because she 'crinkled' them all onto the floor), she crinkles her sun shade, her buckle, her headband, her shirt, or if all else fails, she can often be found twining her fingers in and out and slapping her hands together. It's chronic. When we put her in bed, accompanied with disappointed cries, even though she's so tired, she comforts herself by immediately reaching for the nearest blanket or toy and crinkles it. Her favorite, though is anything satin- she just rubs her hands up and down forlornly on the smoothness of her blanket until she falls asleep. It's cute, but it always causes me a little introspection as I watch this in my daughter. I here confess that my daughter gets it honestly from her mother;
I am a Crinkler.
While I don't bear the nickname, I fit into the category and now realize that my lifetime of rolling the sheets and rubbing them on my face when in bed, and jingling the keys, and shaking my leg whenever sitting, and countless other unconscious habits have been passed on to my daughter.

So, Crinkler she is, and while the nickname may not stick (I'm imagining a teenager loudly protesting at the ludicrousness of "Crinkler, time to eat"); she'll always remain a Crinkler, heretofore destined to worry her friends into slapping her legs still in church, annoy her husband as he's forced to hold conversations in the car over the sound of jangling keys, and pass on the genetic trait to her children.

But on to Jaycee's other nicknames: Crinkler goes pretty far back but not as far back as 'Sennacherib'. Yep, folks, I'm married to a chronic can't-call-anything-or-anyone-by-the-right-name man of my dreams. She (although we didn't know the gender yet) was dubbed Sennacherib in my womb by her affectionate father. He also tossed around the name 'option' of Kadesh Barnea, which is a desert near ancient Palestine. This is what happens when your husband is reading through the Old Testament during your pregnancy. While 'Sennacherib' can be heard on rare occasions in our household, Kadesh seems to hold its own. Just last night before picking her up I heard: "C'mere Kadesh". Now, I'm not at all opposed to nicknames and have come up with some for our daughter on my own, one of the first being "Beso", the spanish word for 'kiss'. But I think that sprung from "Jaycee Baycee", or just "Baycee" which got shortened to 'Beso', and is appropriate b/c she gets smothered in kisses and now knows how to give them back. Shortly after I began calling her 'Jaycee Baycee', Jordan piped in with 'Spacey Jaycee' which I immediately squelched b/c it sounds kind of mean. See, we do have some limits on this obsessive nicknaming. As her personality and life progressed, she continued to accumulate nicknames. Currently these are the most frequent:

Jayce- we knew this would probably happen and discussed it when choosing her name. We like it though and I think it's especially cute when her young aunts and uncles call her this

Jaycer

Jaycercise- this started the day after our sister-in-law was telling us about her Jazzercise workouts, classic, I know

Gucci

Schnikey or Schnikeys

Baby- b/c of the lack of originality or weirdnes, you guessed it, I call her this most frequently

Louise- when she's in trouble usually, and often used as a pseudo-middle name. I even sway to this usage; one time correcting her in front of our friends when she threw food off her tray saying "Jaycee Louise" in that parental tone of 'you're in trouble'. Jordan thoroughly endorses this usage saying, "We don't need to ruin her middle name by just using it when she's in trouble." her middle name is most obviously too precious to stain it with a disapproving tone. her middle name is Jordan

Girly- her A. KaraLea and U. David call her this the most, and she is pretty girly

Gumba- read "goom-bah"

Little Buddy- only used by her father, actually most of these are, but I never call her this, b/c in my family "Dolly" was for the girls and "Buddy" for the boys, especially my brother Caleb, whose widely used nickname is 'Buddy'. it sounds a bit masculine to me.

Dolly- that being said, I do call her this often

Dolly Llama- this nickname was born shortly after the Tibetan leader (correctly spelled Dalai Lama) was all over the news, and yes, it came from me, but I'm proud of that b/c the large percentage comes from Jordan

Diva- she only gets called this when she's sporting the 'my way or the highway' attitude, which thankfully isn't very often

Loco Grande- while it is Spanish, I did not dub her this, it was you-know-who

Goofball

Fish - usually accompanied with the article "a". "You're a fish" is often heard when she eats a lot. why? I don't know, go ask the nickname master.

Princess- but of course :)

Gucci has actually started looking at us weird when we call her 'Jaycee'. It's like she doesn't know what to do with it. She's so used to being called anything but... I don't even think she knows it's her real name.

No, I'm kidding, but truly, with all those other wonderful options, it's a wonder the word "Jaycee" ever gets spoken in our house. We don't need anymore over here, in fact the things Jordan and I get called is a subject for an altogether separate post, but feel free to tell me the nicknames that can be heard in your home. (G version, of course)

Mother's Day, crawling, and pianos

2008-05-12T08:15:00.000-05:00

I had an awesome Mother's Day! A really great Mother's Day, my first; well not really, but my first with a child outside of my womb. We spent Sat. night at my parent's, so we got to be with Mom T. in the morning, and during church. There was a wedding in Washington, which I always love going to b/c it brings back all those happy thoughts and memories, and just makes us rejoice for the blessing of our marriage. Later we spent the afternoon and evening with Mom S., and the whole Schroeder family, had a nice time relaxing and playing with all the kiddos. What a happy day, God is so good to us!
For my gifts, Jordan and Jaycee went shopping together on Fri. night and gave me a Beth Moore Bible study, sunglasses and these gorgeous flip-flops- they did a phenomenal job. But more than that, I'm just overwhelmed at his blessings, the love of my husband and baby, and how much I just love being a mom.
Well, for an update on Jaycee, we're going in for weight checks every other week and this last time, she had gained 12 oz. in two weeks! Praising Jesus for miracles always! She's just a busy little girl, her crawling skills are improving daily, she's so proud of the fact that she can go into the bathroom, open the cupboard where my hairspray and makeup is, get into all of that and make a royal mess. She loves it. Her latest skill though, is playing the piano, yes, she's a genius, not quite pounding out Bach or Mozart, but we're working on it. The other night, I was in the kitchen making supper and the whole time, she sat on that bench and just plunked and pushed buttons happily, I wasn't too worried about her falling off, b/c I was right there keeping an eye on her, and every time she got close to the edge, she'd just re-center herself. Actually, this is the trick I'm most amazed at, she has a pretty good sense of balance, and can adjust herself if she feels her body start to go forward. Her personality is blooming, and it's so fun getting to know her for herself, and training her to listen to our voices, and hear her little voice tell us what she thinks, I love all of her ins and outs, discovering her likes, dislikes, strengths and weaknesses, she's such a part of us, but in the same breath, such an individual masterpiece of God's. I've been reveling in His glorious design and plan for all of us, and being so humbled at getting a glipse of His Father heart through being a mom.
So- to all of you mothers: Happy Mother's Day! May you be strengthened and blessed as you raise the most precious commodities on the planet; and thanks for all you do, and all you are!

All glory to God

2008-04-28T10:51:00.001-05:00

So- I knew I'd be back with more grace miracles and an update on Jaycee's weight and breathing difficulties we're going through, and here I am. We had a weight check and doctor's appt. last Thurs. and, Praise God- she had gained 8 ounces, which is an answer to prayer and so reassuring. Thank you Jesus!

We're scheduled to see a pediatric EarNoseThroat doctor next month b/c she still has difficulty breathing through her nose and has very enlarged tonsils. I feel like my daughter eats all the time, my Mom has testified that she far out-eats Timothy, and my sister in law Jill (mother of 3, 1 in utero) has also told me that none of her kids has ever eaten like my petite, delicately featured, tiny little girl. She's just ravenous and proof that looks are deceiving. Also proof that kids with a higher resting metabolic rate than most need to eat a lot, so we're just feeding her as much as she wants. And all the time. But I'm fine with that, she's listening to her body, and we're listening to her, and we're still praying over her and trusting. She has a very limitless Father.

So, for your entertainment, here she is, doing what she loves best with Timmy, and yes she did eat more of the delicious orange stuff than he did, and isn't my 3-yr-old helper just so.... helpful:)

Blessings to all- Katelyn

Where is God when it hurts?

2008-04-17T07:25:00.001-05:00

We just heard a sermon on Job. It was riveting, to the point, and it didn't answer the problem-of-evil questions in my mind. But it didn't claim to, in fact, he said that God made it that way- unfathomable and confusing to our finite minds, in part because He loves it when we come to him with our wrestling, our out-pourings, and yes, God's big enough to handle our "why God?" questions. (Just be careful of demanding His answers; you don't want to be in the position of receiving a terrifying, four-chapter lecture from the Almighty. Job 38-41)

One of the things we have always, always prayed for in our children was good health, from before she was born, we've entreated God for a healthy baby. Jaycee had a follow-up appointment at her doctor's last week and she was weighed (naked) three times on two different scales because they thought for sure there was some mistake. She had lost 10 ounces over the past 6 weeks. She is now not even on those stupid growth curve/percentile charts. Going from the 70th to the 30th, I kept thinking- it's normal to not be 'normal'. What's normal anyways? how can they expect my child to be at the 50th mark when only half of the other kids in the world are? I'm not going to let some un-individualized curved pink line stress me out. But when we didn't even make it on that curved pink line, I experienced several emotions, somewhat unfamiliar to me as a new mom and none of them allowed me to think 'it'll be okay'. This is not okay. I recalled all the times others had picked her up and commented on how light she was, of how even Jordan and I had noticed, and how her jeans were fitting a little loosely. Her follow-up was for her respiratory problems- she has difficulty breathing through her nose, and it's only seemed to get worse recently. She had been on an antihistamine to clear up any problems in case of allergies, but had 'failed' it. She also has super-enlarged tonsils and fluid behind her ear drums which makes her pediatrician think that she may have problems with her adenoid and thyroid glands. We got referred to an ear/nose/throat specialist in Peoria and are currently waiting to get in. She also got switched to another antihistamine just to cover all the bases before we go see the specialist. She will go in for a weight check next week and if she hasn't gained will go to the children's hospital for a blood work-up to check for blood complications. Your prayers are welcome.

Also, with my grandpa just being diagnosed with a disease that is both debilitating and fatal, (see my cousin's blog http://kirstenhany.blogspot.com for details) the pain in our family is fresh. He hasn't been feeling well for quite some time and now it looks like he may not have too much longer to be here with us. It's just painful! full of pain. it's hard to watch my family respond in their pain, it's difficult to see him wan and tired and unable to get up. Again, thanks for your prayers.

I don't know the "Why does God do what He does?" but I do know that God is.

Matt 28:20 "and lo, I am with you always." -Jesus

So where is God when it hurts? He's here. listening to our heart cries. And through all the bad news, and 'could-be's and 'what-if's, He shows up- more than that, He delights in showing up! In the sermon it was made clear that the problem is with my perspective, the illustration was given of a stage, where everything that was going on was visible, and then there's another stage, up on the roof of the church, nobody can see what's going on up there- but it's there- the divine drama. And what's going on up there is directly affecting the stage down where we can see. So my perspective is warped, it's incomplete and myopic and limited. Therefore I can't know the 'why's and 'why not's. But I do see the rays of awesome intervention and goodness and blessing coming down from that heavenly stage. The "Praise Gods", which are everywhere once I get my self-pity glasses off.
Praise God that Jaycee has wonderful brain development and is learning to walk. Praise God for financial provision and the peace He's giving Jordan and I through everything. Praise God for the life-change in Papa and the hope he now has for his "new beginning". Praise God for Papa's great-grandson who is growing in Kirsten's womb. Praise God for the break through in stem cell transplantation and the bankable cord blood of this baby that could help his great-grandpa be cured. Praise God for the daily answers to prayers in all the little things. Praise God for the throne of grace where we can run to in time of need for grace and mercy. (Heb 4:16) Praise God for His listening ear and His sovereignty and His goodness!

May we all pray for the faith of Job who, after being dealt the unfathomable blow of everything he owned and all his children being taken from him...

"Then Job arose, and rent his mantle, and shaved his head, and fell down upon the ground, and worshipped, and said 'Naked came I out of my mother's womb, and naked shall I return: the Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord'" Job 1:20-21

P.S. I look forward to posting more answers to prayer!

Entering 'Bloggerdom'

2008-04-09T11:03:00.000-05:00

Jordan & Katelyn Schroeder with Jaycee Jordan. Welcome, we hope this attempt at 'blogging' testifies to our awesome God's provision, blessing and leading in our lives. Jesus Christ is who we owe our lives, our eternity, our forgiveness and continued grace to. It is our desire that everything in our lives, even our new blog, glorifies our Savior.

We've had this blog -although it might not have fully qualified- since it basically consisted of a layout and username, since December of last year, but, here we go- beginning our blogger journey as we let our friends and family and the greater internet public know about our lives. The convenient sharing and, -let me use the correct 'bloggese' here- the convenient posting and viewing are attractive and the ability to publish thoughts and prayer requests and other things that those who love us may want to know and can view on their own time and according to their interests, has led us to descend into bloggerdom and see what happens.

Well, to start off, I will just tell you that a lot of these posts will consist of telling you exactly what, how and when Jaycee has done anything of even the slightest interest and maybe come with corresponding pictures. What can I say? We're new parents, and she just lights up our days! I could go on about how unbiased this opinion is and how naturally everybody shares it, therefore we're doing the world a favor by minuscule updates on our little angel, but somehow, I remember others telling us that these are there own exact feelings of their little ones. So, while the temptation to slip into 'personal fable' is much greater after having been blessed with a beautiful baby, I'll refrain and simply condition all future posts with the understanding that we really believe Jaycee is the best.

Here's some pics that were taken yesterday. The big story here is that my adorable & talented little brother Timothy Quinn Thames was born a mere 19 hours after Jaycee. Yes, my mother and I were pregnant and expecting and due at the same time! Pretty much the only similarity between the two babies though, is their age- he is so big, she is so little, he is all boy, she is all girl. We take their pics every month so we can monitor their growth and the ever widening gap in their physical differences. When born she weighed, 7lb. 4oz. He was 9lb. 8oz., currently; 16lb 8oz, and approx. 24lb, respectively. oh yeah, & their good looks-thats another similarity :)