Monday, October 4, 2010

My heart hurts.

It aches all the time. I didn't know you could be in this much pain and still function. I didn't know that I could survive this long without him. I didn't know my girls could go without their daddy. I didn't know that I didn't need to tell him all of the funny things they do throughout the day. I didn't know that I could teach, instruct, and discipline Jaycee and Arawen without him. I didn't know I could make financial decisions on my own. I didn't know I could get dressed up and go somewhere without having him tell me I was beautiful. I didn't know my body could ache to be held. I didn't know eternity would ever be this real to me. I didn't know that praising God would make me cry every time. I didn't know that God would implant thankfulness into my heart. I didn't know that I'd trust Him explicitly to heal me in His time. I didn't know how solely sufficient Jesus is.

I did know, however, that I was immeasurably blessed with the husband God gave me. I'm so thankful -SO THANKFUL- we expressed our love and thankfulness for each other all throughout our marriage!

I found my last hand-written note to him while I was moving out of the home we had purchased in April. The girls and I have been so blessed to have my parents open up their home to us. We've been living here since mid August. This was written sometime mid June:



Randomly, I was in an old e-mail inbox today and I found one I had saved.
Four years ago tomorrow he wrote me this e-mail.
Hey Gorgeous-
Sometimes I just don't know how to show you how much you truly mean to me. I try to tell you when I can but words just aren't enough. I hope that my actions speak louder than my words. I thank God for you, babe. You are an amazing woman and God has given you an amazing heart. Let's keep giving everything to God because the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. So if He wants to take something from us then He can. I am so excited about having a baby with you. I love kids so much and I know you do too. I pray that God will give us wisdom and grace to teach and raise our kids the way He designed us to. I know you are not too excited about the newborn stage but I think God designed it so we can gradually learn. He works in different ways to refine us and make us holy. I keep praying that our love for each other will burn 7 times hotter, and that our love for God will be more than that. Thanks for everything, babe. Sorry when I sin against and don't treat you the way that I should. You truly mean the world to me. I look forward every day to my drive home because I know you are there. May God truly bless you and thanks for being a blessing to me.
The one who will always                                                                                                                                    be there for you,
What else is there to say? My tears are streaming and my heart is hurting and my soul is yearning for Jesus.


Anonymous said...


Your family is a huge inspiration to me. I love you guys. I can only hope that someday I have a love like you and Jordan shared.



Anonymous said...

One day at a time, by the GRACE of God. Praying for you and your daughters.


The Kaiser Family said...

You and your girls are in my thoughts often and my prayers several times a day. I so wish I could carry some of the hurt for you but I can't, so I'll continue to pray. God is good all the time.

Anonymous said...


My heart breaks for you. We are still praying for you and the girls. Thank you so much for your amazing testimony of faith and for sharing your heart with us.

Eric & Marissa Bahler said...

I'm pretty sure we've never actually met, but I just wanted to let you know how immensely PROUD I am of how honestly you've let God show His amazing grace and strength through you. God is SO not done yet... It's amazing how He's using you & Jordan for HIS glory, and I feel priveleged to be able to get a glimpse of His plan through your blog. Continue to write.. it's a blessing that probably doesn't currently feel like one. I heard a quote recently and thought of your story. I hope it's not too bold to share. "When grief knocks you to the ground, worship HIM there." It seems you're doing a gracious job of this already, but I encourage you to continue to praise Him. He is worthy! We will continue to pray for God's supernatural-every moment presence in your life. In Christ ALONE!

Kristin said...

Prayers from not too far away that you heart continues to heal and that you feel His presence supporting and guiding you through.