Saturday, July 17, 2010 9:56 AM, CDT
When I am weak, then am I strong.
2 Cor 12:10
How do you operate in a Truth when everything you feel screams "False!" at you?
How do you know Jesus is here when he feels nonexistent?
I have run out of prayers. The doctors have run out of hope.
Medically, Jordan has been in an intense amount of pain for an extended amount of time. His body has been screaming at him for over a month. He's lost over 30 pounds in the last 2 months. We went straight to the ER from the airport. Not the original plan! We did get an epidural placed last night, and he's on high-dose pain meds, so there was a reprieve from the agony last night. This morning, he's still not entirely comfortable. We're at Methodist. On the oncology floor.
His cancer is "very advanced." His prognosis is "very poor."
I'm always on the verge of tears. I'm exhausted and can't think straight. I keep finding myself at the Throne of Jehovah. I don't really pray a whole lot, I just claim the blood of Jesus, stand before my God as redeemed, and make known my need for mercy.
For indeed he was sick nigh unto death: but God had mercy on him... Phil 2:27'
Just before we came home from Mexico, we were talking about dreams and the Giver of dreams. Promises and the PromiseKeeper. Jordan prayed then, and he gave everything back to God. I watched my 25-year-old husband, father of 2, place his dreams on the altar. He laid them all down.
Watching his girls grow up. Teaching them about Jesus. Walking them down the aisle. Growing old with his wife. Having a little boy. Growing a business with his buddy. Preaching the Word of God. Hunting. Building a house in the country one day...
He gave them all back to Jesus.
This morning, I was up early, and sobbing on the living room floor, I gave my dreams to Jesus. Being married to a better-than-I-deserve man of God. Having my baby girls grow up with their daddy. Living in our new home. Having a little boy. Tropical family vacations. I gave Jordan to his Father. I left him at the altar.
And you know what? Through all the heartwrenching tears and heartache, we both left the Throneroom still extravagantly rich.
We still have Jesus. At that day ye shall know that I am in my Father, and ye in me, and I in you. (John 14:20)
"When your hope is running dry
When your dreams have waved goodbye
Hold on to Me"
(Stellar Kart- our favorite cd right now. I listened to this song over and over last night)
While we're learning a lot about surrendering to God, we are still fighting a battle with the enemy. Coming soon: a battle cry call to fasting and prayer.