Saturday, July 17, 2010

Saturday, July 17, 2010 9:56 AM, CDT

When I am weak, then am I strong.
2 Cor 12:10

How do you operate in a Truth when everything you feel screams "False!" at you?

How do you know Jesus is here when he feels nonexistent​?

I have run out of prayers. The doctors have run out of hope.

Medica​lly, Jordan has been in an intense amount of pain for an extended amount of time. His body has been screaming at him for over a month. He's lost over 30 pounds in the last 2 months. We went straight to the ER from the airport. Not the original plan! We did get an epidural placed last night, and he's on high-dose pain meds, so there was a reprieve from the agony last night. This morning, he's still not entirely comfortable. We're at Methodist. On the oncology floor.
His cancer is "very advanced." His prognosis is "very poor."

I'm always on the verge of tears. I'm exhausted and can't think straight. I keep finding myself at the Throne of Jehovah. I don't really pray a whole lot, I just claim the blood of Jesus, stand before my God as redeemed, and make known my need for mercy.

For indeed he was sick nigh unto death: but God had mercy on him... Phil 2:27'

Just before we came home from Mexico, we were talking about dreams and the Giver of dreams. Promises and the PromiseKeep​er. Jordan prayed then, and he gave everything back to God. I watched my 25-year-old husband, father of 2, place his dreams on the altar. He laid them all down.

Watchi​ng his girls grow up. Teaching them about Jesus. Walking them down the aisle. Grow​ing old with his wife. Having a little boy. Growing a business with his buddy. Preaching the Word of God. Hunting. Building a house in the country one day...

He gave them all back to Jesus.

This morning, I was up early, and sobbing on the living room floor, I gave my dreams to Jesus. Being married to a better-than​-I-deserve ​man of God. Having my baby girls grow up with their daddy. Livi​ng in our new home. Having a little boy. Tropic​al family vacations. ​I gave Jordan to his Father. I left him at the altar.

And you know what? Through all the heartwrench​ing tears and heartache, we both left the Throneroom still extravagant​ly rich.

We still have Jesus. At that day ye shall know that I am in my Father, and ye in me, and I in you. (John 14:20)

"When your hope is running dry
When your dreams have waved goodbye
Hold on
Hold on to Me"
(Stellar Kart- our favorite cd right now. I listened to this song over and over last night)

While we're learning a lot about surrenderin​g to God, we are still fight​ing a battle with the enemy. Coming soon: a battle cry call to fasting and prayer.


Anonymous said...

Praying for you and have followed your blog for months! May you continue to lay it all at the altar, and we should too, as we don't know what tomorrow holds for us! May God grant you comfort from the pain and give you special moments together as a family! He knows your pain!

Anonymous said...

I have been following your blog for sometime now....though we may never meet on this side of the "holy ground," I pray for you. I pray for your strength, your pain, and for your sweet baby girls. May you have the peace that surpasses all understanding. God be with you both. Continued prayers are being sent on your behalf by complete strangers, take comfort in that.

Anonymous said...

Praying so hard for you guys. Cannot imagine what you're going through but know you're amazing examples to us all of how to lay everything down and surrender. Praying you guys feel Him closer now than ever. Love you!

Kari said...

Praying for you.....

Taking Heart said...

Praying... a beautiful and convicting post to me. I love your dreams... I love how you love Jesus. Praying you through....

Anonymous said...

As I read just a few of your daily entries, one thing becomes immediately clear, How God is sustaining each of you through this very difficult and painful time, there is peace and surrender. Praise God! I will pray that God bring a resolution for your family and I thank him for his continued mercies that he displays in your lives. Thank-you for sharing your journey and the love of Christ. We love because he first loved us. I John 4:19

R and K said...

My Aunt who was like a second mother battled cancer for 10 months. There were times in her battle that we saw the power of prayer working when the medical world was having difficulties.

Keep you hope.