Tuesday, August 11, 2009 11:55 AM, CDT

So, I'm not going to lie; "Yesterday was hard" is an understatement.

Nothing they didn't warn us about beforehand happened. Nothing we hadn't heard and nodded our heads to in response. Nothing we didn't 'know' about already became our reality yesterday.

But there's a big difference between 'knowing' - "I understand the context, syntax, and meaning of the sentences being spoken to me" and 'KNOWING' - "I'm spending the seconds and minutes of my day in completely foreign territory- unfriendly, rocky, emotional, watching-my-husband-puke-his-guts-out territory."

My thoughts are pretty jerky. My prayers even more so. Everybody in that treatment room was old. I watched those clear bags hanging from a pole on wheels slowly drip down into those clear tubes that ran down and around and up into Jordan's chest. "There go the rest of our children." "There goes a normal marriage." "There goes all of our happy plans."

And yet, still I hope. As if I can't help it. For the creature was made subject to vanity, not willingly, but by reason of him who hath subjected the same in hope, Because the creature itself also shall be delivered from the bondage of corruption into the glorious liberty of the children of God. Rom. 8:20-21
We are designed to hope. Subjected to it. I hope in the "God of hope." I hope in the God of the Old Testament, win-a-battle-with-just-two-guys God. I hope in the God of the New Testament, "Lazarus, come forth!" God.

I have so many more thoughts. I'm learning a lot. I think.

When Lexi came by with her amazing gift there was a journal included. Jordan and I both decided to write in it through all of this. I have prayed about sharing what goes from our pen to that paper on this site. It scares me, but God asks a lot of his children to do scary things. Joshua comes to mind and I receive God's assurance along with him; "Be strong and of good courage."

This is the first entry. It's Jordan writing. His entries will be in blue. I just decided that right now.

7-25-09 According to my earnest expectation and my hope, that in nothing I shall be ashamed, but that with all boldness, as always, so now also Christ shall be magnified in my body, whether it be by life, or by death. For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain. For I am in a strait betwixt two, having a desire to depart, and to be with Christ, which is far better: Nevertheless to abide in the flesh is more needful for you. And having this confidence I know that I shall abide and continue with you all for your furtherance and joy of faith. Philippians 2:20-21, 23-25. I obviously look forward to heaven but I feel it is more needful for me to be there for my girls. I believe God has a life-long of Kingdom work for me. He has given me the gift of faith and more than anything I desire His name to be glorified- not to me, but to Your name be the glory, whatever the circumstances. I love You Lord and am full of hope.