My heart hurts.

It aches all the time. I didn't know you could be in this much pain and still function. I didn't know that I could survive this long without him. I didn't know my girls could go without their daddy. I didn't know that I didn't need to tell him all of the funny things they do throughout the day. I didn't know that I could teach, instruct, and discipline Jaycee and Arawen without him. I didn't know I could make financial decisions on my own. I didn't know I could get dressed up and go somewhere without having him tell me I was beautiful. I didn't know my body could ache to be held. I didn't know eternity would ever be this real to me. I didn't know that praising God would make me cry every time. I didn't know that God would implant thankfulness into my heart. I didn't know that I'd trust Him explicitly to heal me in His time. I didn't know how solely sufficient Jesus is.

I did know, however, that I was immeasurably blessed with the husband God gave me. I'm so thankful -SO THANKFUL- we expressed our love and thankfulness for each other all throughout our marriage!

I found my last hand-written note to him while I was moving out of the home we had purchased in April. The girls and I have been so blessed to have my parents open up their home to us. We've been living here since mid August. This was written sometime mid June:

I LOVE YOU!

I LOVE OUR WEEKENDS TOGETHER!

I LOVE OUR NEW HOUSE!

I LOVE OUR FRIDGE

I LOVE YOUR FACIAL HAIR

I LOVE LAUGHING WITH YOU!

Randomly, I was in an old e-mail inbox today and I found one I had saved.

Four years ago tomorrow he wrote me this e-mail.

Hey Gorgeous-

Sometimes I just don't know how to show you how much you truly mean to me. I try to tell you when I can but words just aren't enough. I hope that my actions speak louder than my words. I thank God for you, babe. You are an amazing woman and God has given you an amazing heart. Let's keep giving everything to God because the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. So if He wants to take something from us then He can. I am so excited about having a baby with you. I love kids so much and I know you do too. I pray that God will give us wisdom and grace to teach and raise our kids the way He designed us to. I know you are not too excited about the newborn stage but I think God designed it so we can gradually learn. He works in different ways to refine us and make us holy. I keep praying that our love for each other will burn 7 times hotter, and that our love for God will be more than that. Thanks for everything, babe. Sorry when I sin against and don't treat you the way that I should. You truly mean the world to me. I look forward every day to my drive home because I know you are there. May God truly bless you and thanks for being a blessing to me.

The one who will always                                                                                                                                    be there for you,

Jordan

What else is there to say? My tears are streaming and my heart is hurting and my soul is yearning for Jesus.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 18, 2010 10:42 AM, CDT

But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ. Phil 3:7-8

Knowing Jesus is better than everything else. It surpasses all. It's worth infinitely more than any other imaginable blessing. Even having and holding my best friend? even being a part of a God-honoring, amazing marriage? even having a godly, sacrificial daddy for my girls? Even receiving a huge, physical healing miracle? All of that is garbage compared to knowing Jesus?

If that is true, then I am still abundantly blessed. I am incredibly rich.

What I once thought I knew, I now KNOW. I know that I know that I know that I KNOW Jesus. I know Him personally. I am His and He is in me. I am His sheep & I hear His voice. This is a powerful, seared-into-my-soul Truth. And sometimes, I feel like the gain of this invaluable knowledge came at too painfully high of a price. But that doesn't make it untrue. My feelings never eclipse Truth.

It's been 7 weeks. Today would've been our 51st wedding anniversary. Yes, we celebrated months. Sometimes with a date, often with a little love note, but mostly, it was just a race to see who could remember and say "Happy Anniversary!" first.

I know it's been a long time. (And yet, it seems so close.) I know there's more to the story. I know I'm called to write. I know I have a God-given gift. I know it has nothing to do with the recipient, but the Giver gets all the glory for what He bestows. I know I need to continue the blog & be willing to be a witness to grief, confusion, and the unchanging & redemptive nature of a really big God. But, it's hard right now. Please pray for that willingness & calling.

The following is something Jordan's brother Jesse wrote. Jesse & his lovely wife Jill are my friends and love me and the girls in a capacity that far exceeds what I was to their brother. They love us because we're us, they love us because Jesus is Jesus. Jill is my big sister and Jesse's my other big brother because of who we are in Christ. I am so thankful for them!


Revival Service for Jordan Lee Schroeder - Held July 28, 2010

Revival. It is a word that immediately conjures up images of tent meetings and circuit-riding preachers. And although revival is indeed marked by specific times and events where the Holy Spirit manifests Himself in a mighty, powerful way, revival is also much more than that. Revival means to make alive again. It is a work that God directs in the hearts of individuals, for only God can take something that is dead and make it alive again. Only God can renew the fire in a soul for the things that are eternal.

Revival begins one person at a time - it begins with you and it begins with me. We will experience the revival that Jordan prayed for and lived for when we, by God's transforming power and grace, seek to live out His Word. When each of us hears Jesus' voice, comes and follows Him, and obeys Him, revival will come. When we love Him with all of our heart, soul, mind, and strength, revival will come. When we step out of our comfort zones and into the path of obedience, revival will come. It will flow through our lives. We will experience firsthand, in this life and the next, the abundant life that Jesus Christ offers...regardless of what may come our way.

John 10:10 - I (Jesus) have come that they (you & me) may have life and have it more abundantly.

On July 28, 2010 a revival service for Jordan Lee Schroeder was held. The purpose was simple, "In memory of Jordan Schroeder. In honor of Jesus Christ." God graciously answered this prayer in numerous ways. The service was documented and we have created a website that makes the audio and video available for listening, viewing, and downloading. A transcript of the service is also available on the website in both .doc and .pdf formats.

As a heart-touching bonus, we have included the audio and video of Jordan's final blessings of Jaycee and Arawen. Jordan loved to bless his two girls and pray over them since before they were born. The Holy Spirit empowered him to make final blessings that will have eternal ramifications for God's Kingdom for both Jaycee and Arawen.

The website address is www.11r.com We pray and trust that you will be blessed and encouraged to follow Jesus, obey Him, and experience revival in your life and the lives of those around you.

Should you prefer to receive a copy of the DVD or CD that includes the Revival Service and Jordan's Final Blessings of Jaycee & Arawen, please email schro98@sbcglobal.net with your name, address, format choice (DVD and/or CD), and number of copies and they will be sent to you.

Below is a listing of the artists and songs that have ministered to us throughout the past year. You may want to create your own playlist based upon these songs. We entitled ours, "Jordan's Journey."

Matt Redman - Blessed Be Your Name
Laura Story - Mighty to Save
Keith & Kristyn Getty - By Faith
Christy Nockels - Healing is in Your Hands, Hosanna, You are Able, A Mighty Fortress, Marvelous Light
The Kry - I Believe in You, You're All I Need, I Keep on Running, Take My Hand, He Won't Let You Go
Wayne Watson - A Beautiful Place, Walk in the Dark, Hard Times
Chris Tomlin - Our God
Selah - Timeless, Press On, Through it All

Thank you again for your faithful prayers and support for Jordan, Katelyn, Jaycee, Arawen, and the Schroeder and Thames families. You have been a true testimony of the love and unity that is present in the Body of Christ. May God bless you abundantly according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus.

God bless you all, Jesse Schroeder (Jordan's brother), on behalf of Katelyn, Jaycee, & Arawen, the Schroeder family, and the Thames family


note: I (Katelyn) have not seen any of the videos. Yet. I tried, I collapsed, I wept, & now I'm waiting for God to bless me with the ability to see it in His time.

-I'm going to a better place.

-Is that okay with you, Baby?

-Yeah; it's what Jesus wants.



I want this to be a revival. And not just for the people in this room. For everyone.

-Jordan, 7.24.10

Revival Service.

In memory of Jordan Schroeder.

In honor of Jesus Christ.

Northwoods Community Church
Peoria, IL
Officiating: Jeff Thames and Jesse Schroeder

Wednesday, July 28th, 2010,
10:00 a.m.

Visitation:
Roanoke Apostolic Christian Fellowship Hall
Roanoke, IL
Tuesday, July 27th, 2010,
2-4 p.m. & 6-8 p.m.

Graveside service at Roanoke A.C. Church Cemetary


To God be the glory!

Thursday, July 22, 2010 7:33 PM, CDT

I'm just gonna say it, cause I was convicted about my own prayers for them: praying for peace and comfort can wait. pray for healing, and if u can't, pray for faith. we're the ones who want peace and comfort, cause watching our friends suffer is making us uncomfortable. jordan and katelyn haven't asked for peace and comfort yet-they want the miracle God has for them. press on.

This was the Facebook status of one of our tireless prayer warriors, Angie Luginbuhl.

All I have to say is, Amen.

The struggle is great, but the grace is greater. My heavenly Father keeps peering over this huge mountain down at me and says, "Look up, I'm bigger than this."

Jordan's a warrior and I am so, so thankful for this faithful man of God. He is expectantly waiting for God to show up. He will!

Again, please join in praying for a miracle tonight at 8. This is God's deal; but I have no problems as His child asking for what He does best.

We love you all!

Tonight! Healing prayer for Jordan Schroeder. Northwoods Community Church. Room G, in the basement. 8 - 9 p.m. EVERYONE WELCOME!!

Thursday, July 22, 2010 9:08 AM, CDT

Dear Everybody,

Please keep believing in a miracle from God for us. We believe it. Jordan's body is racked by a ferocious disease. His breathing is labored, his oxygen is intensive-care-unit worthy. We're getting do-not-resuscitate decisions shoved down our throat.

We just got done crying out to God together. Jordan huffed his way through "God, You get all the glory from my body right now!" We are binding in the name of Jesus Christ this disease and releasing his power and life over Jordan's body today.

Please join us today!

Love, Jordan & Katelyn, Jaycee & Arawen

Tuesday, July 20, 2010 1:58 PM, CDT

To all of our warriors in the Army of Christ, thank you for fighting with us, for lifting our arms when we couldn't keep them raised ourselves. Thank you for continuing in prayer.

Although our mountain looms large, the face of Jesus is that on which we're fixing our gaze. HE is bigger than all of this!

Taped on the bathroom door wall in this hospital room is a to-do list. I crossed all the mundane things off and what remained I taped to the door:
-Look @ Jesus
-Desir​e glory
-Do not fear
-Sing

Da​d's hospital church service on Jehoshaphat'​s story is the inspiration.​

Also, we had Jordan's prayer ministry course teacher in here on Sunday afternoon and part of her prayer over him is coming to mind and bringing comfort.
"Th​ank You Father that the prayers of your saints for Jordan are sweet fragrance before You and that they MATTER to you!"

We are hoping to come home from the hospital tonight. These past 4 days have basically been a trial period to see what Jordan needs for pain control. They've been brutal, but sustained by grace.

Pleas​e pray for complete, miraculous healing and that we would be able to come home!!